I just didn't get a chance yesterday to be away from H long enough to get on and post. I get suspicious of time that he's clicking away on the computer and I know he does of me too. Not as big of a deal with me, but he has a tendency to say.....Well, you do it, why can't I. I didn't want to get into that with him.
Saffie-I'm okay for now. I did end up laying on the couch and falling asleep on Sat. night/Sun. morning. I wanted to go back to my bed, but I didn't want him to try his advances with me again, just to hear more insults. H woke me up in the morning asking why I'd slept on the couch. Didn't remember a thing. Scares me, as I know he was driving....my vehicle. lwb, you were right! H acted "as if" on Sunday, going as far as to have D3 ask me if I wanted to go out to breakfast with them. I did go. We had a good time. H was obviously very hung over. He was also very flirty the rest of the day. ???? He did sleep a lot, so I took advantage of that time for some downtime of my own. I was tired. D3 has started waking up again during the night.
Sally- You mentioned narcisism (sp?) in your post to me. My C said that she feels this way about my H, at least that he's borderline. She brought up questions about his family too. I know that my C sessions are about me, but she's trying to figure out what kind of person I'm dealing with. I believe very much that he has a lot of self-loathing. H also doesn't see me as a strong, faithful, loving woman. He sees me as a weak one. He has asked me why I would love him if he's done the things he's done.
HI ROB!!! Thanks so much for checking on me so quickly after your return. I hope you had a great vacation. D3 has been asking us to take her to the water park. We took a few days off in Oct. '06 and took her to one. It was hard not being able to tell her....Sure Honey! I just keep saying, We'll See. I'd like you to tell me what part of H's actions show that he's been shaken up lately. I feel like the more shaken one. He sure didn't seem to bothered by much, as he went out on New Year's Eve, 2 nights last weekend and without snooping (well, very little), I'm fairly aware that he's seen OW a couple of times. I do wonder though, if this coming out in the open has pushed their contact a little more underground. Just a few things that seem to have decreased. His pc time when I'm up and around the house. Yes, he still gets on it, but not as much when I'm awake. There have been a few times that I've woken up to D3's crying...etc., to hear him clicking away. His working out late. He went to workout last night at 8:00 and was home early. Now, I don't doubt that the contact is still there and very strong. I just see them trying to hide it better so it doesn't have to stop.
H asked me on Friday night if I still would like to go to Indiana to see his family. We were scheduled to go next weekend, but that's been moved up to this coming Friday-next Monday. I told him that I'd like to so I could see some friends of mine, but that I thought maybe that was a decision he should make. He asked why I felt it was up to him. I told him that it was his family and he needed to decide if he wanted me there. He told me, no, it's up to you. If you want to come, you're welcome to come. Now, there's a tiny part of me that wants to say NO...you go. However, I don't think he'd take D3 for 4 days by himself. And, if he doesn't take her, it's extremely unfair to his family because they miss her terribly. And, I don't really want him to take her by himself for 4 days. I don't doubt that she'd be okay, but I just can't get myself to let her go. And, there's also that thing inside that tells me that this is time (especially the drive time) that we're together as a family. Not much getting away from each other. Maybe that will be too much for H to handle, maybe not.
D3 has literally been a Godsend for me during all of this. It's tough to watch her see things happening that she can't control and seeing her confused and trying to hold on so tight. But, she's the one that keeps me smiling, laughing and seeing that I do have things to look forward to. I just laughed the other day when I told her that she needed to clean her room. She said...We need to clean my room. I asked her who made the mess. She said, I made the mess, but you have to help me clean it up!!
Sheila- Thanks! Trust me, it's been hard to hold my tounge lately. I don't want to be a b*tch and push him away further, but yet I feel like I need to push and be stronger to show him that I'm not weak. I'm not incapable.
Hi! I'm new to the boards. You sound so strong to me-can't believe your H thinks you aren't! I am just learning this all myself and it seems so difficult--I've just read the DB book and ordered the Divorce Remedy book, and been reading the posts this past week, and started posting here as well. Trying to learn from you and others. Nice to meet you! Karen
So nice to meet you too. Just wish it were under different circumstances!! I don't believe I've posted on your thread, but I have been reading it. Part of the reason I remember you is because your thread struck a cord with me immediately when you said your H is having a A with a married woman with kids. You might have seen that my H is also. The OW in my case also has 4 kids. So, with our D3, that makes 5 children that will be incredibly affected by 1 A. Sad.
