We all know the mantra...detach, detach, detach...let go, let go, let go...get a life, get a life, get a life.
We all know our WASs are on a trip and we are uninvited passengers. We can't control them, and we can only control ourselves.
We all try to convince ourselves that this is an unique opportunity to live life.
But oh my god its so tough. I've written elsewehere that I feel I'm starting to detach from my 15 year marriage after 15 months of hell (it would appear that 15 is my "number of the beast"!). Perhaps my input in others situations has given the impression that I've cracked the detaching puzzle, and I'm serenely floating above my W's chaos in a zen-like state of peace. No way.
Let me give you an example of how our humanity, and above all that fickle and intangible thing called love, dent the most logical plans. My W has told me that her A is over, but she's also told me that we are over, and she's never going to trust any man again. Yesterday she told me she was going out in the evening, and mentioned where she might be going. Suddenly this little voice started whispering in my head...maybe she's meeting OM, maybe she's meeting a new man...I fought back with thoughts of independence, freedom and detachment...I don't need her, and snooping won't change anything. What would I do if I found her with a man? Would I leave? Would I slam an ultimatum on the table? Probably do nothing and just keep going...but the whispering increased...You need certainty about where, if anywhere, the marriage is headed. Seeing her with another man will help break any last loving links and you'll finally be free. I had promised myself that 2008 would be different, but it wasn't. This thinking and counter-thinking consumed me and destroyed most of my day (a day which will never return and is lost from my life as part of the carnage that is the gift of our WASs). Obviously I succumbed to temptation and went over to the area where she was supposed to be hanging out. I felt weak & pathetic as I stayed in the shadows, and walked down the street. I found nothing, and went home. My madness continued, as I then decided to hang outside our apartment building, and see whether she was going to be dropped off by a guy. It was cold, and dark, and the security guard kept staring at me...probably thinking what's this guy doing. The only thing that could save me was a voice of reason. I called my BIL, and we chatted. He asked me what I was hoping to achieve? Confronting my wife would destroy all my patient hardwork. I could press the eject button anytime. This was not the right time given I hadn't seen any deterioration or final decisions from my W. He then said that this was a strategic war, and a winning general does not give away hard fought gains in a foolish cavalry charge. This obviously appealed to my macho male ego and I calmed down, and went home.
My W returned, and was surprised to see me awake. I complimented her on her outfit (she was looking very cute and I melted), and she gave me a happy twirl and walked off to get changed. I then went to play on my PS3, and she came back and sat near me sipping a glass of water. Apparently she'd been out with her girlfriends (I've never met them, and this feeds some of my insecurity and paranoia). She hasn't spoken to me, or sat next to me for days. In the morning I woke up and she was still chatty, and made me a cup of tea. I told her about a work meeting and she was quite excited. In fact she later sent me a text saying how proud she was of my successes at work, and hoped that God would continue to bless me. I sent a reply of thanks. So on the face of it I was stupid to worry, my calmness elicited a positive response, and all ended well. Right? She told me she's going out again tonight, and so should I worry again?
We are human, and our mental and physical strength cannot hide our frailties. We hate loneliness. We hate uncertainty. These are the key challenges for a DBing LBS...fighting a lonely & seemingly unending battle to save our marriages in which the enemy is the person we love the most.
All we can do is keeping going, and look at this wonderful community as our source of inspiration.
I have no solutions, and only offer this posting as an example of the torment of trying to detach. I'm ok today, and am continuing with my GALling. In fact, these postings are part of my resolution to start writing (who knows these postings could well be the beginnings of a new career!).
Oh yes! I also detest feeling insecure, needy, and not good enough....
I feel very much the same way that you do about your W's friends. Since my H has started a new job (in the midst of all of this mess), he has made new work friends, and sometimes hangs out with them. I hate that I am not invited to meet them, don't hear about all the job stuff. I wonder what he tells them about me.
Your 'setback' didn't set anything back. I have done some things this summer (snoop-wise) that I am not proud of, but I am most angry at one point you touched briefly on: I feel all of these days that were wasted on the hurt and torment of my status as a LBS, I can't get them back. I have less pictures of the kids, I didn't do as much with them on their summer break, and I avoided certain fall activities as well. I can't ever get those days back.
Thank you so much for posting this. It rings sooo true.
The lost time is something which hurts a LBS more than a WAS. It seems the WAS is having the time of their life at our expense. The biggest gut-wrencher for me is this feeling of "Hey wait a minute. We worked ourselves to the bone building a family, building a career and planning for a golden future. Having got through 10+ years of marriage, having turned 40ish, and getting ready to enjoy the fruits of our labour, you selfish idiot destroy everything! I don't have the time, energy or motivation of a 20-something to start again."
The only way to deal with this feeling of loss is to ensure the days ahead of us aren't loss (we GAL till it hurts), and to realise that our spouses didn't maliciously plan to hurt us in our vulnerable middle-age.
Whatever one says, whatever one believes, and however one gets through this mess, its still a journey through the darkest corners of hell.
Your so right - I had 20 yrs with my H and I just turned 40 and its so easy for him - he found somone while he was with me! and now hes living with her. And I am really struggling to GAL. I think the same thing I dont have the energy to to start over again. When we met I was 20 and when your 20 love just happens you dont think like we do now. When and if I start dating someday I think how difficult that is going to be. Everybody I meet I will be think so deeply - is this a good man for my 6 yr old D and is this someone I want to be with for years now that I am 40. WHen I was 20 you dont think that way - your out to have fun and then it just happens - now its a whole different ball game and I just do not want to play. Maybe that will change in time. I am not an example of detaching. My story is a mess and I am just beginning to Gal and try to detach but I found myself googling my Hs name to see if he comes up on any dating web sites even though he is livng with OW. Yes it is a journey through hell
Rather than hell, I like the image of purgatory: a purifying fire.
It's our choice, hell, or purification.
But I know what you mean.
You get up in the morning and realize the nightmare is your waking life and not your sleeping life.
Weeks, months, years seem lost.
Your life is divided into two phases: pre and post bomb.
There's seems to be no justice in the world. It's as if gravity were suspended and there's no place to get solid footing. In the words of Yeats:
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity.
Sometimes, in the words of Douglas Coupland, I've felt de-narrated. As if my life has lost it's story-line. My story was that we were a happily married couple with delightful children whom we deeply loved. This was blown to bits. The sense of being a family is eroding. Though I'm closer to my children than I've ever been, I feel as if they are slipping from me.
I think perhaps, finding a deeper, richer, ancient narrative that we can be a part of means something to me. Something true and good and noble.
So is the pain meaningless suffering, or is it purposeful and redemptive?
