Oh, ((((((((((((((Andy)))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry to hear that your wife is so lost in the dark! Hope other areas of your life are providing some nurturance. How are your kids? It is strange. I was going to write something about Andy the Lionhearted in that post above and now it seems so appropriate. I admire the courage, strength, and nobility, it took to write the above. Hope that someday you will be able to relax. I know many here, including me, are proud of you. Good character is it's own reward but I hope you will also reap an external reward--preferably the healing of your marriage someday. 2L
**************************************************** The old problem is that H distance is very painful, the new stressor is that I'm headed to gyn because of what could be a std. H vows with all he's got that he has been faithful. He is very convincing. Hope I'm not being an idiot. *****************************************************
H is probably hurt that you automatically figured std and blamed him. I know it would hurt me.
Hopefully you've figured out what the real stressor was and found a way to releive it. My W has gained some weight over the past year as well as taken up an old habit (smoking). The weight is not really a big deal, but the smoking is a serious turn off. I ususally get around it, but sometimes it gets to me.
Not sure what I am trying to say other than it may be worth a shot to appologize for the accusation and consider the possibility that your H may have a slight issue with the weight gain. Maybe not, but then again, it could be a solution.
I know I sure wish my W would quit the smoking. I don't talk about it anymore, but it sure would be nice.
I'm sure there is more going on then you have posted. For me, it's the creeping "more of the same" type behaviour that trys to creep back in me and W. It's a constant effort to keep things even keeled. Not always, but most the time.
I did apologise, profusely and sincerely. Maybe you are right though that even though he said he would "forget it" maybe it will take a while. It was an interesting experience because I denied that I had the gyn problem for about 6 weeks. Can't remember ever denying something so completely. When I finally faced it and did some internet homework and put that together with the way he had been acting I thought I knew what was going on. To my credit when I talked to him about what I thought, I was very calm, loving and was steeled for bad news. As you may recall I am a crier--I cry (and laugh, I might add) easily. In this case I didn't start crying until he vowed that he was faithful because I couldn't see how that could be possible. I'm probably saying too much but you all are the only people I have to talk to about this stuff but without getting graphic, if you saw this and the description on the internet you would have probably thought the same thing.
Kent, you dearheart, you do have such a calming influence. I should have come back here before I talked to my H but I thought I knew what was going on. Proof once again that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.
I'm trying to address the weight thing. I don't like it either and it isn't healthy. I think I've found something that might help...if not maybe I'll do an Al Roker !
2L
******************************** he vowed that he was faithful because I couldn't see how that could be possible. ******************************** As long as you realize he was in a no win situation. This was a biggy. You are right in thinking it will take some time. Negativity is a funny thing. It really skews reality and can ruin everything if we let it.
All you can do now is learn from it, and perhaps a little more change. Ain't change fun!
I'll bet the energy you are spending worrying could be used elsewhere. I know mine could.
My post painted a pretty bleak picture, and though it's accurate, I should also mention that despite the fact that there's no affection, etc, there's no tension either.
And also on the bright side (I guess), W feels sad that things have gotten this far too.
Just hafta go with the flow and hope things start looking up.
Sounds to me like you're having a few ups and downs yourself. I guess you just hafta hang in there and hope to become one of the couples of which my C spoke.
Kent, are you ever right about that expenditure of energy! Trying to get my brain unstuck! Sounds like things are pretty even keel for you and your wife. I'm so glad! Guess the main thing I need to do is hold as steady as possible, be as kind as possible and let time heal this episode. Sometimes my H seems like the most dense person I've ever met but he understands about how time heals so much better than I do. As a matter of fact, he understands a few things better than I do.
Andy, lack of tension and wife who would also like things to be different sounds like some very important aspects are going right. I make life more difficult than it has to be by not accepting the "way things are" calmly. If I could learn to do that I could use that precious energy to figure out the next reasonable step to make things better. Hmmmm, maybe right now, rather than berate myself as a hysteric, maybe I need to calmly accept that my emotions can get the better of me sometimes and make a plan to exercise, visit here, journal, etc. when that happens? Then I'll start working on accepting the rest of reality. Yeah, that's it!
