Living together as semi-polite strangers

[mishka422]

My thread locked.

Angelica - I will definitely not suggest counseling then for him. What about asking if he will go to MC with me? I feel so out of sorts and have no idea what to do to try to break this tension. He has a few moments where he is talking candidly and just being him and cutting up and then just as quickly slips back into the sullen, sad, shell of a man he has become. I can't watch it! It's making me sick! I'm trying not to hover but some of the things that came out from him in his meltdown that he didn't like from me was that I was always in the living room watching football (he's not a sports fan at all) or watching something else and he's in the bedroom watching what he wants because he doesn't like the same shows. Excuse me? I'm not just sitting there watching TV. I'm always multi-tasking. The TV is on more for noise and company than it is for actually watching. I'm doing laundry, cleaning, cutting coupons, helping S13 with homework (which is getting over my head now! Scary how much you forget when you don't use it, huh?), etc. etc. He's the one just laying in the bed watching TV. He only watches one or two things (Cops or Comedy Central...that's it!). He used to like a wide variety of things and we would enjoy them together and discuss them. He stopped doing that. He doesn't have any outside interests anymore besides fishing and that he can't do right now. He says I need to spend more time with him......DOING WHAT????? He doesn't ever want to do anything yet he complains about me not doing anything with him. AARRGGGHHH!!!!!!! I make suggestions and he shoots them down.

Ok, back to my question. Do I continue with not ever calling him except regarding S13, texting to say hey like we used to, etc.? What is the protocol when he says he has moved back in to "give us a chance". I don't really think that's the reason, I think it's more out of guilt for leaving S13 and that's it. What do I do?????

HELP!

[Grace_O]

Give different things a try and see how they work. Try texting "Occassionally" with a "hey". See how he responds.

Something you might try (to get him out of the bedroom....is turning the tv off. The quiet will help you think (even though your mind may race at first) and give him the opportunity to come in and either turn it on himself or maybe talk to you. When I treat things like a science experiment and record the results, I usually find a path that works a little better. When nothing changes, I get lazy about doing this though. My own demon to slay.

Just my 2 cents.

[mishka422]

Thanks Grace-O. I forgot to mention that my mother lives with us and is in the living room constantly watching TV because she can't see well enough to read or work crossword puzzles anymore. She has to have the noise to keep from going crazy.

Don't know how to work the TV off thing when I don't really get a choice. If I don't turn it on something I can stand to listen to then it's on GAME SHOW NETWORK!!!!!!!! Shoot me! How anyone can watch Match Game that much is beyond me!

[mishka422]

Any other ideas about how to engage H in any activity outside of running S13 around or laying watching tv by himself? I have no idea what to do. I just feel so lost.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

What is the protocol when he says he has moved back in to "give us a chance".

Well talk with him and find out if he meant 'a chance' were you see if you click by doing nothing together, or 'fighting chance' where you both do things together and see if you bond.

Are you intimate with him?

Get a piece of paper and write on it, and tape it to the TV Screen.

"Bedroom 5 minutes."

OR

Write down the plot of the TV show he is watching.

"There is some drama and some conflict which gets resolved near the end, and then credits roll...lets go out to your favorite resturant."

Speaking from experience living with your mom is a strain on your R.

You have this chance, but it is going fallow.

[ba065]

When my kids aren't around I never have the TV on...I like the quiet or like listening to music. The problem I've had is that H (who isn't much of TV watcher either) complains that I keep it quiet so I can listen to whatever it is he's doing, whether it be taking a bath or studying or whatever. I think he's more concerned because if there is noise, he can call MOW and I won't hear that he's on the phone!

Try inviting H out for a drink or dinner. No R talk, just a nice night out to have some fun...if you can get him to go! I told me H that we still need to live our lives and try to have some fun within all of this mess....he agrees and we are trying to do things together a few times a week! Most of the time it works out great...not always...depends on me and my DBing most of the time...sometimes though it's not so good (but that's usually due to H's depression).



