Hi guys - Its really going to be a major life change for me as you guys are going through also. I have no family in NY. Parents retired in FL, three sisters scattered across the country and I have 2 friends local who are both "happily" married stay at home moms who I can not connect to anymore. I feel a distance from them already as if I have caught some rare disease and I am contagious. So, I hope to meet some friends - or just one friend when I return to work. People really have no idea how painful an affair is until you go through it. My "happily" married friends all look at me and say its been months get on with your life - they say "thats what I would do - as soon as I found out my H was cheating I would be gone." I just look at them like they are aliens bec thats where I used to be. I was one of those women who judged and thought I would never want my H back if he committed adultery. I had a friend who repaired her M after an affair and I thought - shes crazy. Now here I am hoping my H has a change of heart and a miracle happens bec when you lose what you thought you would have forever it changes your complete outlook and when you experience such pain you are amazed at what you can forgive knowing your family is at stake. It has taught me never to judge anyone until you walked in their shoes. I will get on with my life and just hope for a miracle. Sue I know the kids and what they go through during a separation tears your heart and the problem with the spouse who has the A and is that they are so wrapped up in their own needs they dont see the damage and pain they are causing to their children. In my case my H dropped the bomb and filed immed and moved out - I was left to pick up the pieces with my D - hes never seen her cry, act out or seen any changes at all bec when he sees her he takes her to dinner and shopping for toys so of course he sees a happy 6 yr old and thinks oh shes just fine - but I'm the one who has seen a dramatic change in her personality and hs seen her break down and cry over the littlest things that normally would not bother her. I read somewhere that when a spouse is in an affair they justify all the pain they are causing bec they have convinced themselves that they have already sacrificed so much by being in an "unhappy" marriage and now its ok to live for themselves. I will never forgive my H for never giving me a chance to work on my M. H made all the decisions in his own head, dropped the bomb and left. I had no choice. If he was thinking of his D - dont you think he would have said I know I'm unhappy but I at least have to be honest and work on this M at least once and see is anything changes. He did not even want to try. That kills me bec I would have done anything to give my M and my family a fighting chance.
FA - its amazing - I never once had a babysitter either. I realize we did it all wrong - never had "couple time". My H told me to get a babysitter about a month before he dropped bomb and I never did - maybe that was his last attempt to try at our M. Its funny how I look back and remember things he said to me and now I say Oh so thats what he meant - now I get it. He also told me when he left he felt I put our D first - he even went on to say if we were all watching tv together and he asked for his shoulders to be rubbed my D would then ask can I have a rub and I would rub her first - he resented that so much. He was jelous of his own D and I had no idea. Why did he never open his mouth - if I had only known - I guess he felt like he was married to a mother instead of a woman. And now hes probably involved with someone the complete opposite of me and so now I look bad. Shes probably a perky, vivacious, outgoing person like him who laughs at all his jokes and they have plenty of couple time bec he is living the single life and has his nights free. It makes me sick - sick - sick