Questions for DBing Men

[Michael Mc C]

Wow. I have never looked at it from MY point of view, as in if I was the one needing 'rescuing'. Believe it or not, your post brought tears to my eyes.

Okay, so here we go.

1) How do I detach while having suspicions or knowledge of an ongoing A and still leave the door open to reconciliation? How do I detach while letting him know that I still love him and want to work on my M?

This, I think, is a unisex issue. I wish I knew... Detaching does not mean giving up your love for someone. It is the realization that YOU cannot do anything to fix anyone other than you. With practice you eventually come to the realization that this person's actions cannot affect you - for your own good. You don't like it, you think it's reckless but you cannot stop it and you must not let the behavior have an impact on you. Focus on you.

2) How should I interpret his flip flop behavior? Do I put more weight on the loving actions he shows, or the distant behavior?

Again, wish I knew - LOL!! Practice. When he's loving does it seem sincere? When he's distant, does it appear forced? That is what I see in my sitch. My wife distances herself on purpose (IMO). She lets her guard down and that gives me hope. Is there anything in particular that ellicits his behavior, for good or for bad. That's what you should look at. If I do x and husband does y, should I continue doing x or not? However: If x is not who you really are, don't do it. Do not compromise your morals, principles, self-identity just to bring your husband back around. It will backfire because you want him attracted to your true self.

3) How should I react when he seems to trying to show me that he is bothered by something but denies there is anything bothering him when I ask? Sometimes he does tell me what's bothering him, which makes this even more confusing.

This may be a guy thing. I was not always forthcoming with problems I was having. My job, finances, etc. My wife, in my opinion at the time, shouldn't be worried about MY responsibilities. I know this is wrong. When he tells you that something is bothering him, you need to take pay close attention to that. Men, in general, do not share problems unless they are looking for help. This is my opinion. I remember plenty of conversations where my wife wanted to help with something that I didn't WANT help with. What really hurt, however, is when I asked for help and she ignored me. That was the start of our problems. I don't blame her, I blame our communication.

4) Would you take your Ws back if they had a change of heard, even after they divorced you, or do you believe there is a point at which there is "no turning back"?

Interesting point. When we were dating my wife and I broke up for a few months and she was seeing a guy (believe it or not from Virginia - read my thread for the comedy there). We were not married and so whatever she did was not that big a deal to me. However, now that we are married, I cannot imagine taking her back if she is ever physical with another man. I haven't been there in our marriage yet so I can't say for sure how much this would trouble me.

If my wife had a change of heart tomorrow, no doubt I would take her back. If we divorced, I know the answer is the same. However, I have not reached a point in my detachment where there COULD be any doubt. I love her. I want to be married to her. There may come a day that neither of these are true. So in short, yes, I believe there can be a point of no return however we have not reached that.

So... In my opinion anyone who is willing to FIGHT for their marriage is a wonderful person. I don't know if my insight will help in any way but I look at the DB'ing ladies and wish my wife had the moxy to do this. I wish she looked for help when things were going bad.

Keep in mind that the above is the opinion of one man, who has been at this for only 4 months.