Confusion of a WAW (Thread 5)

Wow - W is just useless today. I took D last night after she suggested that she comes over "really early in the morning" to help me pack and move some stuff out. She IM'ed me at 10 to say that she was waiting for towels to dry, then again at 11:15 to say she was almost ready. AGAIN at 11:50 to say she was leaving. She got here at around 1pm, which makes no sense since it is a 20-30min drive. It was nice (and unusual) that she IM'ed me to tell me she was going to be late, but I basically wasted half a day while she fudged around.

We went out for lunch with D - It was fun, but W was really quiet. W didn't talk a whole lot. She got a text message from a friend, then started to complain about them. Finished up with "I don't talk to them much anymore since they don't like OM". I wanted to say something sarcastic, but I bit my tongue

Got home, D went to bed. W and I got everything out of the attic and we shoved as much as we could into her car and she drove it to her house. I'm going to get more stuff together while she's away.

W just seems 'empty' right now. She laughs, but not really consistently. I'd be interested to see if anything at all makes her happy, because it sure seams like it doesn't right now. Took down the Christmas tree today - Didn't say a word at all. Also found out today that she has $900 in payroll advances, so she's obviously financially secure right now...

Maybe it's just the way I feel today & yesterday, but she doesn't seem very 'attractive' at the moment. Not that I don't still love her, but she's nothing like the person I met almost five years ago. I just put a couple of wedding photos in a box, and it's like she's not even the same person anymore.

Some updates/journaling:

W come back yesterday afternoon, watched half of a movie with me, then I went out to take some stuff to storage and left her with D (D was sleeping). When I got back, W had D up and was ready to leave. I was starving, so I was looking at the Chinese restaurant menu I have, and asked W if she wanted anything. At first she said no, so I said "okay", then she changed her mind. We made some food for D, but she was more interested in W's rice. After dinner W left with a kiss, hug and ILY. It was nice, but her heart wasn't in it. I talked to her a bit on IM when she got home, but I was really tired and needed to get some stuff done at home, so I cut it short.

This morning W IM'd me pretty early to talk about D - Nothing much, but it was strange. She hasn't initiated contact on weekends a whole lot other than when we first separated. I had a ton of stuff to do today (packing, taking stuff to storage, buying some moving supplies), but W talked to me pretty much none stop whenever I was home. D is sick tonight, but even though I offered, W didn't want any help. Still talking to me all the time though. I told W I'd stay home with D tomorrow if she's still sick.

It's odd. We went from pretty much NC all of last week to her going out of her way to talk to me all weekend. She was quiet yesterday, but she was much brighter and happier around me and D by the time dinner came along.

[lizzy]

Thats funny Brit, my H was quieter this weekend and around less. Our WASs must be in different cycle patterns. Hope your D is feeling better. The poor thing is having a rough winter. At least it is warmer here today!

Thats funny Brit, my H was quieter this weekend and around less. Our WASs must be in different cycle patterns. Hope your D is feeling better. The poor thing is having a rough winter. At least it is warmer here today!

I think the warm weather is messing her up - One of her eyes is all red because her sinuses are so bad.

I talked to W earlier, and she had put D to bed, then half an hour later told me she had awoken. I suggested I come over and get D for the night. W said no. I gave it fifteen minutes, listened to what W was saying (basically - I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and I always get stressed out and anxious when D is sick). Told her I was going to get coffee, and I'd be by for D in a while. W didn't complain at all. Got to W's house, D was up and about her in her jammies. I gave W her coffee, tempted D with some food, which she refused, then left - W was really friendly (asked all about my day and whatnot). I got a really nice hug, some kisses and an ILY. D just said 'bye bye' when we left. W was wearing her 'sexy' pajamas - Old t-shirt she uses for painting and pants that have been washed so many times that it's surprising they're even in one piece.

Came home to this:

(10:12:52 PM) W: thank you so much for your help
(10:13:01 PM) W: I feel like a bit of a failure, though
(10:13:27 PM) W: that poor kid just keeps getting sick...I think I'm doing something wrong

She already logged out, but I wasn't sure if/how I should respond. Ideas?

[lizzy]

I wouldn't call W at this point. Maybe send her an e-mail or text. Just tell her D isn't sick because of her that it is the weather like you said to me. I know I never had sinus problems before I moved to Cleveland. I love this town, but the weather bites.

Hey, don't knock W's sexy jammies. I think I own the same ones. I know my H always hated when I wore stuff like that. I was actually thinking of buying some real sexy stuff and laying it out on the bed for him to see sometime when he stops by.

I wouldn't call W at this point. Maybe send her an e-mail or text. Just tell her D isn't sick because of her that it is the weather like you said to me. I know I never had sinus problems before I moved to Cleveland. I love this town, but the weather bites.

