Did FW bring the OW in front of the kids? If so, how did you handle it.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Chicki - I'll go check it out. Thanks for letting me know.
TRUSTING - yes, he did bring OW around our kids. A lot. A lot more than I was ever comfortable with. At first I tried to stop it, but quickly realized that I could not control his actions and that legally, unless she was some sort of danger to my kids (which she was not) that basically there was nothing I could do.
Once I accepted that, I was fortunate in that FW and I were always able to talk things through. I did not want the kids to know what their dad was doing. I just felt they were too young (9 and 5) to understand and i was afraid of the effect it would have on his relationship with our D9 (I was afraid she would feel compelled to choose and guilty if she like OW because of her not wanting to go against her mother) He came up with the "solution" that OW was just a "roommate" just a "friend" that was helping him pay rent and slept downstairs on the futon.
My kids never knew the true nature of their relationship and may never know now that we are together again.
I hated it. I hated that she bought them clothes, I hated that she and my D painted their fingernails together, I hated that she baked cookies and decorated cakes, and did other stuff with them. Absolutely tore me up inside. Hated every minute of it, but I said nothing to FW or to my kids.
I seethed in silent anger over it (most of the time).
I basically accepted that there was nothing I could do and prayed a lot about it.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I too hate it when Ow has all the "step family" fun time w/ my girls and in several weeks H is taking them all to the annual circus and it really hurts. Did your H ever do fun things out in public w/ Ow and your kids?
I have a question for you concerning your sexcapades w/ your H all the while he was still w/ OW....during or after the act did you ever iniate any ILYs?? Or was the sex (on your part) "acting casually detached"?
I want to go back to that point w/ my H b/c i believe NOW we kept that connection that now seems to be soooo distant since I stopped it from happening. I was good at it at one point where HE made it seem like *I* was using him for sex.
I want to know how you did it..so as not to get too emotionally close during the whole act.Did you wait for him to verbally open up to you or did you ever iniate those touchy feely convos.?
Chicki,
I waited for him. I never said ILY, I never initiated any relationship talks. I let him lead the way on that. For a long time we were just "friends with benefits" or "f--- buddies".
Not getting emotionally close - can't tell you how to do it. Not something that you can really tell someone how to do, just something you can either do or you can't.
If you can't I wouldn't recommend the sex thing. Too hard for most people.
It was hard for me a lot of times. Esp. toward the end when I could feel him moving closer to me. I started wanting more. More than just sex and then watch him get up, get dressed and leave.
but, to answer your questions, I kept it purely physical and just about two people doing something that felt good.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
H thinks our little ones dont notice anything.... Well, d7 surprised one time when out of the blue she said "mommy, daddy & you-know-who sleep together but w/ the door open and w/ a long pillow in between them!!!"
UGH!!! THat has changed now..according d10 no more pillow inbetween them:(
I too hate it when Ow has all the "step family" fun time w/ my girls and in several weeks H is taking them all to the annual circus and it really hurts. Did your H ever do fun things out in public w/ Ow and your kids?
I know the 4 of them went shopping and out to eat once, but other than that I don't think they did much out in public. I could be wrong about that since I don't know everything that happened while they were with him and I generally didn't prod them with questions when they came home.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Thats just it, I dont ask, my girls come back so excited, they tell me everything!!!!
And I w/ a FAKE smile just have to grin and bear it.
My H is doing all the things he stopped doing w/ me as a family.
Then again she wont go anywhere w/out H. So she makes him go everywhre w/ her. H use to hate to just go mall walking especailly if he was broke. Now if think he is easing his guilt and buying the girls all kinds of stuff he wouldnt buy when he was still w/ me.
H thinks our little ones dont notice anything.... Well, d7 surprised one time when out of the blue she said "mommy, daddy & you-know-who sleep together but w/ the door open and w/ a long pillow in between them!!!"
UGH!!! THat has changed now..according d10 no more pillow inbetween them:(
YUCK! At least FW and his OW didn't sleep together in front of my kids - at least not to where they could see it. I'm not naive enough to think they were totally hands off when out of eye sight of the kids, but I never got any reports like that.
I probably wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue had I heard something like that, pillow or no pillow.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Well, tomorrow my D8 turns 9 !!!!!!!! YES ...brings back happy memories...and of course painful ones too....haha !
I was silly....
Earlier on I sent H a TM saying it might be a good idea if he has nothing planned of course to go watch D8 at her hockey practice tomorrow...I sent the message and then felt it may be too much pressure on him...so I sent another TM saying...'Please don't feel you must, it just occured to me, that's all'.
Yikes....
Oh well, I'm ok with it. I can handle it, if it was a mistake then it was a mistake, he has not sent anything in return...that's ok too, I din't expect anything.
So, thanks for your great advice BFM !
Take care xxxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Thank you for your response. It is nice to know that you experienced the same thing and was successful.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
