Hope - I posted very quickly to you on your last thread. I do so relate to what you posted on happiness. I was happy in a very deep and innocent way that I realise is lost and gone. The relationship that I may have in the future with my h [or anyone else] will be more 'consructed' and more transactional.
That is loss. So what is gain? Well I have a very good friend whose first h was abusive and cheated on her. She eventually divorced him, and remarried, and is very frank about the second relationship. She said she is happier than she has ever been in her life, but at the same time it is 'different'. She isn't lost in the marriage. And I know that her second h would never cheat on her - he knows that she can live without him. She also told me that she has never stopped loving her first h. A remarkable woman.
So, what comes out of this rambling? Well our future relationships will be more of a construction. Initially there will be less trust: trust will have to be earned. We will have more self knowledge. The new relationship will be 'grown up'. If we get back with our spouses after this breach, it is with a damaged and somewhat humiliated human being. They have behaved in a way that has not only shocked us, but them as well.
I have grown up children, and I have learned a lot from the transition from them being 'mine' to them being independent adults. Our relationship is close and loving, but different. . .
Nothing stays the same. I now believe that I can have a better relationship because I have grown up. Out of grief and destruction and lose can come growth and something better. i truly believe that and have Hope for the future.
angelica, thanks for the post. It was interesting to hear about your friend who remarried. I wonder at what point she felt it was ok to move on with her heart while also recognizing she would always love her first husband? I do believe I have learned a great deal about R's from this. I hope to use it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Dear Hope - I think she didn't take her first h back because of the physical abuse. he was a surgeon, and he used to drink and hit her. It got worse. He also had OW, and then the current one has something on him professionally. . . so he is trapped with her. Apparently they fight all the time, and are quite unahppy together. Anything that my friend has that the OW hears about she has to have, only bigger and better!! Oh and he hasn't married the OW, although she would like him to.
This was more than MLC, the man was gong crazy - she started dating again about 4 years after she and her h finally split, but his affair had beengoing on for about a year before the final split - they were going to MC and he was denying thedrinking and carying on with the affair..
When she filed for divorce, after they had been apart for 4 years her h told her that 'he never wanted this to happen'!!!
I believe that he regrets it to this day, but he wasn't prepared to deal with his demons. His children tolerate him . . . it is very very sad, because he had everything. Fantastic career, lovely wife, and great kids,
Now he is a fairly lonely and isolated man trapped in a pretty loveless relationshp. My friend went through hell, being left with 2 young children, but as she says 'What goes around come around'. Not that we wish bad on these people - they do it to themselves sadly.
After journaling and reading, I decided to send H a text. I told him that even though his feelings had changed I was still glad that I had met him and married him. I wished him well and hit, 'send'. Then I went into the kitchen. About 45 sec. later he was calling. I didn't answer though; I didn't know what to say after sending that. I'm trying to remain detached. I don't want to be pulled back in anymore. But I am also trying to show him that I do not hate him and I don't regret our years together. He did not leave a message.
I hope I did ok.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, I guess the timing has to be right to do something like that, and it sounds like it was. Good job! I myself don't have it in me to reach out to H yet. I haven't found the balence between detatching and yet being loving with out it seeming to him like I am pursuing. All in good time! TIPPER
Is there anything you now wish you had done different?
I think if you have answers to those questions that you are ok with, you don't need others to vote on how you did. You have earned the right to say what you want, when you want, and then walk away take a break from it. Do it for you, based on what you think you need to do. That includes answering the phone or not afterwards. You gave him a message, and some time to digest it without jumping right into a discussion.
You already know that if something isn't working, try something else. Time will tell how this works for you, so relax and give time room to grow.
Was2, I felt better after I sent it. Even though he did this, I still don't wish I'd never been with him at all. I'm sure he thinks I might, and probably thinks I should hate him for all of this, but I don't. I guess that's what I wanted to convey. Just going along with my day and my life.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
When you throw the dog a bone, and he wants to reward you with a lick and get a little petting in, you smile, bend down, receive the lick and give the massage behind the ear.
You listen. You validate.
You let him lead.
You answer the phone.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
