I agree. It's the definition of 'supportive' that is the problem here. In her vision she has been supportive the way most women are - they stand back and let their men 'work it out' and take whatever happens for as long as they can until they see no more 'hope' for change and get tired of the negativity and drama. I am REALLY having a hard time with this one. What woman, after seeing a man stand for HER for so long, simply says "Ummmm...yeah, good luck with that" when she sees her man struggling and needing HER support? Where the f*ck (sorry) is SHE? Suddenly she can't cope and all of a sudden needs to find her (I'm about to start cussing a blue streak here) "spiritual partner"? Bullsh*t! That is a *&^@#^* COPOUT.
A woman who is still a damaged little girl. She wasn't 'healed', just brought back into the safety net. I wasn't 'healed', just fixing again.
She's seen a lot of my anger, my frustration and been hurt by it. Her natural reaction is to run.
Here is something odd that has me thinking. after she had our second daughter (12 years ago) she put on about 50 pounds and has pretty much stayed that way. she has never been in that physical state until then which was also during the time when I was building my company and not around a lot.
During the affair and OM she lost about 15 pounds and was telling me at the time how she "couldn't lose the weight because she was unhappy and holding on to it, and now that she had 'let go' of me and my issues she could love her body again".
After her 'crash' and us reconciling she put the weight back on even though we were pretty 'happy' then.
Yesterday she tells me how she's finally learning to love her body again and is exercising more now and losing weight.
I keep thinking back to how she cycles and how it relates to me. While she's in this 'I don't like my body / myself' mode she says it's because of our relationship. I I also feel bad because I don't like her being overweight because she wasn't like that and I blame myself for it.
It's very confusing, our dynamic.
I'm trying to take responsibility and say that I haven't been a man who hasn't done whatever it takes to heal himself. As a result I've been angry hurt, medicated and generally a lot like AmyC's husband. I've been trapped in this cycle where I can seem ok for a while, then get so overwhelmed with anxiety that I can't see straight.
She's taken a lot of hurt when I'm at my worst, and after over a year of this she's tired and wants some happiness. She sees 'glimpses' of it when some other guy gives her some complements and seems to think that it's out there instead of here. And of course all new age books and spiritual practices tell you to seek your path no matter what.
Yeah, it goes against a lot of 'till death do us part' but as a kid I witnessed my Grandfather go through about 8 years of hell with my Grandmother until she died and he was free.
She witnessed her grandmother go through a similar, but less intense fate with her grandfather also.
So, I understand why we are both the way we are. and of course her friends are typical of most of america - if you aren't happy and your husband doesn't seem to want to change and you've 'waited' long enough then it's ok to move on.
I guess I'm trying to give her a break.
I know it's very 'knee jerk' for those who only see my 'good side' to want to defend me. Remember that you're only hearing my side. She hurts too.
Right now I fell very anxious, scared of this falling apart - not so much because I can't live without her but because I've been in so much pain for so long that I don't really feel like I can absorb it again. I have so many things I need to be doing to get us out of this financial hole and I wish I could say to her "Hey, I get it! I have to save MYSELF now. But I could REALLY use the comfort of knowing that you're really going to stick around and that I can feel safe in our relationship!"
Yeah, I'm angry, but do I really have a right to be angry at her? I mean, she's not like me, she loves me but isn't strong enough to 'stand up to me' when I'm hurt and angry I guess.
she could come up with many 'but he did this and he does that and I cry and...' responses to anything that criticizes her actions.
I really believe it still comes down to this: The only one who can take care of me - is me. In my marriage I cannot ask my wife to be something she isn't. She's grown a lot and I see it but she still doesn't have the skills to help me get out of my hole, only I do.
Where I'm still stuck is on the 'letting go'. Today she talked about us taking Salsa classes again. We did last September but she broke her foot. Now it's starting up again and she says this morning "Classes are starting soon and they said they would give 'us' a discount since we missed classes". She didn't say 'do you want to sign up?' so I said 'I wonder if they will give ME a discount since I didn't want to go without you and I missed classes'. She said probably not since she had a broken foot.
Salsa classes were very important to her, something she really liked and I made a special effort to go to them in September.
I mentioned that maybe I should get some Salsa shoes and she said "I was looking for some for you for xmas but couldn't find any".
I thought to myself 'this is weird since she told me the other day she was going to tell me she was _done_ in november'. She knows I would never take Salsa on my own.
Anyway, we talked about shoes and stuff and it was pleasant.
Talked about some changes I am making in our businesses and how they may improve our cash flow and she said 'so maybe we'll get some steady paychecks soon?'. so, I guess she still hasn't decided to step out of the relationship - she just hasn't decided if staying is viable.
A couple of times I complemented her on her clothes this morning and she said 'Thanks Hon' but in the 'detached' voice. No hugs or kisses today.
She's going to her friends overnight to do some massages. This is the friend who will support her no matter what and has been around the longest. 40 years old and never been in a relationship but had divorced parents who are 'happier' apart.
Very strange dynamics. I wish there was a way to erase the hurt I've been in so long and detach, focus and be happy just to be me and not feel the other stuff related to her. Or maybe I'd be better off to just let her go because maybe being afraid of not doing the right thing for her might be part of my problems. She's already shown me that, like most women, if I become a total basket case she won't be forceful enough to do something to help me, and eventually she'll get scared and run away.
But then, maybe I need to find out how to stop myself from falling down any more. This has been that hardest challenge of my life.