I wasn't going to call - She's probably in bed already. I'm sure I'll talk to her tomorrow about D anyway.

Hey, don't knock W's sexy jammies. I think I own the same ones. I know my H always hated when I wore stuff like that. I was actually thinking of buying some real sexy stuff and laying it out on the bed for him to see sometime when he stops by.

W and I always used to share jammies - Flannel pants and a t-shirt. I bought her a bunch of them for Christmas. The jammies she was wearing tonight seem to fit with her mood recently.

Tonight was a rough night. I had D all day, so W came over after I took D to the doctor. Tonight was supposed to be W's night with D, but I have her instead... Long story.

When W came over, she seemed okay, but wasn't really 'herself'. She just seemed unhappy and quiet. She asked me if I had found somewhere to live yet, to which I replied "not yet", so she seemed a little agitated about that. I told her I could find somewhere else to stay over the next couple of weeks, but she insisted I stay with her because "it makes more sense financially".

We dropped off D's prescription, then went out to dinner. W didn't hardly talk the whole way - I tried to start conversations, but they didn't go anywhere. At dinner she just sat there, looking into space - I asked what the matter was, and she said "It upset me when you said that I didn't have to look after D tomorrow". I thought I had told her that I would watch D if she couldn't get the time off work, but it either came out wrong, or W misinterpreted what I said - She took it at a dig at her capabilities as a mother and that I had a problem being 'burdened' with watching D all the time. I tried to explain to her that I understood she couldn't get time off work as easily as I could, and that I didn't want her job to suffer when D is sick. We sort of skipped over it, but didn't really resolve that whole thing. I told W that we have never once had a disagreement about D, and that

W was still quiet so I just asked "So what is really bothering you". At first she said 'nothing', then she start out with 'I don't trust you. I'm afraid that you're going to try to get back into my life when we live together again". I explained that if I had an alternate arrangement, I would certainly make the most of it. I told her again I would find somewhere else to go, but she said I should stay with her because then I have the time and freedom to find somewhere I really like. We both got pretty upset over dinner, which rolled into the drive home.

1) W said "I know all you want is for the three of us to be together again, but I don't think I can do that anymore"

2) W says she is ruined financially and that she is having a hard time getting back on her feet.

3) W says every day 'hurts' and it takes tremendous energy to get through each one.

4) W is afraid that if we got back together that both she and I would fall back into our old habits and routines. She also says she has a lot of 'hurt' she has to work through and that she needs to do it on her own.

I have no idea what is going on with W right now - She's obviously in a lot of pain and is very confused. On the plus side, she is at least thinking about our R (she brought up lots of really little things that bothered her - Stuff I had difficulty remembering). She pretty much thinks she is a failure at everything and that she can't trust anyone to help her. Also got the usual "I'm worthless" stuff from her.

Tonight was the first night in three months my W left without a kiss, hug or ILY. I did give her a hug before she left, but she wasn't really into it. I told her I was there if she needed me, and she thanked me for taking care of D tonight. I don't think I've seen W cry as much as she did tonight in a very long time. She is obviously in a great deal of pain and is struggling to function normally with day to day things.

W is night and day different to how she was over the weekend. Not really sure how to handle her right now, other than doing nothing. Suggestions?

[Dom R]

sounds like she's stressed over the upcoming new situation between you two.

On the plus side, she is at least thinking about our R (she brought up lots of really little things that bothered her - Stuff I had difficulty remembering).

my advice to you, would be to write down all those little things you have difficulty remembering... and then show her that you can do something about them.

not tell her... but show her, silently.

That might help her to relax a bit, perhaps?

[lizzy]

My advice is to validate her feelings of course. I know you are great at that. Validate her feelings that the old pattern wasn't working and if the two of you try to work things out it is clear that changes will have to happen. It sounds like she is starting to rethink the offer to let you stay w/ her while you are in between places. I'm thinking you might want to look harder for other options. I would hate for this to cause a big backslide for you.

[bhopeful]

I'm still not convinced that you should move in with her. I know that she says that it's alright, but she sounds like she's scared about it at the same time.

It sounds to me like she wants time and space to be able to figure herself out. You help her out with a lot of things and I think that you need to let her have some independence.

Also, you should try really hard to stick to your schedule with D. Stop offering to help her out by taking care of D all the time. If she really needs help with her then your W will ask you. Make yourself available when she needs it, but let her come to you. I think that you've been putting too much pressure on your W lately. It's time to back off a bit. Focus on yourself and addressing the issues that your W brought up. Show her that the changes you have made are permanent. This will take time so you need to be consistent.

Good luck. I know you can do it.

This is all just my opinion, so take it as you will.

Peace,
B