I'm an old timer and just visit from time to time to report good and sometimes not so good news. Unfortunately, we are having some of our same old problems again and a new stressor. The old problem is that H distance is very painful, the new stressor is that I'm headed to gyn because of what could be a std. H vows with all he's got that he has been faithful. He is very convincing. Hope I'm not being an idiot.
Any discussion of the above results in more distance and H becoming defensive, angry and depressed. He feels like he is being attacked. It is difficult for me to fathom how he feels because if I were in his place, I think I would put a lot of energy into being supportive. I have tried to use I messages to talk about the elephant in the living room of our lives but it feels like he really wants me to ignore it like he looks to me like he does. It is true that we can have happy times even with the darned elephant and relate to each other like a brother and sister as long as I don't bring up that things could be better.
Guess it's time to work harder on me, stop the OR talks again and wait it out. Just could use some support in doing that. Mostly I am weary but find it hard to focus on anything else. H is busying himself about the house as I write--that is very rare--so at least something good came out of this. ;-)
2L
P.S. Last post was called encouragement! It is helpful to remember that things have been better. Encouragement
Sorry things are tense again. But it's totally understandable. Must feel unfair, and scary. This is a big trigger, no doubt about it.
I relate a lot -- been there -- exactly there -- and want to offer a hand, a hug, a sympathetic nod. I wish I had good advice. Be patient. Don't catastrophize. Take precautions and get medical help.
Take care of yourself, and if you can, give him the benefit of the doubt. If it turns out he's lapsed, his guilt will punish him -- you don't have to.
If he hasn't lapsed, something else may be causing your symptoms? Get a doctor's opinion?
Anyway, remember that men and women are different (and then individuals are, too) and don't seek his solace where he ain't got it to give. My H never handled my stress the way I wanted him to. Not even in the early, euphoric days.
Good thing you can come here. Vent, share, worry here -- we're listening. You've been so helpful to so many of us -- we only wish we could repay you. We'll try.
(((((((((((((2LEARN)))))))))))))))))))))
Be sure you do OTHER THINGS than fret, ok? Take care, keep posting,
It is understandable how I thought what I did but what I have is not an std. Thank goodness. However, I'm afraid we've done some damage to our relationship while I was worried--this episode probably took another couple months off both our lives. When my H is stressed we both handle it better than when I am stressed.
Here is one of our tough issues right now. I lost weight when I found out about the affair. I kept it off for two years. Then an old cycle started who started it I don't know but H's affection started dropping off and I started gaining the weight back. He isn't attracted to me any more and I am so hurt and angry about that. He rubs my back like he's polishing a silver sugar bowl or something and that is about the extent of affection in private. Interestingly, he will give me a kiss around friends like he wants people to think we have a sex life but it's gone even further downhill since our vacation in Feb. I had a cancer scare (a skin cancer that can metastasize and a place that the surgeon was concerned about enough to schedule the surgery quickly) and my H acted like nothing at all was different and just kept on talking about work. Unfortunately, I do express discontent, which definitely makes things worse because then he feels oh so criticized by his mean wife. He is the most considerate, responsible, concerned, kind guy to everyone else! OK I've devolved into a shameless rant...must not express discontent, must not express discontent, it doesn't help, it hurts to express discontent AHHHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Well my last post probably knocked ya'lls respect for me down several pegs. One bit of clarification, I certainly don't blame my H's lack of attention for my weight gain. I am the one who puts the food in my mouth just like he is the one that had the affair. I have a very poor way of coping --it is my issue. The antidepressants also affect my brain by sending a constant "you must have food, eat, eat" message but sometimes the rest of my emotions are better. My doctor tells me that because this is my third episode of severe depression, I may have to stay on the meds for the rest of my life. There are way worse things!!!
I am exercising a lot, making new good friends, looking into a job, doing volunteer work, and comforting a relatively new friend who recently lost her husband. We agreed to host a party for a large group from my H's work. He made all kinds of promises about how he would help that have gone the way of a child who gets a pet and promises to care for it. He meant it at the time I'm sure but somehow it just hasn't happened. This is my H's MO. The party is nothing but unfortunately this is how he handles big issues also. I've gone on involuntary strike about getting ready for the party--I just can't bring myself to do it. It will simply reflect badly on me, I'm affraid, if the party is disorganized so I better get in gear. We also agreed to have an even bigger party for his work later this year. I wish we hadn't!!! However because we did I will do it but I've got to accept that in these small and in the big really important promises like his adopting my daughter, renewing our wedding vows, etc, he does not follow through. I can't count on him and probably never will be able to. We have a friendship of sorts but not a marriage at present. Just gotta accept that, live my life, love him, be patient, find other ways to be happy, be grateful for all we do have, set some limits--now there is where I'm having the most trouble--calmly, lovingly, setting limits with myself and with him. Gotta work on that. I'm hurting pretty badly though and will be grateful for your support. Thanks for reading this and sending me good wishes.
Andy! So good to see your name! You know the drill 1 step forwards.... Sometimes it just feels like those steps backwards are all the way back to square 1, but it AIN'T SO! We can do it old pal. Sheesh, just your familiar writing has me feeling better. Are we going to let our spouses slips back into darkness pull the wool over our eyes too??? OK, I got wool all over my face. However, I AM TAKING IT OFF RIGHT NOW!!!
Wishing you whatever you're needing old friend! 2L
Hate to lay a downer on you 2L but I'm further back than square one.
Not to put too fine a point on it but not only does W not give me the affection I want, but she doesn't really want to have anything to do with me.
No sex. No affection. No morning coffee. No walks. Nada.
She did initiate an OR talk about a month ago. Something about divorce.
Oh well.
I guess I shouldn't be so pessimistic. There are some good signs.
I'm just too tired to think about it.
But it cheered me up to see your name again too.
It's kinda bitter-sweat when all of a sudden I see posts from you, Me2, Ultreya and some other people I haven't "seen" for awhile.
I'll leave you with one positive thought, though. It's something my C told me on my final session. She told me that when given the opportunity, she asks couples that have been together for a long time what their secret is. She asks them if they ever came close to splitting.
These couples invariably said that they could have broken up on many occasions. Their secret was simply to stick with it. My C also added that these couples are very happily married now.
