In all honsesty, I believe you're justifying your own behaviors and keeping score with W. If you really don't like this situation and don't want to go through this stuff in an attempt to save the M (i.e. thinking she should file if she's going to do these things you've mentioned), then you should file. If you do confront her, like TB said -- you will most likely only push her further away (i.e. she will rebel against you more) and surely ruin any chance of reconciliation.
JM makes a good point too (as always), and his advice and pov are always invaluable.
I repeat everything I said in my last post, as well.
And don't act on your emotions alone, brotha. Use a large dose of reason with them.
Just_Me - Nope. She has no interest in working on the marriage.
I called her and told her I couldn't meet with her today. Only because I want to be in a stronger and more confident place when I talk to her about the papers and stuff.
...problem is, she didn't get the message. Crap. In fact, I was just writing this post about how I had left the message for her when she knocked on the door.
And when she was at the door, I guess I sort of decided to rip the band-aid off.
I wanted to talk to her about when she's going to get around to filing.
It was a conversation. We didn't really fight, but she's as done as done can be with this marriage.
I also stayed away from accusations, for the large part. I did tell her that I felt she was showing a large lack of respect for me in all of this, by acting single yet not having taken any formal steps towards ending our marriage.
A few highlights:
Quote:
Her: "I'm at a place where I'm ready to move on - and put a profile on match.com, and apparently you were two months ago."
Me: "I set up a profile out of frustration of my wife cheating on my with a friend."
Her: "I didn't cheat. We weren't married."
Me: "Yes, we were. You and I have seem to have rather different views on marriage, though."
And:
Quote:
Her: "I felt the marriage was over in the eyes of God, because my heart had moved on."
Me: "If you want to get into a theologial debate on marriage..."
Her, cutting me off: "I don't want to get into a theological debate."
Judgment Alert!
Talk about a weak-ass argument. From a Christian woman, raised by two ministers, who took a vow before God to make the marriage work "for better or worse" and all that.
I didn't let any anger get the better of me. I said everyting calmly.
As for the paperwork... She basically said: "I'm working on it, but I've got other stuff going on so I'll finish it when I have spare time."
Me: "I'd appreciate if you did that as quickly as possible"
Her: "That's not something I'm willing to do, I'll take care of it when I can."
...So basically what it comes down to is "Yeah, our marriage is over because I said it was, but I'll get to the legal stuff when I feel like it."
Damn, she's frustrating.
I got her keys back. She said she'd want to make a last sweep of the place before we finalized things. I told her we'd "arrange soemthing." Then I asked for the keys back.
She also asked to come in and look for the iPod she was taking - since she couldn't find it at her place. I told her "I'd prefer you didn't."
I agreed to look for it, for her - but I feel I made it clear she was not welcome just to poke around the apartment.
I didn't expect to have that conversation tonight, really, but it's made things even clearer to me that I've been something of a fool to think she respected our marriage, or the entire institution of it, at all.
What would happen if you beat her to the punch in filing a D? I have just filed for D and right now I am noticing huge hesitation and feelings of losing control on my W's part.
Here is a hypothetical.. You say your W was raised by two ministers. Are they still around? Do they know of their daughters M problem? If they dont, then when you file a D, I would imagine your W would contact them to tell them you are divorcing her. They would probably get in touch with you to talk you out of it. You could explain your situation and they could help in an intervention.
Oh, W's parents both know we're getting D'ed. They're both completely OK with it, too, because I've been painted as a horrible, controlling, abusive monster. And she did nothing wrong...
But I've considered filing myself. I need to chew on that one for a bit, though.
I just realized I have to work with her tomorrow. And seeing as Tuesdays are pretty much structured so there'll be at least 2 hours of us being in the same room, that'll be a blast.
I guess I'm hurt and offended at just how easily she dismissed our relationship. I'm not saying that her decision to leave was easy. But I'm having trouble comprehending how she thinks she's single.
Chin up. I totally agree with you in that if you are married you should hold off on dating or at least living it up like you are single, but I guess if any of our mates thought that we would not be on this board. I myself have been very leary about dating, hell I don't even want to have male friends over because it seems disrespectful considering my H is still paying all the bills. According to my good friend if you are seperated then that all bets are off and you should be able to do what you want. Here is what I think- just cuz your wife is compromising morals and ethics does not mean you have to. Let her date and live like she is single. Sucks and I know it will be hard to do, but saying anything to her will just be dissapointing. Does not look llke she is ready to change. Your wife is still pretty young. Give her some space and GAL for yourself. I would not push the D thing for now. Can you work another job where you don'thave to see her? I think going dark now would be your best option. Is there anyway you can avoid seeing her at work?
