Starting to get it...

[Dom R]

The last thing i want to do is lie to him, so i end up playing silly games of avoidance or rewording stuff. I'll try to think of things i can tell him to actually do, but I just don't know what they are. I'm not happy with where we are at because 1) i'm not in love with/attracted to him (don't know that there is anything i can tell him on that one)

....
3) because he doesn't seem to do anything to work on our M. There are other little things, but these are the big ones. (ummm, read a book, go to MC with me, go to IC for you... etc. he doesn't like those ideas)

men hate MC
men hate IC
men hate "reading relationship books".

All those are "things to go read/talk/communicate", not "things to do", in man-speak.

Give him something to DO !


As far as not feeling love towards him... yes, there are things you can tell him on that.

Figure out what would make you feel loved by him, and then ask him to do it.

To that end:
I'd suggest go read "the five love languages", or "fall in love, stay in love", with a view to what makes YOU happy.
Once you get a better idea of yourself... then share it with your H


Basically, sounds like you have the classic female job of a "relationship interpreter".

First, you figure out what is missing in your relationship. That's your job, and your job alone, at this point. Your husband doesnt speak "relationship".
Then, put it into words that he can understand

[ann25]

I'm an ungrateful SOB, cause I didin't appreciate the microwave.

That's like buying a woman a vaccum cleaner or a washing machine... LOL... how dare you not appreciate that...

I've been actually wanting to buy him something that i can't find. Maybe I'll order it online and then it will just come to him out of the blue one day.

[Atlas]

Exactly,

I have thrown it back a few times. Such a role reversal. So funny. Lol!

[ann25]

men hate MC
men hate IC
men hate "reading relationship books".

All those are "things to go read/talk/communicate", not "things to do", in man-speak.

Give him something to DO !

Don't i know it. I know he hates those things, that's why I don't bring them up anymore.

I need a "man-speak" dictionary... please.

What can he do. The dishes, change a diaper, fold laundry, go to sleep at a decent time of night, wake up while it's still morning, be more patient with his daughters, give them a bath. These are all things I've asked him to do over and over again. There is always an excuse. I'm sure he doesn't see how that could help the R. It probably wouldn't directly, but it would show me that he cares about his family and that he is willing to help me out and be a husband and father. Other than that kind of stuff, i don't know what to tell him.

As far as not feeling love towards him... yes, there are things you can tell him on that.

Figure out what would make you feel loved by him, and then ask him to do it.

To that end:
I'd suggest go read "the five love languages", or "fall in love, stay in love", with a view to what makes YOU happy.
Once you get a better idea of yourself... then share it with your H

Oh... you mean i actually have to know what i want. I think It's just hard to pin point what it is that's missing. I have a hard time even understanding, much less explaining how i'm feeling. It's almost like when you are getting ready to leave for a trip and you know you are forgetting something, but you don't know what it is then you are half way where you are going and you realize you forgot the directions. I feel like i know somethings missing, i'm not sure exactly what it is, but its missing. Eventually i'm going to figure it out, but until then, i feel like i don't know where i'm going. Maybe, because i'm fluent in "women speak" the 5LL book will help me...

I've got this whole list of books to read. 5LL is on it. working my way to that point. At this point, anyone have an opinion as to which would be more beneficial to read first: 5LL or men are from mars? I've got both and am almost done reading the one i'm on now.

Basically, sounds like you have the classic female job of a "relationship interpreter".

I don't recall ever filling out an application for relationship interpreter... hehe. I get that though. I think he's just as lost as I am. I say "ok what can i do" and end up with not a whole lot and he says, "i don't know, W, what can i do"... now if only I knew.

Thanks Dom...

[Dom R]

I've got this whole list of books to read. 5LL is on it. working my way to that point. At this point, anyone have an opinion as to which would be more beneficial to read first: 5LL or men are from mars? I've got both and am almost done reading the one i'm on now.

you need to figure out yourself, and what you want, before you can figure out your husband.

5LL will help with understanding what you want better.
The other book, wont, I'm guessing.
(I havent read it: however, the whole title premise would seem to be, "women are like _this_". Which you may or may not completely match. Whereas 5LL is more like, "ALL people may have some, or all, of these qualities... See which ones are most like you individually")

"Fall in love, stay in love" (and their site, marriagebuilders.com) have detailed questionaires, to help you figure out in even more detail, what kind of love building actions appeal to you most.

