Get Me on a Smoother Ride.....Need Advice, Part 11

[Rob1231]

HI ROB!!! Thanks so much for checking on me so quickly after your return. I hope you had a great vacation. D3 has been asking us to take her to the water park. We took a few days off in Oct. '06 and took her to one. It was hard not being able to tell her....Sure Honey! I just keep saying, We'll See. I'd like you to tell me what part of H's actions show that he's been shaken up lately. I feel like the more shaken one. He sure didn't seem to bothered by much, as he went out on New Year's Eve, 2 nights last weekend and without snooping (well, very little), I'm fairly aware that he's seen OW a couple of times. I do wonder though, if this coming out in the open has pushed their contact a little more underground. Just a few things that seem to have decreased. His pc time when I'm up and around the house. Yes, he still gets on it, but not as much when I'm awake. There have been a few times that I've woken up to D3's crying...etc., to hear him clicking away. His working out late. He went to workout last night at 8:00 and was home early. Now, I don't doubt that the contact is still there and very strong. I just see them trying to hide it better so it doesn't have to stop.

Hi Sue! Found your new thread at last, not sure how I missed it before.

Thanks, the family vacation was very nice, although D15 is getting to be more of a sullen stereotypical teenager every day. Nothing I can't handle tho!

When I say that H has been shaken up, what I mean is that you've started taking a more assertive stance in your sitch. You've turned him down for sex, you've confronted him about the A, and you've taken off with D3 for a couple of days to get some much-needed space. H's response hasn't always been the nicest - but I guess that's to be expected in many ways. But the important things are that you DID take some control, and he DID react. The message may be penetrating his tiny brain at last - he is no longer calling all of the shots. And that's a very good thing.

Even if his response is to hide things more - well, that's him losing a little control too. It means he knows, at some level, that what he's doing is wrong and something that needs to be 'hidden'. In some ways, sneaking around may add to the excitement - but I think, with you and OW's H both knowing about it, it's probably getting past that point.

I wanted to respond to this as well:

I don't understand why you wouldn't go to Indiana with your husband either. The biggest problem that we face in our marriages is that each spouse is a married-single, going off in his/her own direction. What all of our marriages need is more time together. Time spent enjoying the family together. That's what this trip should be. And that's why you most certainly should go. If your goal is to save the marriage, you need to have as much shared time as a family as possible.

I agree, time together is great - as long as it does move you in a positive direction. If that time subjects you to him being a jerk, or if that time is perceived by him as you pursuing, then I would say back off and work on yourself instead. There are definitely times when togetherness does not work to your advantage.