I have to find my way out of my lack of passion and what that may mean is finding the passion in me for my M and not so much counting on having passion for H.
uhmmm...no...I don't see that working. It's too detached. Passion for the M? I think you need to stick with finding passion for H.
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My passion for H has hit really hard times and I guess that is also part of what caused the "if he won't I won't" stand off and what has also made it difficult for me to take charge of my own desires. So, I think maybe my "joke" of the other night about finding an LSU alumnae (AS IF) to hook up with represents part of where I need to go from here. I need to lighten things up, create motion in this R, insert some warmth and then........if H doesn't play along it really is on him and not me and I can address it - straight up, in vivo instead of in a two page summary of the past 8 months.
Well, I like this part better. I was totally in the same boat. Didn't have any passion for H and he certainly didn't seem to have any for me. The joking around has certainly helped us. Of course, all that came after yet another "bomb" in our M. So I don't know how you really get him to embrace the sexual charge in the M until you lay all that cards on the table. And not in a clean orderly way either. Doubt that would ever work with men who love self-control. kwim?
H hates all "talks" and immediately balks at them. I think that the problem is they lack context. If I "talk" to him about biblical R's he will just go into his shame/denial/hiding thing. However, if i do as people have suggested and give him a context - a kiss deflected, an initiation turned down, crap sex - then I might get somewhere with the rest. Our R is very cold right now. Thus, no context. It would be like confronting my next door neighbor about why he wasn't meeting my sexual needs. I could give him all the logic about why he should or could but he would say, "Huh? We don't have that sort of relationship."
H hates all "talks" and immediately balks at them. I think that the problem is they lack context. If I "talk" to him about biblical R's he will just go into his shame/denial/hiding thing.
Karen... this is what the "act as if" stuff, was really written for. You are stopping yourself from doing something new, because you are being pessimistic about the results, and so talking yourself out of even TRYING.
This is something new. You have never tried approaching him from a solid biblical perspective.
How about trying to "act as if" your husband will finally "get it", if you try this new angle for your issues?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Well if I get the inevitable "wax on wax off" response that I sometimes get from H I will have to tell him at some point that it turns me off. Won't I? I haven't done that and that sort of thing has really pushed my imagination to the limit. It takes a lot of imagination to work up desire for someone who does that stuff. I have less and less imagination or ability to channel my inner hottie in those scenarios.
I think religious stuff is so equated with shame (Bad boy, God will be mad) that unless there is a context it will tank so badly that the whole bb will hear it.
Well if I get the inevitable "wax on wax off" response that I sometimes get from H I will have to tell him at some point that it turns me off. Won't I?
He!! yeah!
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I haven't done that and that sort of thing has really pushed my imagination to the limit. It takes a lot of imagination to work up desire for someone who does that stuff. I have less and less imagination or ability to channel my inner hottie in those scenarios.
BTDT. That's why you HAVE to break this vicious cycle. Some way, some how.
In another one of Hairdog's famous "you may be right, but you're still an azzhole" moments, I offer this: I think you meant "alumnus", which is the singular male word for graduate or former student of a college. The plural of that is "alumni". "Alumnae" is plural, feminine, meaning that you were hoping to hook up with two or more "alumna" from LSU.
But, maybe I'm making assumptions I ought not make.
Hairdog, alumnus of the University of Kansas, a fine institution in spite of Burgbud's lame opinion.
I have been warm with H and the warmer I am in daily interactions the better/happier things are in general. Doesn't equate to sex. The hottest sex we had was while dating and yes, he was very warm at that time. It was never as often or creative as I would like but at least it was genuine. All I'm saying is that how we are interacting now inspires duty/commitment not love or sex. Being warm won't make him want me but it might make me want him enough to try.......
