Hi everyone, I've been gagging to get back on these boards and check out what's happening with everyone but my beautiful little iBook hasn't been feeling well just lately and you have to book a month in advance to get a half hour slot on the family PC. LOL. So here I am back at work after the holidays and I've opened all my emails and ready to go.
Looks like 2008 is getting off to a good start in the Hap household. H has quit the drink - yay! Big thank you to RJ for putting my message on the Western Wall. It was that very Christmas Eve that H decided to quit. He continued to drink very moderately over Xmas while his folks were here and so we could have "normal" meals and festivities etc. Then he read book called "Easyway to Control Alcohol" by Allen Carr - and that was it he has quit. And btw so have I.
I initially imposed a sexual moratorium - it lasted about 5 days. Or I should say it lasted about that long after I imposed it. We hadn't had any sex for about 6 weeks before that. Dang - why am I so HD. But it was important while it lasted because I was drawing a line under our old relationship. I explained to H the reason for this decision which was to dissociate myself from the sexual afterglow feelings which lead me to think everything's OK again. Just like he needs unfogging from alcohol I need unfogging from sex. I needed space to figure out whether things really are going to be OK. I think I should have tried to keep that boundary for longer really. He was acting very cool, very determined to get into my pants which was just too darn irresistable. AGH!
Reading some of the other threads and going by my own experience of the last few weeks it does seem to me that it is essential to let go of trying in any way to control, manipulate, nudge, spook, ouitwit, prod or otherwise influence the SO's behaviour. It's also essential to quit letting them do that to you. I am learning to say what I feel without caveat. I just say it. I don't add to it or justify it or excuse it or soften the blow. It seems to work, there's less aggro in our conversations. A while back I was posting about being alpha and how I was getting good results - but they didn't last and I think that's because it was an effort for me because it's not the real me. Now I think it's not about being alpha, it's just about being me and making no apologies for being me. H needs to learn the same lesson somehow. Hey Hairdog, can you take on a student?
A couple of times when he has been trying to manipulate me by saying things like "I can't live like this". I just think to myself "OK then don't". It has made a big difference to be ready to bail. Truly ready to bail, because I don't backtrack on myself just for the sake of keeping things together.
But seriously the hard part is knowing he needs to learn the same lesson and also knowing I can't get that to happen. I just have to wait .... or not.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
