emotionally detaching myself and i don't want to

[nwlywed]

you see, here's the thing too, nwlywed, i am one of those people (sometimes i think we are rare) who, even though i have imperfections, i am not ashamed of my body. i'm not. that's not to say that i am a stripper (never been) or that i wear inappropriately small garments (sexy but not trashy). and i am only nude in front of H. so, now i started wearing a robe all the time and shutting the door when i shower. that way he won't see me. like maybe he sees me too much. (once he made a comment that he had never seen anyone naked so much in his whole life.) he has picked up on the fact that the door is closed and i put on my robe really quickly. he even asked my why i am covering up. i just said i didn't want to be naked in front of him. it doesn't make a difference if he sees me naked. i just have a body. just like everybody else. like a statue of a naked woman is beautiful but you don't want to ML with it. so if my body has no effect, then why show it?

I cant even wrap my head around that.. Id love to see my W naked as much as possible. But shes done the same thing and I cant figure out why. I'll send her an e-mail and try and be flirty and tell her how hot and sexy she looked this morning in her thong and bra.. But then the next day shes all wrapped up in a bathrobe and gets dressed in the closet.

this am (icing for the cake) he tells me that he loves me. i tell him that i love him too. he said (God, i hate this) yeah, but you don't want to be married to me. (which is not true. if i didn't want to, i would have left a long time ago. being a woman i know this was fishing for a compliment.)

I dont think it was fishing for a compliment. I think he was trying to get the truth out of you. Or setting you up.

i said that's not true and you know it. he said now you're going to have to prove it to me. i said, don't turn this into a game. i hate mind games, they are always cruel and no one wins, ever. he said that wasn't a game. so i said if he is going to play that game then how about you prove to me you love me? he asks how? (really, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.) he says, i tell you all the time. i said, yeah but you don't show me. he asks how to do that. i said ML to me. show me you love me. of course, it didn't happen. i didn't expect it to anyway. so i said, i can't prove it to you. you have to choose to believe me. i haven't proven it so far, how can i now? i was by his side supporting him and his son while he didn't have a job, i fed him, if that doesn't prove it, then what the heck will?????

truth is, i am tired of it. but not tired enough to leave. i don't want to break our family apart. i believe that every M can work. i believe that ours can too. it may not look like i had dreamed or hoped or desired. but i think that can be overcome. i just felt alone and rejected over and over. the rejection is what is killing me.

Yea rejection sucks. Especially from someone that is supposed to love you. It killed my self esteem for a while and made me depressed.. but I finally pulled myself out of it. You have to do things for YOU. Make yourself happy first. If he wants to come along for the ride thats ok. but theres no sense in both of you being unhappy. Make yourself happy first. Youre responsible for your own happiness. My eureka moment was when I thought about my life before my W. I dated frequently, i had a lot of female friends, I had LOTS of sex, I enjoyed working out and I had a positive attitude. I was sad sometimes because I felt like I didnt have a W to share things in. That I didnt truly have a close relationship with someone, that I didnt feel loved. BUT being in this relationhip hasnt made me feel loved either, at least not in the past 8-9 months. I will be ok without her if thats my path. I was ok before and I will survive and be ok again.

i always thought that, like my parents, love would conquer all. i also thought that H would care about me and my feelings like i care about his. now, instead of romantic love feeling like the strongest thing on earth, it seems like love for your children is stronger. maybe it always has been and i was/am a silly little girl who wanted to live a fairy tale.

I think we all want the fairy tale. The W and I used to look at each other with stars in our eyes and talk that very thing. How we were going to be the Happily Ever After couple and how perfect our love was. Truth is, people change, resentments, anger and sarcasm poisoned our realtionship. I dont know about you - but I feel like she and I had such a build up in the beginning of how great it was going to be that once reality set in it all came crashing down.