It's true, you had worries about your H's fidelity, and now he's got his feelings hurt, or whatever, and yeah, it's a set-back in the "I trust you" recovery -- but heck, woman, you might have once had reason to worry.
The pangs of wondering will linger, once trust is broken. Takes time to mend and knit back together.
Things do heal. I know this. Forgiveness is important. It's the lovingest gift you can give! Then even big ugly old gashes can close up and, though tender for a while, toughen and soften (both) over time.
(Don't I sound like Gandhi?)
Ha! I'm certainly no saint! Today I'm basically back to being a wounded person, hurting and suspicious. Big set-back.
My H got his bachelor pad on April Foo1's Day (as I keep reminding everyone) -- and we're doing a dance around how to live with this. He's still being friendly, except when I initiate contact, then he hides and avoids me. I know he's struggling with how to distance from me and yet he still wants to relate to me, too.
More about my sitch on my post next door (don't want to hog your thread) but I did want to talk about how I relate to "not trusting him."
Last two days H initiated contact with me and though I should be happy about it, I'm suspicious of his motives. Yesterday, maybe he just needed to use the computer? (his DSL wasn't hooked up yet). Today maybe he came over just to get some clean clothes for a trip he's taking? Or maybe he misses me, our home, and is reaching out?
Today he kissed me and seemed wistful when I said I wouldn't be around to say goodbye before he left on his trip. If I was DB-ing, I'd mark that as a "sign" we were getting a little closer, and I'd be going "woo hoo!" But now, I'm kinda closed down.
It somehow helps me lick my wounds to not get my hopes up, I think, to keep a little distant. He recently started lying and sneaking around again, after months of love-recovery. I hate that he is on the fence about that other chick (she's pursuing again).
But I know I'm being petulant.
He thinks I should just bounce back and be warm toward him again. Even though he wants to not be monogamouse. I would love to get back to where we were just two weeks ago! I may be able to. But right now, I feel like a patsy, and I wonder if I'm getting used.
This poor-me attitude is really playing havoc with my getting back on the horse of DB-ing. I'm on the fence and seriously considering the big D -- to tell him "no more other grrrllls in our marriage."
Sigh.
Anyways, don't mean to ramble, just wanted to send a big bunch of virtual flowers your way for (YES) your forbearance and self-awareness.
Yes.
And a suggestion: lingerie!
Lacy, spaghetti-strappy, peekaboo hot outfits, with heels. Accentuate your assets. Ya gotta! Right now! Don't wait for "the perfect size" -- embrace the size you are and show off whatcha got!
It works -- if you get into the act and enjoy the part.
Thanks Mahatma Bridget, you are right, these thoughts of peace are the only way to go. The truth is that even after all this time, I am still wounded and haven't been able to figure out how to heal--however, I'm a whole lot better than I was. A couple of years ago it felt like the PTSD symptoms would never go away. Now they are rare and hardly ever debilitating. There are situations and people I can completely enjoy. I feel happy and laugh more.
I understand your protective distancing and not "woo-hooing" it. As long as you are being courteous, that sounds like the best place to be (granted I've heard little of your situation--will read more later). It has helped me to think of my H as somewhere between a difficult co-worker with whom I needed to be "professional" and a dear friend or cherished family member who just doesn't get it about something really important. (Even more it has helped to realize that I just don't get it either sometimes but I'm doing the best I can figure and that's all a person can ask of themselves.)
Were I in your shoes, I know I'd want to keep my distance, lovingly but be pretty strict with those boundaries.
About sex for us, I'm for the first time in my life, not interested. It may be all the antidepressants I have on board, in part I think that I just couldn't be a beggar any more. It's going to take a lot of love to get me back in the mood I think. However I am happy to report that my H surprised me with a biggy. It's a long story, but for us to spend my birthday together is very important to me and without me saying a word (I think this is a key factor but complicated) he arranged to take off! This is MAJOR.
Thanks for the cyberflowers I've got some for you too. We have the most incredibly beautiful bright purply-pink azaleas in the yard of our new house. They are a mass of solid bloom. Here they come. Do you see them?
ny 