I’m in a not so good place right now. I feel myself spiraling down and I’m not quite sure why. I’m going to see my C today, for the first time in a long time. I’m trying to identify why I’m feeling so uneasy. As far as I can determine, it has nothing to do with H’s behavior, and more to do with my own thoughts and feelings. I think it has something to do with feeling a loss of control. That is what I need to talk to my C about today.
This is having a negative impact on my piecing efforts. I continue to initiate these talks with H, even thought I know it’s not the right thing to do. Then last night, I saw H go into his bedroom drawer and grab something and put it in his back pocket. A few minutes later, I just looked at him with an uneasy look. He knew exactly what I was referring to. He pulled his money clip out of his pocket and showed it to me. I said, “why do you need your money clip at 7:30 on a Sunday night”. He said, “I wanted to buy something online”. So, then I asked what, to which he responded a basketball game DVD. He got angry and asked what he was supposed to do differently. I said that he needs to understand that things like that get to me. He said he doesn’t want to have to watch his every move.
So, I felt miserable. I went upstairs and cried. Then about an hour later, I just said to him, “I’m sorry that I make you feel like you’re every move is being scrutinized.” He said, “You don’t have to apologize”. I continued and said, “ I know that can’t make you feel good and I can understand why. It’s not fair to you. But at the same time, I need you to be patient with me as I work through this. I want there to come a time when I don’t do it all. But for now, I am still going to from time to time. I am working on it. I need you to understand and not get upset with me and just know that I am working every day on being a better person.” I then told him that I don’t snoop his cell phone anymore – or at least not like I used to and that I am not checking up on him. He said, “good”.
He just hates feeling like his every move is being watched and analyzed. Yet, I feel unable to stop myself at times. Then when I do, I know it have just pushed him further away. Then, as RJ said, I start to feel like I’m losing control, and that’s when the anxiety comes in.
Sometimes, I feel like it’s up to me to stop snooping. Other times, I feel like my H needs to understand how much damage he caused by the prolonged deception and the back & forths with OW. Yet, I know I need to leave that in the past if we’re going to recover.
The other thing I should mention… earlier in the night, I asked him if he wants to ML later when the kids go to bed. He said, “of course”. Then after this happened, I said, “so I guess sex is out tonight”. He said, “Why” I said, “because of what happened and you’re mad at me” . He said jokingly, “I’ll just have to take it out on you”. Sorry if TMI.
So, later when we went to bed, I just rolled over to go to sleep, then he initiated and I went with it. So, I think that connected us a bit.
I need to stop my needy behavior. I need to stop focusing on H and focus more on me. I’ve been in that good place before, so I need to find a way back. I need to find a way to let go of the things I cannot control.
Hoping my C can help today. I will see her in a hour.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Great session with my C. She is so great. I haven’t been to her in a while. And she knows H very well because we used to do MC with her and she was there through the horrible periods of our mess.
Anyway, I’m going to bullet out a few things she said so that I can remember them. Plus, I think these pointers will be helpful to others:
-She asked what it was I was really afraid of, to which the answer was losing the marriage. - She reminded me that I was okay when H left before, I’d be okay again. And if I can just get to a place again where I know that in my head, my level of anxiety will go down. - Said that I need to act as though H made the right decision staying in the M. Then my confidence will start to go up - She said to stop probing H for information (i.e. what he did for lunch) because he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do and my grilling him about it isn’t going to do anything but harm. -That by my asking him for information all the time and asking for reassurances makes me sound needy (which I already knew), and that’s not an attractive trait for anyone. -She told me to focus on the marriage and the R with my H -She said that I was looking for external factors to give me reassurance -Said that if he wanted to be with OW, he would be – that it wasn’t her that he wanted but more of the escape that she provided. That combined with the fact that she was aggressive and had some sort of intoxicating way about her, H continued to get sucked in but didn’t really want that as an R. -Any M can end… anyone can leave a M at any time…. And by my asking questions and for reassurance all the time won’t stop that from happening. -Also, by me stopping these behaviors, which aren’t helping anything, I can take comfort in knowing that I am doing everything I can to repair the R and not damaging it. So if H ever decides to leave again, I will know it was nothing I did.
It sounds like a bunch of 2X4s, but that’s what I go to her for. She’s a behavioral therapist, so she’s focused on looking at the behaviors, why I am doing them, what doing them will cause and how to stop them. I should also say that despite the 2x4s she said that she completely understands why I am doing what I am doing… but simply that it isn’t actually helping anything.