I guess I'm hurt and offended at just how easily she dismissed our relationship. I'm not saying that her decision to leave was easy. But I'm having trouble comprehending how she thinks she's single.
Psychological studies have shown that when it comes down to a tough decision between morals vs behaviour: people these days are more willing to change their morals to match their behaviour, than change their behaviour to be in line with their morals.
Rather than change her behaviour to fit in line with marriage... your wife decided to change her definition of marriage to fit her behaviour.
Last edited by Dom R; 01/08/0807:07 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom - I'd certainly say that my W has changed her morals to fit her behavior. I'm trying my damndest to hold onto my morals right now. Not only the not dating, but also not being an a$$ to her about the way she's acting right now.
hope2wrkitout --
I have no option right now of avoiding her at work, unfortunately. Once I start school again, I'm going to drop Tuesdays (assuming I can) so I don't have to see her. I'm probably only going to manage to be civil today through a great deal of self-control. I possess it, it's just draining. Working with her is like running a laptop on batteries with it's screen all the way to bright and a DVD in the drive - it takes alot out of that battery.
I just feel this...childish urge...to refer to her in person not by her name but idiotic stuff like "Cheap'n'easy" or, from Scrubs "pig-whore". Of course these would make me look bad, and it'd be immature, so I'm not going to go that route...but it's a difficult thing to hold onto "being the bigger person" when you've been hurt in various ways and all you want to do is cut back.
But I'm going to not see her as much as possible today. Even if I can't avoid this job, I can make the contact between her and I minimal.
That statement about hanging on to your morals is so true. hang on to them, don't bring your self down to her level
I have been trying my hardest to keep my morals with my h. Does he deserve them, no. But i just feel that i cannot just shut off the feeling that everyone deserves a gift or a card for their birthday, or other special occasion. And i believe in giving rather that receiving at chirstmas. (as you know with me) I still have not gotten a gift from h and don't want one, its not the gift i want from him its a second thought gift. So i know how you feel. I still felt in my heart that it was a good thing to give him something to let him know i did care. Nothing expensive or fancy. I would not personally go over $50. and i did not.
Just keep telling yourself you are better, i am strong, I am creative i am me, a good person! Is it hard, yes but do it. I keep trying to say this to myself at least once a day. Is it helping I'm not sure, but i was a new years resolution, so I have to give it a try.
I also understand the inability to avoid each other with the work issue. My H and I jobs are intertwined like string. H is management in the EMS field, I am an administrative assistant in the EMS field. So i know all about his job, he know little about what i do, but comes to me with questions and problems. (we now use the same software for scheduling) In fact h was working the streets, i turned the dispatch radio off the first time i heard him. I know its draining, just keep busy doing your work. If you have a slow point (don't know what you do) can you listen to ipod or mp3? Look busy at all times.
In fact yesterday, h was very chatty on the phone, he called me, i had to end the conversation, by saying, oh something just broke downstairs, sounds like glass, I have to go. I would avoid him more if he did not call on my direct number, and use my cell i would not answer it.
I agree it has to be hard working together. I don't know how strong i would be, but you are doing it. Keep you chin up. Your a good person MMan.
check back later, bear
Last edited by phbear316; 01/08/0811:18 PM.
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
I hear you on the gift thing. W and I exchanged Christmas gifts. I don't think I'm gonna be getting a birthday present from her (whoo. I'm 26, now. Jan 9th.). heh.
And...it's nice to know that someone here can empathize on the having to work with the spouse thing. I managed to avoid her a lot today - except for dinner. We work with children, and every Tuesday we take the kids out for dinner (like, noodles and company, wendy's, subway, etc). The kid I work with wants to be w/ his brothers, so I can't just split off entirely.
I just got an 80 gig iPod Classic and ripped some DVDs, so I can at least use that to ignore W and B - while still paying attention to the kid when I need to.
Your situation sounds pretty uncomfortable, too.
I'm taking the advice you give though and trying to keep my chin up - and repeat to myself I'm a good person, likeable, strong as I can be right now, and I have a good idea of who I am and what my values are.
Now all I have to do is work through the pain of my wife actively looking for dates. Shouldn't be a problem (sarcasm on the last! Oye.)
On a side note: How many of our situations do you think make bad soap-opera material here? I think my life these past few months would actually be rejected for being too absurd.
