emotionally detaching myself and i don't want to

[thotitwudbdifrnt]

you see, here's the thing too, nwlywed, i am one of those people (sometimes i think we are rare) who, even though i have imperfections, i am not ashamed of my body. i'm not. that's not to say that i am a stripper (never been) or that i wear inappropriately small garments (sexy but not trashy). and i am only nude in front of H. so, now i started wearing a robe all the time and shutting the door when i shower. that way he won't see me. like maybe he sees me too much. (once he made a comment that he had never seen anyone naked so much in his whole life.) he has picked up on the fact that the door is closed and i put on my robe really quickly. he even asked my why i am covering up. i just said i didn't want to be naked in front of him. it doesn't make a difference if he sees me naked. i just have a body. just like everybody else. like a statue of a naked woman is beautiful but you don't want to ML with it. so if my body has no effect, then why show it?

also, i asked him if he just wants me to give up. he asked give up what? i said trying to have a passionate M, trying to make it a loving and lasting and happy R. he said that he didn't but he also said that he didn't want to talk about it. i have asked how long do you think that this family (who his S calls 'the happy family' bc we laugh a lot, but more and more it is the kids and i who are laughing) with you pushing me away like this? how long do you think i can keep reaching for you when you don't reach back? he has no real comeback other than to say that he doesn't know and he's not pushing me away.

this am (icing for the cake) he tells me that he loves me. i tell him that i love him too. he said (God, i hate this) yeah, but you don't want to be married to me. (which is not true. if i didn't want to, i would have left a long time ago. being a woman i know this was fishing for a compliment.) i said that's not true and you know it. he said now you're going to have to prove it to me. i said, don't turn this into a game. i hate mind games, they are always cruel and no one wins, ever. he said that wasn't a game. so i said if he is going to play that game then how about you prove to me you love me? he asks how? (really, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.) he says, i tell you all the time. i said, yeah but you don't show me. he asks how to do that. i said ML to me. show me you love me. of course, it didn't happen. i didn't expect it to anyway. so i said, i can't prove it to you. you have to choose to believe me. i haven't proven it so far, how can i now? i was by his side supporting him and his son while he didn't have a job, i fed him, if that doesn't prove it, then what the heck will?????

truth is, i am tired of it. but not tired enough to leave. i don't want to break our family apart. i believe that every M can work. i believe that ours can too. it may not look like i had dreamed or hoped or desired. but i think that can be overcome. i just felt alone and rejected over and over. the rejection is what is killing me. i always thought that, like my parents, love would conquer all. i also thought that H would care about me and my feelings like i care about his. now, instead of romantic love feeling like the strongest thing on earth, it seems like love for your children is stronger. maybe it always has been and i was/am a silly little girl who wanted to live a fairy tale.