I have not been this site in a really long time. My H goes to Mass with us on Sundays (but I think only because he has our son Saturday nights.) He meets our daughter and I at Church. I doubt he would if he didn't have our son because he knows it's important to me that our kids go to Mass.
He comes around for Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., but only to be near the kids. I don't think he is ever going to give up the OW. She is 27 now, I think. She was 24 when she started calling my house.
Lately I have been feeling like he is just using me so that he can have more time with our kids, like he is leading a double life.
Our kids have never met the OW and our son doesn't know she exists. I think he might be afraid to tell him because it darn-near cost him his relationship with our daughter. Since she is older she was quick to figure out there was a third party involved, particularly since the OW called every 20 minutes when my H had our kids, in the beginning when he first left. It was as though in her immaturity she WANTED our kids to know of her existence.
Is there still hope? Seriously. And please understand, I am not looking for the typical, "There's always hope." I just want to know REALLY, because at this point I don't think he is ever coming back.
But your son doesn't know, and your children have not yet met her. Whatever reason they have not been introduced, it still comes down to a very important part of his life, the children, have no part of his life with her. I do not imagine that is a good sign for their relationship.
3 years, don't know about your background, but if you feel like he is using you are you in a place to let him know that and...I am figuring that you aren't about to tolerate it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I've got a new headset but didn't want to leave a v-mail because my Dad wasn't sure which way was mute and which wasn't. I'll try agian tomorrow on my commute...and perhaps tonight. We can test the headset. But since you've had a few major events in the last couple of days, you will need to refresh my memory.
Sweetheart is working all evenings this week...I get on the stair machine around 6:15 and am on it twice--off at 8 or 8:30 most nights. But if you would like make a time to call I can arrange to not stair step--or I can wait 'til later. My Dad was visiting yesterday...so sorry.
I hear you. This spring will be 3 years since the time when my H met the ow, too. Although in my case, as far as I've known for a while now, he hasn't been with her. I mean, any one of us can tell you what you already know: anything could change or happen. If you are at "that point" and you want to do something one way or the other, perhaps a talk with your H about your marital status is in order? I guess if I were you and in that position, knowing he's still with the same ow, I might have that talk.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks; I am reluctant to ask because I am afraid of putting him on the spot (gosh that sounds stupid). I guess I feel like if we talk about the "white elephant" it will become more of a reality and he will choose her. Like, since we are talking about it, that makes it okay; will take the pressure off him so he can decide to stay with her. I think he pretends she is not in the picture. Maybe he's afraid if it all comes out in the open I'll turn the kids against him. Who knows?
Thanks, and thanks Jack and K-R. Jack, your reply was the shot-in-the-arm I needed. K-R, I'll call you on my way home from work.
What could you do that might shake him up a bit? I mean, right now does he think he would always have you to fall back on if things didn't work out with Little Miss Insecurity? What if he thought you were out there dating and having a great time without him (not implying that you SHOULD date, but let him wonder about it?). Are you doing anything new and exciting that might make him think "gee, I wish I was doing that with her"? (I'm thinking about Althea and her scuba diving here )
It's kind of weird; he is curious about what I am doing (or can be) at times and sometimes not. I sometimes think that he doesn't want me, but he also doesn't want me NOT wanting him.
I also get a sense that if I were to start dating, he would think that it's okay (for both of us to date), and maybe then he would consider introducing our kids to the OW.
He sometimes tends to follow my lead. As an example, going to Church with the kids. The priest recently asked the congregation the following question: If I were to visit your home, would I know you are a Catholic? Are there any visible signs?
Well, there are in my house. I have a small corner coffee table with a Bible and a few other religious objects (one of the objects is a statue of Mary I painted at a carnival with our kids). Well, later he mentioned to me about the priest's question, and mentoned HIS nightstand; on his nightstand is a crucifix the kids and I gave him. The wood is from the Holy Land. There is also a Bible he "won" when he was a child for memorizing a Bible verse in a Bible Study class.
He is Catholic but wasn't raised in the faith, like I was. I think he likes the way I try to instill that in our children; having faith in God, and loving Him. It makes me think he appreciates me instilling it in our kids because he didn't have that as a child.
As I am typing this, I am reminded that from what I have read, a person is most likely to have a MLC if they have gone though things as a child that they never dealt with. Both of his parents were divorced three times a piece. (His parents were teenagers when they got married.) My parents were not perfect, but they stayed together for 46 years, until my Father's passing.
Thanks for reminding me to get back out there and do things that are fun without him, so I don't appear as though I am sitting aroung waiting. And waiting.
To this day, I remain close to my ex-wife. It is because we have two sons. She is with someone else, but the closeness is good for our sons. I am not waiting for anything and I am open to meeting someone new for me. I just live my life (a pretty quiet one) and am very happy on my own.
Since you brought up waiting (which you must be doing to have phrased it as you did). Here is a book idea for you.
Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting: The Astonidshing Power Of Feelings by Lynn Grabhorn.
Live your life. Don't wait for the life you think you want.
Thanks for the suggestion. I'll pick up the book and add it to my repertoire. I'm laughing because I have purchased so MANY books (like most of us) on MLC, communication skills, winning back your husband, the Power of a Praying Wife,etc., although I probably haven't purchased anything within the last year.
I do have a problem with detaching. We still do things as a family from time to time, and it feels "right" (e.g., joking around, etc.). I guess I have a hard time accepting the fact that he might actually divorce me.
I give you a ton of credit (and many others here) because you are in the position where you must remain in contact with your H due to the children. I don't have children, so I do not have to face this with my H. To co-parent and remain detached is probably the neatest trick in the LBS's bag. I honestly don't think I could "break away emotionally" so to speak, if I had to see my H constantly with our kids. Definitely keep on reading! lol! I still pull out many from my literary arsenal!! Good luck to you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
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