MLC's come home-part 2

[still hoping]

This is not to say we should be doormats, but have anough strength and confidence to be able to respond appropriately to the other person.

That's a great point angelica. I'm going to remember that one. After all, confidence (although not over-confidence) is an attractive trait on anyone. I realize that when I'm not acting kindly towards H, it's because I feel like I'm coming in second to ogre - when I KNOW that she's not even in the same division as me. Not even close.

That being said, my 'tactic' (I hate calling it that) now is to totally detach from him to let him feel that I'm no longer an option. I don't think he will ever come back if he believes I want him to. He has to win me back. I have to be a challenge to him. I'm giving him exactly what his MLC mind thinks he wants. So I am living my life as if what he says is for real - that he's never coming back.

And if he doesn't, that's ok too. I'm ready.

[MidwesternGirl]

You know, H does not come over Monday thru Friday unless there is a holiday in there, I would not talk to him on those days either so I would like to consider that my time of letting him be but it seems so much lately, that things beyond our control are forcing us to converse almost daily or see each other.

It is so weird.

[cagzmom]

I have been reading these post and really soaking in what everyone has been saying --- and today I had a lightbulb moment.

My H knows me. He knows my face, my eyes- he knows how to "read" everything about me (jeez no wonder i got so boring to him!!) ANYWAY--- that must be why it is so very important that we GAL. THEY KNOW WHEN WE ARE FAKING.... interesting.

Been thinking about how different I feel inside. INSIDE. Yes fake it till you make it. You bet - going out when they pick up kids and not looking frumpy anymore. EVER -- my h hasn't seen me in a "downtime" moment in over a year!! AND HE WONT! NOT TO SAY that THAT will bring him home EVER -- but attractive is attractive and dirty hair and sweatpants is NOT attractive.

INSIDE ---and inside shows up outside. Hmmm wonder if it does. Who knows and to be honest if it is really changing I shouldn't care right?

Also- one last funny. I told C monday - "hey i think i am ready to cool it down to like every other week...." He smiled and shook his head no..i said WHAT serious WHY? I am doing so good. He said...you still miss him ... i said yeah..he said no you aren't hearing me you still miss him ..he was smilng. THen he said if it woludn't have been a financial issue i would have like to had been seeing you 2 times a week over the last year... I was like huh? that bad huh? He smiled and said ..yes. =)

Missing for me is DEEPER than you are thinking. It is still to deep inside of me. MISSNIG is too close to not having let him go all the way...it was just funny. AND TODAY?? Yes I knew I was missing him..... thank God for C.

[cagzmom]

I really need some encouragement to STAND and move on. Something my son said has really hit home with me today...it hurts (probably because I am pretty sure he is living with her most of the time...)

He said.... Why would he ever come home? He has it made...he has them (the kids) and he is free of me and marriage -and he has her. Sounds pretty good to me.

I really need to move on. Yes GAL...but really just not even care anymore. When am i just not going to care...like "Oh he lives with her - big deal." WHEN WONT it matter that he has chosen another?

So often when I read these boards I feel like my H is different. YES MLC same script..but the OW part. She didn't come in until he left....so he DID leave ME NOT FOR SOMEONE he LEFT ME. She has become a sidenote. NOT BECAUSE of her that he is gone. So many of you it was the MLC and the ow. Me it was the MLC ----- then she came in...

He doesn't love me...it is over.

[cagzmom]

^^

[naej]

cagman, I haven,t posted to you before and apart from your signature line I know little of your situation but I have read some of your posts and today I can feel your pain so just wanted to post you a hug.
Seven years on I can only say it gets easier. You can go days,weeks even months without the tears and "wonderings". I have no quick solutions for getting a life. I just carried on and slowly found a pattern to the days that didn,t include thoughts of my x intruding upon them.
My children have been my salvation.
Make goals for you and look atractive for you. Find your own self worth-hard when you have ben married a long time. I took up yoga and it helped me in many ways.

Yu are very new to all of this in the great scheme of things so be kind to yourself and be patient.
I think on some level we will always care. We just have to learn that this was not about us and nothing we do will alter what has happened(imo)so fake it til you make it and one thing I know is that we all do make it one way or another.
Try to count your blessings I found that helped to.

[kikifree]

I do not think it really matters when the OW came in to turn it into MLC.
If it is MLC, he doesn't have the ability to love anyone. not even himself.

i'm soory you are feeling down today.

Believe me, we all feel/ have felt that way.

They LOOK like they have it soo good

[Treese]

Cag;

My H has OW but he says that's not why he is doing this. He says he feel out of love with me 10years ago, then it was 7, then it was 5. The fact is he said it was about us not the other woman.
Yes, that hurts even worse. I'm doing with the others on the board tell me and trying not to let it get to me. Trying to realize that it's crap he is telling me. Hard, extremely!!! This is by far the worst hurt, the hardest hurdle, the worst of everything thus far in my life. It has been a year since I found out about OW and 7 months since the bomb.

I hope and pray I get where a lot of these posters are.
Take care of yourself.

I am so thankful for this board.


((((Treese))))

[Treese]

KiKi:

that is so true. They appear to everyone else that they are so with it, when in fact they are hiding so much. The little stuff is starting to come out with my H.

* the "I have no confidence" (H has always been the most confident person I know

*** "you would be better off without me anyway"

He says it's our marriage, I now believe it is himself. His mom has helped me realize that. She asked me the other day, "why are you trying to figure out what you did, you did nothing", he feels guilty"'

I think I believe her.

Treese

[cagzmom]

i know i have read time and time again here that what my h has done is "script." And I think that it is true. I mean I feel like I could be in a class and open a book to page xx of whatever and point and I would be reading EXACTLY what has happened. So MY HEAD knows that this is all right in line. But my heart...it is confused.

Why you may wonder? I guess just how "over me" and distanced he is from me. It is like I dont know. He isn't mean to me - never really has been...it isn't his way. He is not a CONFLICT kinda guy. So he was always like this. Nice- kind gentle.

We can talk and speak to one another, shoot I bet if I wanted to go to lunch or go to his work he would say "sure come on by..." But would HE initiate anything like that NO WAY!! I know that about him too. At least not now, because that would give me hope that there was something there. He doesn't want me to have any hope - AND HE HAS SAID I AM DONE.

He hasn't said those words to me in a very long time. The last time was June -I haven't heard them from him since then. (and I haven't asked) BUT HIS ACTIONS show it. And because I am to gaurd my heart that is what I watch. His actions.

His actions-
I think he is living with her most of the time.
He is going to introduce D11 to her this weekend.
He is cordial and kind - "friend" like but distant.
He does NOT contact me on his own, unless an email or text about
$$.
He proceeded to fill out and finailize the seperation papers-
didn't pull back.
He was happy that I was moving on with my life - and said that
is what he is trying to do. (said to D11)
He has been gone almost a year. Many of yours CAME BACK after
a year - mine is entangled with his ow - he shows NO signs
of "peaking out."
He quit counseling.


ME? I feel like I have "KNOWONE is welcome" printed on my forehead. He found someone within a month of being gone (shoot within weeks). ME? I haven't been hit on by ONE MAN. NOT ONE. AND what is wierd is I don't think I am ugly anymore (another story.) NOT saying that that DEFINES you...just saying he IS DONE and my PRESENCE the very essence of me says - not available.

M