Funny that I mentioned the other half of ILY unsaid.
The other night we argued again. Started off with minor household things. Eventually it got to R again. We have not had a R talk for almost two months because if I didn't ask, he wouldn't tell. Anyway, R talk started. When I asked if there has been any contact, he said he has not contacted her for a few weeks, being very vague, and slow, which indicated lying. I pushed, and he got even more vague. I think she called/emailed and he responded. I said I mean it by no contact. He is hurting me everyday that he continues contact. We argued over thsi for a while. At teh end, what I got is that he will always respond if she contacts him. He has done too much damage to her to stop that. and he is the type who always respond regardless of whom. (which he is).
I got very sad, I told him again that this is still a 3 person R and I don't know how long I can live like this. It got bad and he got really mad. He accused me of telling his friends that I hate the move (which I do, who won't hate moving after re-uniting with family/friends after half a year and got yanked to a place with no one I know). He said I should "act" in front of other people. I told him I cannot. I am not a good liar like him. More accusing from him, like I asked him about his secretary and he said it's because I am suspucious. I told him no. I am just chit-chatting. Come ot think of it, he is reflecting his own guilt of contact with OW and other history with OW and he is taking that out on me, accusing me of everything. He said the A is over and final and he is here, with me. Basically saying I cannot ask for no contact because he already did what he can do. I will have to deal with my own emotions. To me, this really hurts because he is not willing to be open and spend some effort to ease my pain, while he is spending effort to ease Ow's pain.
I mean it when I told him I don't know if I can last much longer. He did say something good in that now that I have moved, I need to make the best out of it. Which is true. I just have this fear that with this contact on, eventually I will move on.
Then the next day, I am acting cold. What more can I say if anything I ask is critized at some point and he is not ready to deal with my pain. But he was acting very nice to me. I was distant as I cannot deal with him now. Then at night, he hugged me and said "ILY". I said, "You don't have ot tell me that because I know there is the other half unsaid." (which is the I love her also). He immediately said, "No, that's not true". I have no way to tell if he really means it or just lying to me again. But it was nice to see that he is making yet another effort to make me feel good.
Basically, these past few months, I think we are still stuck in teh same situation. He won't stop contact (no matter how little there is, but OW is willing to take crumbs from him and he is letting her). I am flip-flopping between waiting it out and slowly moving away from loving him. I talked to a friend and she said I really need to wait it out becuase this is MLC. I tend to agree. But I think I will have to kick start GAL and getting my life in order with a new life here in a foreign land.
My question to you and myself is, how should I behave now? He wants me to not ask any questions about anything (work, family, OW or not). He does tell me stuff. How do I react if I can only listen and not allowed to ask (i.e. one way converstaion). On the other hand, I am supposed to tell him stuff about my life without him asking. And I don't like this one way convo from me either. I want the Q&A session type conversation. "How are you?" "I went to the post office today and saw an old man". "So what's so special about that?" type convo. Should I do it his way? It is difficult for me because I never know which questions are off limit ot ask. I will have to stop asking him about anything which may seem very cold.
I know this is not easy to understand. I just feel like I don't know how to behave around him anymore as nothing is good for him unless I pretend OW is not there and pretend everything is OK, and hide my feelings even when I am sad (because he does nto want to see it). To me, that's not a real relationship. That's acting. And I don't want to live like that.
