Wow, all. There are some interesting ideas bandied about on here. Some I take issue with.
Why don't I know more details about H's sexual predilections - because he hasn't wanted to share them. I have asked and he has gotten all icky uncomfortable and been unable to say more than, "Yeah, I jack off what of it? It is normal for all men and women." Wouldn't say what kind of fantasy material, photos or whatever is involved. Anal - doesn't seem so, said that he had no interest. Frequency? Won't commit due to the issue of "flexibility" which is why he outright refused a schedule. His answer to my questioning of his likes/dislikes was to buy a Better Sex video series which we watched once, I got all horny and fcuked him on the couch during the thing and he NEVER ONCE tried anything we saw on there nor did he mention it again. Scared him how horny I was, I think. Won't discuss gender roles or postions or anything else - he says "I'm a one trick pony."
I don't think I come off as Mommy to H. H is the undisputed King of this castle. I think I come off as "hormonal female who will get over it". I back down and then he is good to go to do nothing some more.
And Corri - I have just fcuked him silly (took what I wanted) and at times that has worked out, at others he has laid there like a corpse and it has been difficult to stay with my own vibe (a'la Schnarch I can think the encounter was good even if my partner thinks it was ho hum). I think that I would have been better to have stopped and called H on it then and there but that did seem "motherly" so I didn't. Too many times like that seemed to build a resentment in him so I stopped.
As for the Monkey idea he would not shame me, he would not be sarcastic. I think he would just look at me like the out of line toddler and conclude that he would not reward that toddler with candy. Probably walk out the door until I "got over it".
Let me clarify. I am not afraid that he would leave. I know what I said read that way. I am afraid the he would consider leaving, conclude it wasn't worth the trouble and just shut down even more. The thing is that if his brain got around to the whole "She's gone crazy, is a raging beast-woman, maybe I should leave thing" then I'm not sure there is any going back. H won't leave because of "the vow" unless there is some really extreme circumstance. Hating my guts doesn't qualify. He has some strange issues with women once they get on his "not to be trusted" list.
For those of you (Dom) who think I am leaving or have in any way threatened H - I'm not going anywhere and saying that I'm just about done being the woman he married if this is the way I am being asked to live is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different than saying I'm leaving. It is saying that my body is staying but my heart and mind are reaching capacity.
I am beginning to think that the single biggest contribution to my own failure that I have made and continue making is in not stating the obvious to H, over and over and over and over. Fcuk him, don't fcuk him, act monkey, act lioness - doesn't really matter what matters is that until he takes me seriously we aren't getting anywhere. I have wanted to avoid being the nag, the Mommy, the therapist so much that I haven't known how to address all his non-doing. H is rarely disrespectful, never sarcastic and when he is sh*tty I have no problem pointing it out and saying stop it - he does although sometimes he will stop only after defending his "right" to be a rat b@stard if he feel moved to do so.
H is no shrinking violet in our home and I am no shrinking violet there either. Yes, we both know how to pull our verbal punches so as not to inflict harm that isn't necessary but we say what needs said - EXCEPT WITH SEX. I don't think that there is any Mommy/Daddy vibe but more of a business partner thing which is certainly no sexier than Mom/Dad. I guess the mantra we both must be having in our head is "Don't sh*t where you live" whereas the one I need to have is Tom Petty's "Don't Back Down."
