The reason I agree with this (well, because it was my idea and you agree with me... )
is because you need to stop this 'game'. Amy hangs out with Jeff, we smooch, we tease, then we cool down.
What is that all about?
Look, here is the way I see it:
Jeff , like me, has a lot of hurt , anxiety, etc. So he chooses to medicate. Bad idea but he doesn't know what else to do. Really.
His W (AmyC) has basically not been supportive, and I don't mean 'Oh Jeff, your life is soooo hard.'
I mean when he was 'down' we all know that Amy, (and MY w) avoided the situation, or nagged on him, and eventually bailed and ran to OM. Then Amy and my W told us how we were 'so last week' and how OM was 'the soulmate'.
Yeah, that hurts. How do I trust my W after that. How does Jeff trust Amy? How does any of the LBS's trust the WAS?
Well, it's simple. We don't. We feel like we are all alone. In many cases WE are the ones who came to this website. WE are the ones who made the effort. It sucks. We feel like we've put out 'enough'. When will THEY do something?
Well, maybe we need to define what THEY can do. I think they can tell use we are not alone. Not by saying it, but by doing what needed to be done months / years ago. A year ago my wife said to me "I'm ready to be your wife again. I want to be 'mom' and lover and companion again. I'm sorry I hurt you so much, and I want to fix our broken life"
She held me, and I have to say at that BEFORE point I was ready to 'let her go'. I was. It surprised me, it made a difference.
Still, I didn't believe her. I was hurt and - to be truthful - this was something I didn't believe she could do.
But her SINCERITY, and her willingness to open her heart, to tell me that she was going to let the past go, to let the future be written now, well that made an impact on me. I listened, I trusted, and still, I 'sat on the sidelines' waiting for 'proof'. I 'waited' for her to 'show me'. I waited. And Waited.
After a month or so, well, she didn't. She was waiting for ME to prove I was 'the man'.
It took some counseling to figure out that we both had our own barriers.
We also sat down and made our 'list' of 'dont's'.
We talked about each one, like "don't drink when you are sad,' Don't yell at me because I don't understand computers', and others. Instead, come to me for hugs and love!"
After a YEAR I finally felt comfortable about this and told her recently that I NEED this : I said to her "Please pay attention to me. Give me 10 hugs per day, like we did when we didn't have children. Help me to feel like I am important to YOU."
It took me that long to 'get it'.
Perhaps the WAS is in the difficult position of being the one who has to put forth the strength to be vulnerable and healing. After all, in many cases, the LBS really didn't address their own issues, they were just TRYING TO SURVIVE. And the WAS was one of the sources of their pain. If the LBS (Jeff, me) already had a lot of trust and safety issues then the WAS who is returning is in a situation where they have to carry a lot of the burden of healing.
The LBS put their life on hold. Stopped dealing with their own issues, so they could deal with the bad situation they found themselves in.
I'm not saying that those of you, the WAS's, should 'appease' the LBS's who are still a mess. Especially if they are men. What I'm saying is this: Please start holding them up, calling them on their issues in a caring way, as in 'Man, I understand how you fell so overwhelmed each day and having a few drinks gives you that calm feeling.' and asking this question: 'What else could we do together to get out of that sh*tty place, where you drink, or are withdrawn or whatever, cause I know you really don't feel good the next day?' I know, let's .....
And DO it. Or, if you know (like my w has finally learned) that they are a 'prickly pear' then GRAB them LOVE them. Believe me, a withdrawn man or woman can't stop you when you tickle them.
Or if you go and, um.....
So hey, my life isn't perfect. However one thing I can say I know is true. Being completely honest, to the point where you feel that what you WANT may not be what THEY want, yet saying it out loud, is the best choice.
Why? Because if you STILL do not say what you mean, what you want, you are still 'fixing'.
Does that help or does it forestall the inevitable?
I don't know.
This is for Amy. My friend, I truly believe that Jeff loves you. I do. He doesn't love Jeff. He would prefer the bottle to facing why he doesn't love Jeff. Trust me, I know.
Yet, if you 'throw yourself' at him it will be uncomfortable. I know how that felt to me. If, however you are totally straight with him, and (if this is your truth) you say, "Jeff, whether or not I am never your wife again, and you are never my husband, I need you to know that I didn't support you when you needed me, and I hurt you in so many ways that I can't count them. I've learned my lesson, and I know what matters in my life, and it's you. If you want me, I'm ready to be your wife forever. I love you and I'll never stop"
If that's what you want, a wife who will love you and never, ever leave you alone again, then please let me be that woman.
And leave it at that. If he says nothing, then 'act as if' you are that woman. If he says 'no', then you have your answer.
Let him know he is not alone. Tell him that I know how he feels. He can call me any time if he needs to talk to another man.
Your friend, frank
Frank, that post meant a lot to me and I am still pondering pieces of it...Thank you.
Something that sofaraway said and I bet he doesn't know just how right he was, but I knew it when I read it and it stopped me in my tracks:
Quote:
I'm Jewish as you know Amy, so simply put, something just ain't kosher in Amyville...........
Sometimes ya just gotta call it like it is. Thanks, Ian.
And all those other chop-busting posts ya'll left me when I said I would not enter 2008 standing for my marriage, thank you. I said I wasn't listening, wouldn't cop to even reading them. But ya'll were writing and I was reading. It's true that I can still say I'm not standing for my marriage, though. Because that's kinda like putting the cart before the horse. I'm standing for my husband, my kids' Daddy.
Just as soon as I get into the proper position to do so.
