Starting to get it...

[transformer]

Ann!!

Yes, yes, get SSM as soon as you can! It is so, so, so helpful. I really feel like if I had gotten that info earlier I would not even be on the DB'ing board. Even if you have to read it secretly or something. It is so worth it!

It's funny that you wish you had more time to read... I wish I was in contact with my man!!! So we both have things that the other one wants. :-) Well, I wish I could give you a "brain transfusion" of everything I've been learning from my ridiculously long reading list!!

If you ever do feel like showing him something you're reading, the guide to getting it on is the most lighthearted and good hearted thing I've ever read about sex, and it's very welcoming and share-able. Kind of addictive, too. Especially if presented in the context of, "I am interested in making things better" as opposed to "you need to be trained as a lover, H!"

I am glad he apologized to you. Could you let it slide and tell yourself "he must just be teething?" or something? I know it's hard.

This might have nothing to do with your stich at all, but sometimes it helps me to think of sex as not just intercourse, but everything else.... if the intercourse part is not fun, are there other things that you can share together that are fun that might lead to Os? You have probably already thought about this--just throwing it out there. I also read (I am so funny, you are right, I read so much) in "couple burnout" that the #1 cause of sexual boredom is only having intercourse as opposed to everything else.

Sorry your H was grumpy, hang in there ann!!

*transformer*

[ann25]

Hey there everybody.

So, H decided to stay up all night and basically sleep all day both weekend days. Not sure why he does this, but whatever. Sunday, i decided that I'd spend some time doing the extra stuff that he has been complaining about lately. So i cleaned and hung out with the little ones.

at one point, the girls were standing in my bedroom just staring at him. They miss him when he does that crap. anyways. he got up at about 4pm. Left to go get a haircut and then came back. D1 was practically attached at the hip once he got back. While he was gone, i took some extra time to get ready, so i'd look nice cause he wanted to go out after he got home. He didn't notice the effort, but i felt better, so i guess that is all that really matters. He asked what was up with the baby and I told him that they miss him. They hadn't seen him all day except earlier and I told him how they were watching him sleep. I think he felt really bad. I told him what i had been doing all day and how the day had gone.

Something i've noticed about my H - when he feels bad, he wants me to buy things. Last night, we were out, doing some shopping and he was feeling bad about sleeping all day and kept asking me if there was anything that i wanted. that it was important that i got stuff i needed too. (i normally don't get anything for myself) I think that's his way of saying sorry. He does it with the girls too. Problem is, all we all want is his time, not things to fill our time away from him. anyways...

Last night was ok.Not as bad as last week, not great, but better.

over all, good weekend. No fights as H was sleeping most of the days... just ready to start a fresh new week.

Hope everyone is good!

[blindsided1]

I'm glad to hear that your weekend was good. Better is a good thing.

[ann25]

Hi transformer and thanks.

Especially if presented in the context of, "I am interested in making things better" as opposed to "you need to be trained as a lover, H!"

I think this is just his mind set, it's always been that way. I think he feels like things are fine and if i try to say, hey, doesn't this look neat, it's automatically, why, what's wrong with what we are doing now. I reassure, but it doesn't always help. Right now, i think he's a little sensitive for that. Hopefully i can show him some things soon.

I am glad he apologized to you. Could you let it slide and tell yourself "he must just be teething?" or something? I know it's hard.

I'm normally really good about the whole duck's back thing, but sometimes it just gets to me. Like i ruined his whole day because he wasn't willing to fold a little bit of laundry, or not even fold it, but look through it? Actually, by the time he apologized, i was totally over it. I get upset in the moment sometimes, but i cool down really quickly most times.

think of sex as not just intercourse, but everything else.... if the intercourse part is not fun, are there other things that you can share together that are fun that might lead to Os

Uh, yeah... try telling him that. hehe. really though, I enjoy sex. I always have. Its the getting worked up for it that's hard, once i find myself in that state of, OMG yuck, its hard to get out of it. once it's going, it's fine. Os are few and far between and always have been, doesn't mean i don't like the time spent trying to get there. to me, odd as it may seem, some of the other stuff seems more intimate than the actual intersourse, so those are harder for me at least when it's him doing it. I almost feel like that's not something he should be doing to me, cause of issues that happened in the begining of our M (long story) anyways, i'm hoping that as we get closer, physically and emotionally, that we'll be able to share more together.

[ann25]

Hi blindsided - thanks for checking in... you are right... better is a step in the right direction.

[Atlas]

Ann,

Glad to hear the weekend went well. Totally hear the buy things instead of quality time issue. That sucks, but something is better than nothing. So obviously flip it on him. Next, time he is down, about something you did buy him something and see what happens.

[Dom R]

Heya... i was out on vacation.. plus I havent checked on hyou in a while I dont usually read newcomers. It's just too much to keep up with...