I'll look on your thread and see what's new.
Thanks for posting. You're in a good spot for support. The board and the people here have been a life saver for me.
SueS
Last edited by SueS; 01/07/0809:20 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I don't understand why you wouldn't go to Indiana with your husband either. The biggest problem that we face in our marriages is that each spouse is a married-single, going off in his/her own direction. What all of our marriages need is more time together. Time spent enjoying the family together. That's what this trip should be. And that's why you most certainly should go. If your goal is to save the marriage, you need to have as much shared time as a family as possible.
Sara- You are right. I do need to go with him. Although I think that H will be off with friends a lot of the time, if he didn't want me to go, he truly would tell me he didn't want me going. He'd find a way to have D3 taken care of by his family.
Paul- Thanks for the love & hugs. No matter if you contribute or not, I look forward to seeing you stop by. It means a lot to me.
Just found out that we'll be heading to Indiana next weekend as first planned instead of this weekend. My BIL had told my H that he'd take him to the Colts/Chargers game this weekend if we came down. H isn't happy because BIL is now taking our SIL. H said...I can't believe he's taking her. BIL and SIL had been talking about a possible divorce earlier this summer. BIL decided he wants to work on the M. SIL is working on it. Good for them for doing this together and H not getting what he wants. The reasoning probably won't sink in with my H, but if he'd stop and think for a second, he'd see that his hard headed, very stubborn brother is even trying with his M.
Thanks- Sue
Last edited by SueS; 01/07/0810:48 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Hey Sue. I also think you should go, if you want. If you want time alone with H, then tell him so. Don't let him go out with his friends the whole time.
I wish he would see the positives of your BIL and SIL working on their marriage. I am thrilled for them, and don't even know them.
ahhh brilliant advice lwb! Sue, if you want time alone with your H, ask for it.
Do you ask for your H's time or tell him that you need to be there for you much? I'm only asking because (of course!), it reminds me of a prob I used to have with J until I got a clue. I felt rejected and like he didn't "really" love me. Obviously, this was a problem with my self image, but at the time I was looking at our R through those glasses. My LL is PT and his is AoS. So while he did a lot of sweet things like help around the house and with the kids, I really wanted PT and wasn't getting enough. I also remember it being a huge issue that I didn't feel like he needed me. He didn't ask for my time, attention or to ML often. I'd say "do you want me to do XYX, and he'd say "if you want or I don't care". I wanted him to say "yes, I need you to do XYZ or to go here or to spend time with him. After awhile I felt like he didn't really care if I was there or if he was with me at all. This set up so much hurt and bitterness in me because I was relying on others to determine my worth. Wrong, yes and I'm not proud of it. But anyway.. going back to when your H said he didn't think you love him and just wondering. This doesn't make it your problem. It's still on his shoulders, but I wonder how he'd act if you started needing his time and attention and expressed that? I may be way off.. just throwing something out there for thought.
I do remember that I spent a lot of time out with my friends during that time in our R (we were young then!) because I felt like they wanted to be with me more than he did. Was soooo untrue, but that's how I interpreted his actions and silence. I now know that he's just considerate and didn't want to "impose" his needs on me. To this day if I ask him a question and he says "I don't care, or if you want", I sometimes ask him for a straight answer so I know because he thinks those words mean "yes" and to me they say "I don't care, or if you want to because I don't but will if you do." Ya, I'm a little screwy
I'm glad you're going to see your H's dad with him. I hope it gives ya'll a chance to separate from what's going on at home and be together as a family. I'm gonna pray that everyone is busy so that your H can't go out with his friends too much! It sounds like the time you have together as a family is good when you're out, but you don't get enough of it!
HI ROB!!! Thanks so much for checking on me so quickly after your return. I hope you had a great vacation. D3 has been asking us to take her to the water park. We took a few days off in Oct. '06 and took her to one. It was hard not being able to tell her....Sure Honey! I just keep saying, We'll See. I'd like you to tell me what part of H's actions show that he's been shaken up lately. I feel like the more shaken one. He sure didn't seem to bothered by much, as he went out on New Year's Eve, 2 nights last weekend and without snooping (well, very little), I'm fairly aware that he's seen OW a couple of times. I do wonder though, if this coming out in the open has pushed their contact a little more underground. Just a few things that seem to have decreased. His pc time when I'm up and around the house. Yes, he still gets on it, but not as much when I'm awake. There have been a few times that I've woken up to D3's crying...etc., to hear him clicking away. His working out late. He went to workout last night at 8:00 and was home early. Now, I don't doubt that the contact is still there and very strong. I just see them trying to hide it better so it doesn't have to stop.
