I couldn't just shut off my feelings, but I could vent here and pretend I was 'ok' when I was around W or the Kids. Just focused on being 'perfect' and all the things I needed to be so that we could go through this and hopefully keep the family together.
The OM, the 'I want a divorce', all the pain. Absorb it, keep going. Be strong. That's how I lived my entire life, the abusive childhood, the bad business partners. Absorb it, be strong.
And it worked. It's been about 18 months since we rebuilt our marriage and we're still together. My W has grown immensely, she is past the need to run away, she is strong. I'm proud of her.
She is past the need to 'run away'. Instead they call it "moving forward with your spiritual growth instead of being stifled in a negative relationship because one partner is emotionally 'stuck'".
I will try my best to explain where I am at and how I got here. In my previous thread I talked about how after DB'ing 'worked' I felt kind of lost, drained and empty. I still had an enormous amount of pressure on me because of work that didn't get done while I was not functional. Since my W was 're-integrating' into the family I let her be 'just mom' for a while instead of pushing her to make her massage business work better to help make up for the financials.
A series of really bad business situations killed our cash flow, but I had savings and credit and kept us going. But about a year ago September I just started to find myself mired in anxiety and fear.
I tried to explain to my W how I felt so empty, used up. I told her that before her affair I was already beat (as she knew) and I found myself having to pick myself up somehow in order to heal HER and keep the kids feeling safe. I told her I really needed support and she said she would be 'supportive'.
I had a lot of problems and the daily inability to focus wasn't helping. The anxiety was killing me. I would have a drink in the evenings to calm it down. Eventually that became a problem.
Many months have gone by where I've tried to tell her I really really need her to help me, and why can't she help me but she can help other people? She says she can't because it's too personal.
I can understand that. So her position has been 'suggesting' things to me to try, or if I have a really bad emotional episode, then drink, then feel these incredibly intense anxiety feelings she withdraws.
Of course this is my perspective. Hers is that she has been giving me suggestions but I won't do them, so she is allowing me the time to figure out what I want and how to heal myself.
She says she has 'tried to help'. I made the mistake of saying to her once 'but would you do whatever it takes' and compared the situation to one 25 years ago in which an old girlfriend really kicked my butt and got me to wake up from my wallowing.
So, her 'support' has consisted of 'you better get some help' or 'you need to stop doing this' and similar verbal actions. She kept telling me she made a commitment to staying with me no matter what, and helping me through this emotional mess I was in. She says she has learned her lesson that sometimes relationships are tough and you have to stick through really hard parts because of your commitment. That you can't run away.
Until December. She told me 6 weeks ago that she was having a hard time, that she felt like she wasn't growing, that we were financially unsafe, she couldn't live like this and that she needed to honor her commitment to herself to 'grow spiritually', but it seemed to be in conflict with her commitment to me because I wasn't growing, I was stuck.
I know I wasn't ok, I wasn't being there for her. I was hurt and angry a lot. But I had an expectation that since I had 'fixed' her she should do everything to fix me now.
she went away the first week in December to one of her massage teaching retreats and called me every day, letting me know I was her 'rock', she loved me, she missed me, etc.
She comes back and I'm not in a good place but she needs to ML and we do and it's great. I'm still stuck though.
She and my D17 go away for a week on a trip at the end of December and she calls me every day, tells me she misses me and loves me. I can tell she means it.
I already covered her 'return' in my last thread. She was tired and needy, but then turned to unhappy and needing to 'grow spiritually'.
She's been reading 'Gary Zukav: Soul Stories' which is a very good book. However, one of the chapters deals with 'spiritual Partners'. It's point is that as long as two people are in a relationship and they are both growing as individuals, meaning they are each pursuing their dreams and interests then they are 'spiritual partners'. Sometimes one or the other will get stuck for a while but that's ok. But, if one stays stuck so long that the other can't do the things they need to find their happiness then it's necessary to 'let them go'.
She tells me that now she needs to 'grow her business' and start traveling and teaching. She says she hasn't done either because she was ashamed of what happened with the affair with the guy she met at the retreat and didn't want me to be worried. But now she says she 'feels stifled' and that she has accepted that she may have to let me go so she can do these things.
Basically she has said that she is going to pursue her dreams spiritual growth, and not be concerned about whether or not she is with me, that it's now 'ok for her' to let me go because she's no longer afraid to be on her own. She says she doesn't 'see me changing or us doing this together' but whatever does happen will be a 'bonus'.
She says we are still in a 'relationship' and she doesn't want to divorce or move out or anything. She wants to still sleep together and be affectionate and she'll keep me 'up to date' on her feelings if they change. In other words, limbo.
She is occasionally affectionate, says 'I love you' sometimes. But right now she seems to be in her 'happy fog' where all that matters is the things she's working on doing 'for herself'. I wish she had gotten to this place 3 months ago - but had decided to work WITH me to help me through my stuff.
I was talking to Spitfire today about people who have been in my life, in business and personal, and how everyone looks at me as 'invincible' in some ways. But when I'm not strong, I hide it or if I do share it, the people who I've 'rescued' don't understand. As she said "you rescue these people who never get it".
It's almost always one sided in that when they need you, you'll do whatever research it takes and summon all your strength to find a way to help them.
But, when you need help, you intimidate them so they can't (or won't) do 'whatever it takes'.
In the end, the only one who can 'rescue' you is you. You can reach out for support and help but you're the one who knows how to rescue people in need. Rescue yourself.
Your wife is not that person, she never was."
So, here I am again. I used up what I had and found myself down the hole. I didn't rescue myself and made all the same mistakes. I thought my W would rescue me since I had given her all my strength. I was wrong. She has the strength to take care of herself without running to an OM, but not to take care of me when I am down.
I guess the positive is that her current actions have gotten me to take action and try to find out what is wrong with me.
The thing is I just don't know what to do about her. I don't want to get hurt again, and I realize now that she doesn't need to be rescued this time - I do. It's just hard to decide if I should just end our relationship before she does or I should believe, as Spitfire seems to, that she doesn't really want to leave, she just wants things to change and she sees that her only choice is to work on herself and her own needs.
It seems like the best thing for me to do is put energy into myself, and continue to be kind and loving but keep my expectations for the future in check.
I don't want to put any more 'work' into DB'ing. It's not the problem any more, the problem is me and how I feel.