So, this is going back to the 28th

Up-front comment: first off.. GREAT job answering stuff about the OM(but I snipped that part). That's what you have to keep doing. to reassure him, whenever he asks. It will get better, if you keep doing this, without impatience or resentment. It will take longer than you'd like.. but it will get better.

anyone have advice on how i should respond to H when he's feeling really low w/out lying or sugar coating everything?

...



M: You aren't holding me back. That was a mistake i made. I'm exactly where i want to be. Right here, with you and the girls is exactly where i want to be and want to stay.
H: Are you happy with me. Are you sure. Nothing is wrong.
(here is where i struggle. Am i happy with the way things are? NO. Do i want to tell him that while he is thinking this way and so down on himself? NO)
M: I love you. I'm happy that we are M and I don't ever want to lose that.
H: ok.

I just wish there was a way that i could explain to him that i'm not happy, but i want us to get back on track and that it's going to take a lot of work on both our parts. that i want us both to be happy. That i want our M to be stronger than ever, but I have a hard time tiptoeing around him all the time. I probably just need to be patient.

Ok, this sounds like a major problem between you two.
you cant keep lying to him. sounds like he gets some kind of echo that something is wrong, but he honestly just doesnt know what to do.


I think that you need to tell him that you arent happy, and why.

or, maybe just tell him things that you would like him to do differently.
I might suggest not saying "I'm not happy". But rather, "I'd really like it if you did...."

Remember: most men are problem solvers. They want to DO something, to "fix" things. If you share something that he could do, that will honestly make you happier... it will make HIM happier, too, that he gets to actually do something about things between you two.


PS: the thing about IUD that made you sad... i think it should make you really happy. he trusts you again. that is a huge positive for you.

Be sad, but only about the bad past, and wasted time.... be happy about the present, and how much better it is at its foundation now

Sorry to hear you're back with your sex phobia thing when he initiates.
Maybe that's what you should use your IC credits for. See a sex therapist to help you deal with those feelings better.

I think that Atlas's(?) suggestion about asking H to romance you a teeny bit first, sounds like a great idea too, though.
Hope it works out better for you.

[ann25]

Hi atlas... That's a good idea. I'm a card and gift giver by nature, so he gets lots of that, but maybe something just fun or practical. hmmm? thanks.

[ann25]

Hi Dom...

I thought you just didn't care anymore.... hehe... J/K thanks for checking on me. Hope your vacation went well!

Up-front comment: first off.. GREAT job answering stuff about the OM

Thanks. I wonder sometimes when i'm talking to him. I keep reading all about the 48 hour rule, i wish i had just a couple minutes to think about what i say before i say it.

Ok, this sounds like a major problem between you two.
you cant keep lying to him. sounds like he gets some kind of echo that something is wrong, but he honestly just doesnt know what to do.

I think that you need to tell him that you arent happy, and why.
or, maybe just tell him things that you would like him to do differently.
I might suggest not saying "I'm not happy". But rather, "I'd really like it if you did...."

Remember: most men are problem solvers. They want to DO something, to "fix" things. If you share something that he could do, that will honestly make you happier... it will make HIM happier, too, that he gets to actually do something about things between you two.

It is a major problem. The last thing i want to do is lie to him, so i end up playing silly games of avoidance or rewording stuff. I'll try to think of things i can tell him to actually do, but I just don't know what they are. I'm not happy with where we are at because 1) i'm not in love with/attracted to him (don't know that there is anything i can tell him on that one) 2) because i feel like he expects too much of me (i ask for help and don't get it, not sure how to fix that) 3) because he doesn't seem to do anything to work on our M. There are other little things, but these are the big ones. (ummm, read a book, go to MC with me, go to IC for you... etc. he doesn't like those ideas)

I'm kinda at a loss as to what to tell him i want him to do. I feel really wrong just telling him I'm not happy without being able to tell him something he can do to fix that. Am i happy in general. Yeah, most of the time. I have a great life. I have a good family, my home, a good job - a good life... Just not happy with the state of our M.

PS: the thing about IUD that made you sad... i think it should make you really happy. he trusts you again. that is a huge positive for you.

that's a great point. I didn't even think of that. Thanks.

Sorry to hear you're back with your sex phobia thing when he initiates.
Maybe that's what you should use your IC credits for. See a sex therapist to help you deal with those feelings better.

Thanks dom. I just might. I was actually reading about someone who recently saw a sex therapist and how much it helped her. I was thinking about it. I think i would just tell H that it's counseling. Maybe at some point he'd join me.

[Atlas]

Ann,

Defiently something fun. She got me a microwave once, while in college. Apparently, my face gave it away. I can think of just in the last year, this was over 8 years ago, how I'm an ungrateful SOB, cause I didin't appreciate the microwave. So no hallmark, or whatever. If he is into fishing then a gift certificate there. Or maybe an electronics store.