Hi Sue! Found your new thread at last, not sure how I missed it before.
Thanks, the family vacation was very nice, although D15 is getting to be more of a sullen stereotypical teenager every day. Nothing I can't handle tho!
When I say that H has been shaken up, what I mean is that you've started taking a more assertive stance in your sitch. You've turned him down for sex, you've confronted him about the A, and you've taken off with D3 for a couple of days to get some much-needed space. H's response hasn't always been the nicest - but I guess that's to be expected in many ways. But the important things are that you DID take some control, and he DID react. The message may be penetrating his tiny brain at last - he is no longer calling all of the shots. And that's a very good thing.
Even if his response is to hide things more - well, that's him losing a little control too. It means he knows, at some level, that what he's doing is wrong and something that needs to be 'hidden'. In some ways, sneaking around may add to the excitement - but I think, with you and OW's H both knowing about it, it's probably getting past that point.
I wanted to respond to this as well:
Originally Posted By: Sara
I don't understand why you wouldn't go to Indiana with your husband either. The biggest problem that we face in our marriages is that each spouse is a married-single, going off in his/her own direction. What all of our marriages need is more time together. Time spent enjoying the family together. That's what this trip should be. And that's why you most certainly should go. If your goal is to save the marriage, you need to have as much shared time as a family as possible.
I agree, time together is great - as long as it does move you in a positive direction. If that time subjects you to him being a jerk, or if that time is perceived by him as you pursuing, then I would say back off and work on yourself instead. There are definitely times when togetherness does not work to your advantage.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I helped D3 clean up the aftermath of the cyclone that hit her room. Oh that little girl!!
I hadn't eaten before H got home. He kind of moaned a bit when I asked him to just add some for me, but he did it. Then told D3 that she needed to let me eat, as mommy was hungry too. I thanked him and tried to talk a little, but he was kind of quiet. I think he's a bit upset that his brother isn't taking him to the Chargers/Colts game this weekend. Oh well, I'm sure he'll find something else to do anyway! And, I'm very happy that my BIL chose to do that. My BIL and H are, or were, very much alike. It makes me very happy to see that my BIL is finally straightening up and seeing what's important in his life. Wish H would take a lesson from that. Last year when they were talking about divorcing, I think H was relieved because it meant that we weren't the only ones with issues or possibly headed that way.
H got angry with D3 last night. She wasn't being cooperative in getting to bed. There were times last night that I could see the...."let me out of here", look on his face. I know we all have that feeling sometimes when we're tired and things get to be too much, but it seems like the WAS sees it as....this is why I need space or this isn't what I want at all, instead of just a bad night or a tired child.
Rob, I'm glad that you pointed out a few things that seemed to shake H up. Like I'd said, I was the one that really felt shaken. H's words the other night were really hurtful, but just for a second. Then I thought, these are the words of a drunken, pathetic, lost person. A person I love, but still drunk, pathetic and lost. I asked myself how much he could hate himself to be able to say such cruel things to me. He said things like that to me during his last A. At that time, I took it very personal. It's hard not to. I realized yesterday that is last A had ended by this time. That made me sad. I also realized that the personal attacks he made toward me during the last A came during the last month or so of the A. I don't want to compare them because I know this one is still strong, but it's odd that he hadn't taken shots like this at me before.
I do think the A has taken cover into darkness. H doesn't spend as much time on the pc and he's not sneaking off as much for his calls. Now I do understand that it's not been much more than a week, but these are the things I've noticed. I'm sure they think that they're being extra careful now. Whatever!
About going to H's dad's. I will go. H would find a way to let me know if he didn't want me to go. And, he told me that if I wanted to go, then I should go. I won't push H to play happy family while we're there. I don't think either of us would be able to fake that anyway. I'll just try to have fun and make sure D3 is having fun.
Oh, gee and the countdown is on. I turn 40 one month from yesterday. What a way to celebrate a milestone birthday!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