So, I need to continue to remind myself that I need to be my own person, focus on me, focus less on H, remember that I will be okay if H leaves again.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, Keep in mind, too, that you may be having an anniversary reaction to the Jan-Feb trauma of 2 yrs ago. You and H have both come a long way since then.
PS, You are in a heightened state at this time. The last post mentioned an anniversary reaction. You may want to ask your therapist at your next session what he/she knows about EMDR. It's a form of hypnosis used to treat PTSD.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
PS, I wish I could stomp on the freaking cell phone. I think all these behavioral suggestions aren't working, because, at the end of the day, you need more reassurance from H.
Try the honesty approach. "H, I am having major cell phone jitters. Can you help me?" No accusations, no mention of OW, no sneaking peeks at cell phone.
Thanks, CL. I am definately suffering from some sort of PTSD. in this case, I'm not sure if it's anniversary-related or waht. I tend to think not.
I am doing too much of reading H's reactions. He is a relatively quiet and reserved guy (unless he's watching sports). So, it's hard for me to tell when he's going to that dark place again or if he's just being normal H.
THe kids stayed at my parents' house last night. H and I just hung out on the couch. At 10, I went to bed. This morning, in bed, I asked H if he ever called his C back. He goes to a C every few weeks. But he sees his C as a nice-to-have, not a must-have. Anyway, he had to cancel a few weeks ago. I noticed when he cancelled, he said on the VM to her, "i'll call you back to reschedule". I knew at that point that he'd never get off his @ss and make that call. Anyway, I had asked him if it would be okay for me to see his C to check in with her. He said that would be fine. So, I called her last week to schedule my appt. Then I started down the path of scheduling his. He couldn't make the time she had suggested, so when I called her back to tell her that, I told her to call H back directly to schedule the appt. I was trying to back off of the mothering role.
Well, she called him back the next day and left a message suggesting a time that he couldn't make. H couldn't make that one either (it was for tonight when he's out of town). and OF COURSE, he never called her back. I asked a few times. He kept saying, "I will". I asked him again this morning. He said he didn't call her back. I asked why and he gave me some circular response about how he didn't have an appt scheduled. I said, "I know, you need to schedule one". Finally I said, "Okay, I'll just do it. I just don't want to be your mother. What days are good for you?" HE said, "Next Tuesday or Thursday". So, here I am again, scheduling his appt for him.
So, my concern here is that H doesn't see his C sessions as that important. His C and I both see them as critical. He told me a few weeks ago that before he goes, he usually doesn't feel like it. But after he goes, he usually is glad he did. But he also doesn't think she is helping him. I don't think he thinks he needs to be helped.
Anhyway, all things for me to talk to his C about tomorrow.
Anyway, H is going away tonight with work. I am so looking forward to him being gone tonight. We hugged and kissed goodbye, but I realized after he left that he hadn't said ILY. So, that had me going for a few minues.
Then i decided to focus on me today and tomorrow. Today is my day off from work and I have a busy day with the kids (and I'm also getting my hair done). I'll be running all day. Tonight, I'm goign to make myself a dirty martini and maybe start reading my new book.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, Go ahead and hold your H accountable for his counseling visits if you like, but only if it's helpful. If it ends up being a power struggle, and he truly isn't ready to participate than I would back off and put your energy elsewhere. Choose your battles wisely.
Your say that your H is quiet and reseved. Does he participate in the R when he needs to, or is he generally too distant? I'm wondering if partly your anxiety is the mystery he creates in the R, due to his lack of presence and communication.
My dance teacher says that if a man lacks the presence and leadership of leading a dance, the woman will be inclined to fill the void. I think there are parallels between the dynamics of a dance R and marriage. I've learned that my presence, via listening and problem-solving has a calming and focusing effect for my W.
I wonder if you asked for him to increase his presence via listening, communicating, and problem-solving in general if it would help to alleviate some of your anxiety, and allow you to give him more space? He would be wise to consider this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
He told me a few weeks ago that before he goes, he usually doesn't feel like it. But after he goes, he usually is glad he did. But he also doesn't think she is helping him. I don't think he thinks he needs to be helped.
....but I realized after he left that he hadn't said ILY. So, that had me going for a few minues.
Then i decided to focus on me today and tomorrow.
Hey hon, most men are not going to like C, it is a 4 letter word for them. Perhaps he doesn't feel coMfortable with this C, have you suggested changing Cs? would that make him feel better?
About your second statement, there is wonderful book I highly recommend you read, it is called "Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women by David Zinczenko ",it explains you many details about preconceptions we women have when men say/don't say certain things. I'm glad you did decide to focus on yourself and move on, eventually, it will be your no-brainer decision, your modus operandi, keep moving forwards gal))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