[Dom R]

PS; ....

What can he do. The dishes, change a diaper, fold laundry, go to sleep at a decent time of night, wake up while it's still morning, be more patient with his daughters, give them a bath.

You're probably going to have a whole lot more luck getting him to do the non-"baby" stuff, than "go bathe/change poopy babies".

your "easy" targets, will probably be dishes and laundry.

[ann25]

Thanks Dom. I'll probably read the 5LL first. Seems like i ned to know what i want/need before anything else is really going to make any difference.

I know that doing the non baby stuff would be fine with me, but his babies are the ones hurting from his lack of attention. D3 on the way to work this morning. "mommy, i miss having my daddy love me" i almost cried... she was sooo sad. I just told her daddy hasn't been feeling well. If he didn't want them or the responsiblity, he shouldn't have applied for the job. Sorry bout that... mini vent.

It's funny. For the first time in about 6 months, i finally got him to take out the trash. Where we live, we have big trashcans and have to walk them to a dumpster, i'd ask and ask and then i'd just go do it. The last month or so, he has been. I thank him every time. I really do appreciate it. maybe i could get him to feed the dog next...

I don't even mind so much his not helping me, it when he gets mad that not everything is done to his standards (which seem near impossible to me). I think it would have to be easier to help though, than to lower your standard of how you want to live. i dunno.

[Dom R]

I know that doing the non baby stuff would be fine with me, but his babies are the ones hurting from his lack of attention.

So... suggest that he give them attention in other ways... and think about SPECIFIC ways, that he might do that.

the average man has no idea what to do with something under 5 years old.

and if the "something" is female... well, then we're probably lost no matter what the age

What's going on with him and your daughter? What did he used to do, that he doenst any more, that she misses?
(give *specifics*, not generalities, please )
And why isnt he?

It's funny. For the first time in about 6 months, i finally got him to take out the trash. Where we live, we have big trashcans and have to walk them to a dumpster, i'd ask and ask and then i'd just go do it. The last month or so, he has been. I thank him every time. I really do appreciate it.

well that sounds really nice then. both what he's doing, and you thanking him for it.

[ann25]

She's only 3 and a half. This started when she was 2. He just used to be a more loving person in general. He used to want to spend time with us, even if he didn't have the time to spend, you could tell. At first, even when he started acting differenly towards me, he was fine with her (then them) but he slowly started pulling away from all of us more and more.

Now he has good weeks it seems and bad. Sometimes he will be really good with them (playing) for a couple days and then a week or so with nothing... so now, he's does with them like he does for me, he feels bad and he buys stuff. My girls have more toys then they could possibly ever play with, but they miss their daddy. i can understand why he buys things, they are too little. It's just mostly simply spending time with them. Sitting and helping them color a picture, helping them build a lego house, watching a silly cartoon with them sitting on your lap. They need that stuff. I also think a big part of it is that he is just bitter a lot of the time. His behavior is really inconsistant a lot of times depending on his mood.

Also, she's 3 and she is my little drama queen. I'm sure she just meant that she want him to play with her more and not just love her, but she's litte. playing with her means you love her.

i'll take anything i can get from him at this point. Trash is a god thing.

[ann25]

WOW - i do a lot of whining here... i was just doing some reading back and i think that from the start of this i have some amazing things to be grateful for:

- H has started taking out the trash and has made a few attemps to help me clean
- H has been asking less and less often about OM in the last couple weeks
- H is trusting me more now than he has at anytime in the last year and a half of our M (thank you for pointing that out DomR)
- i've taken responsibility for EA best way i know how and I feel like I'm doing everything i can to show H I'm being faithful and honest
- been trying to stop feeling guilty when H makes his comments and says things that have previously made me feel bad
- I'm happier overall because i'm focusing on things i can do and trying not to stress and get mad about Hs actions and words
- have stood up for myself and not let H attack me
- I have gotten more organized
- i've been more sexually open with H and in turn, H doesn't respond as upset when I tell him i don't like the groping and grabbing.
- I have read about relationships and gotten some invaluable insight and advice here.

I need to focus on these things and keep working. I'm sure there are more, but for now, it's a start!

Thanks everybody