I know I have to be very careful and it's really hard because the little darling is the one getting the unconditional love, and I get kicked in the teeth.
Kimmie..to what extent do you believe that your husband feels guilt over not being in his D life? This may be why his defenses are so high. Also, after 12 yrs of marriage there must have been other contributing factors in your R that produced his overnight deparature...can you give us more info?
Bears is right...especially if your H is feeling guilt about his D, he will naturally feel he has to chose and to preserve his relationship with his D when she may be experiencing symptoms comparable to his own (genetic guilt)?
mcol, you have hit the nail on the head. My H does feel incredible guilt that he "let D17 down". But H doesn't give himself enough credit for being a good dad. H always paid his support on time, travel expenses to and from out-of-state mom's house, took D17 on great vacations every summer, etc, etc...
But! When H got sole custody of D17 when she was 12y/o, the trouble started. D17 loved her dad when he was the good time-see-you-next-summer dad, but she chafed at discipline from him, was disrespectful, played us against one another, and just wanted to go back to her mom's.
It was a nightmare with probs at school, self-defeating rebellion, and all the other stuff teens go through. D17 finally ran away, so we sent her back to her mom's, at her request. We just wanted her to be safe, stay in school and be happy. But she came back here to visit friends, then she went back to her mom's, dropped out of school in her senior year, came back up here to hang with friends, and here we are. Whew!
H says he just wants to get her on her feet, and I am supportive of that, but I don't see why we have to divorce over this. H probably thinks we have to because D17 focuses all her anger on me. I am a convenient target as the wicked step-mom.
Kimmie Lee, Hi me again, grid. gee guess I should have re-read my last post before hitting submit. I attempted to post, @ cafe let H take lead on conversation not R !!!! GRRRR. For me I have been doing as you are, bite tongue and try to act very happy, day couldn't be better. Actually have been at this long enough can tell it is starting to spike my H's curiousity. (for real, just hung up phone from him Calling Me) He is sorta confused as to why I am so content with everything, etc. Not overly happy just ok with things. You might want to borrow from the library a book I am reading. The author has exercises/experiements for you to do on paper. to be honest you really need to do the paper work if you get the book. It is all a building block concept book. here is the title and check it out. I know it is helping me to answer a lot of questions and now what I do with those answers is up to me. Title: How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together Author: Susan Page hope this helps. Believe me, we all understand your confussion, pain, hope and hurt. grid, lost
Thanks grid, I knew what you meant. And I'll try to find that book. I've been able to find the DB and DR books in used condition on Amazon too. Those are on my nightstand, and have gotten me through more than one rough night.
Kimmie! I know just how you feel. I get super nervous, too, when I have an appointment with my wife.
Keep cool! It's just breakfast. Doesn't need to be a momentous occasion. Just one breakfast. Relax. Smile. Be pleasant. Above all, be pleasant.
you can do this.
Quote:
I've changed my mind and I don't feel like talking to him at all now. It seems too much like ass-kissing and I am not the one who's done anything wrong. He's a cold sob who doesn't deserve to be catered to by me.
About your doubts - why should you be the one to take the first step? - we've all asked those questions of ourselves. The truth is, it doesn't have to be you. But, it could be you. It depends on what you want. The way I look at it, if you want your marriage, you should be prepared to fight for it.
Your marriage is a privilege, and you may have to work to save it. There's no guarantee, but if you want it, you'll have to do something about it. Put an effort in. Swallow pride. Endure abuse and unfair treatment. Not forever of course. That's not a marriage worth saving. But for a time, you may have to endure hardship. Prepare yourself for it!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Tonight a friend of mine told me he has this habit of fantasizing as he goes to sleep. NOT sex fantasies. Just happy fantasies, as he drifts off, and it almost always insures happy dreams. Like he dreams of driving a Porsche. Or of scoring a winning goal in a soccer game. Or of fly fishing in a beautiful flowing river.
I'm gonna try that. The other night as I was getting ready for bed, I did this. I thought of a future where the one closest to me, truly loved me, wanted to hug me and care for me and forgive me and redeem me. As I slept I dreamt of smiling people who cared for me. It was warm there. I can use more of that kind of dream. I know it is in my future, I just don't know how far. and who it will be. I hope, I pray that it will be my wife.
best to you!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I'll be thinking of you during breakfast. Let us know how it goes.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
It went ok, we made very small talk. I had brought our little dog with me so he could see him and he took him for a little walk in the parking lot before going in to breakfast.
I noticed H wasn't wearing his WR, but I was. No R talk until the end when he mentioned that my mom didn't seem to happy to see him last week. I said, "Well, what do you expect? Mom was with me when I came home that night". Then I quickly added, "She'll be ok. She loves you, she told me". He kind of grimaced, but I didn't really know what else to say. We parted with "Have a good one", no hug, no ILY.
Telling him about your mom's feelings - That doesn't seem too over the line. But I would maybe hold back on that stuff, any further.
I remember when we first started parting with no hug, no ILY. It hurt. How to make it stop hurting? Don't expect it! Change your mind! Be happy regardless! He'll notice that MORE.
My W's "explanation" for why she had an affair was that I was never happy. No, not SHE was never happy. Her observation was that I was never happy. So that was her "excuse" to go have an affair. Lately she has asked me, "Why are you so happy all the time?" Curious. (Her excuse has now changed to You neverseemedhappy.)
Why does she perceive me to be happy? Because I am making a conscious effort. I am finding joy in the things I do and I am doing the things that bring me joy. Even if what I had expected before is no longer available to me (ILY, or a simple kiss goodbye) I can still find joy and contentment in other things.
Give that gift to yourself.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
My W's "explanation" for why she had an affair was that I was never happy. No, not SHE was never happy. Her observation was that I was never happy. So that was her "excuse" to go have an affair. Lately she has asked me, "Why are you so happy all the time?" Curious. (Her excuse has now changed to You neverseemedhappy.)
Why does she perceive me to be happy? Because I am making a conscious effort. I am finding joy in the things I do and I am doing the things that bring me joy. Even if what I had expected before is no longer available to me (ILY, or a simple kiss goodbye) I can still find joy and contentment in other things.
Give that gift to yourself.
Thanks Sir. I try so hard to be happy and it's not easy.
My H complimeneted me on my hair more than once and commented that I looked "dressed up". I'm wondering if I was too obvious. I told him that I was going to a friend's house after breakfast and left it at that.
He does realize that I have no need to GAL, because I already have one. I am a very sociable person with good friends and a very warm, nurturing family. He, by contrast, does not have the social network that I do and would prefer work every day including holidays. Maybe he's avoiding real relationships or something. I dunno.
Gee....should I do a 180 and break up with my friends and fam? Would that get any positive attention from him?