BA

[mishka422]

ba - It was certainly easier dealing with this when he had left and moved in w/OW. At least then I didn't have to see him everyday and be reminded of how horribly wrong my life has gone. No, I'm not intimate with him but not because I don't want to be. He doesn't want to be intimate with me, only her. I see, I lose 50 pounds and now I'm not attractive to him anymore but I was 50 pounds heavier or was he just finding a way to fake it then? Gees! I'm ready to completely implode!

Had a major major crying fit in the car on my way home from work tonight. NOT GOOD TO DO WHEN YOU ARE DRIVING!!!! Massive panic attack and though I was going to die! Still shaky and uncertain about everything. I almost wish he would move back in with her!

Going to bible study. Hopefully it will help calm me down.

[mishka422]

Ok, the frustration is mounting over here. H called me while I was at bible study tonight but phone was on vibrate and I wouldn't have answered anyway. I had asked him to let me know if he was going to get stuck at work late so could arrange to have someone else take S13 to karate tonight. He called at 7:15p knowing I was at bible study (assuming he actually listened...I know...probably not) to tell me that he was running behind. WHAT EVER! He said he had the call at 5:30p for a 4 car accident. OK, 5:30p and you are just calling me at 7:15 to tell me this? JERK!

A friend of mine had a thought. What if he only moved back in here because his L told him to get his but home so that it did not look to the courts like family abandonment? I don't know. That actually sounds like something he might do. The more I find out about things that have occurred over the last couple of hears the more I doubt that this is truly just MLC and not a little of him just being a total jerk! He's never been like this before and suddenly he makes a complete 180 in his personality. If I didn't know better I would swear he was on drugs. Before anyone asks, he isn't. He's tested at work all the time without warning.

I just am losing my mind tonight. Going to bed and hoping for a better tomorrow.

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I know that others may not agree with me but forget about what he may be doing, i.e. if he is trying to hedge his bets with legal action. If your state has the same laws as mine, you can only get a spouse for abandonment if there is no contact at all for a period of time. As soon as a phone call occurs or anything else of that nature, the clock starts over.

When it comes down to it, there could be more of a reason he came back home than his guilt for your son. He may not even be aware of the real reason except maybe God is working on Him and telling him he is doing something wrong. Many times I have felt compelled to do something or say something and I have no idea why. This may be a subconscious action on his part.

Try to not focus on the what ifs. Focus on yourself and your R with God. Your H is going to do what your H is going to do.

And by the way, I am sorry your mom is there all the time. It is difficult enough dealing with marital issues and not having to take care of someone else (other than your children). Keep the faith, Mishka!

[mishka422]

MMF - Thanks for the grounding. I needed it! I've got to get a grip, seriously. I'm going to continue to just be pleasant and not rock the boat.

I am going to do something to protect myself legally in case he doesn't decide to put the D on hold. A friend of my cousin's is a bounty hunter and PI. He is going to follow my H some and see if he can catch him with her and get pictures. In GA adultery is a major consideration in awarding alimony, custody, and increasing child support over the formula. I am 99% positive that custody is going to be a non-issue because my husband is not much for caregiving. Also, our son is 13 and at that age the courts will allow him to make his decision as to who he wants to live with. Being that his dad would be living with OW in a one bedroom apartment in the slums I know my son wouldn't want to be there.....EVER! We live in a beautiful community where he has friends, family members, the best schools in the state, and a house...with his own room.....with a yard and his dog. He's not going to leave that so I have no worries.

My H is really a very sick man. There's nothing AT ALL I can do for him except pray and that is what I will continue to do. I really am working my way back to no expectations other than expecting him to just sit here and wait for this 60 days to be up so the D will be final. He's going to be surprised when this goes MUCH longer and he's still not allowed to be seen in public with OW! HA! I know, sounds vindictive of me but I can't help it. I'm not going to make any of this throwing me and our family in the trash easy for him.