The Great Wall Part II

[Stigmata]

Yeah, I figured as much.

I guess I didn't make it clear enough when I said not to be an "understanding doormat."

So you think putting H in the role of parent and throwing a foot stomping tantrum over the same old topic like a little girl who isn't getting her way to be the best solution huh?

I might agree if she were GEL or Fran. (I don't think you are a passive wallflower, Karen, don't even go there with me.) The problem is you have to back it up. Are you telling me this approach is going to have real teeth and sink in to a man firmly in charge of his household?

H appears completely disconnected and rolling around on a bed and acting like a crazed lioness or jumping monkey will probably be checked off as crazy woman hormones and I would think scare off what appears to be an already sexually avoidant male. Getting to a regular sex life via anger and no teeth to back it up vibes, Ooo, look at pizzed-off Medusa there yelling at me with all her writhing snakey hair. Hot.

Weird too. Here she has been carrying on like everything's fine these past 8 or so months and out of the Fing blue I come home to a red-faced woman with fire coming out of her eyes. WTF? Shouldn't she have at least kept me in the loop that she has been seething with resentment? WTF?

Guess we couldn't have an adult grown-up face-to-face heart-to heart no distractions serious "State of the M" discussion.

I did not say to coddle this guyWhy on Earth would you think I would encourage that? Was it the MB comment? Okay, so if his MB on any level bothers you then just say so. Why hasn't there been an open dialogue as to how often you both do it?

I was going for trust, candor, and openness, not "mommy does it too, little boy." How dare you think H can't have an adult man-to-woman conversation and instead go and regulate him to some kind of puppy boy. Oh, no, if there's one vibe I'm getting from her R it's not that Karen is the parent and poor baby boy is the child in this dynamic.

IMO he is a jungian king of his castle and quite a responsible father and provider.

I feel he is in what I will call the "king's conundrum." Where he has grown fat and complacent and over time his harem of 50 gorgeous Fs are not his main focus as they vainly dance around him and stroke him as he brushes them away holding his big stinkin turkey leg. Funny how that was so hot his first day as king but now, like all LTRs, it's taken for granted.

Oh, yes, I can see it. The 50 angry Fs huddle in another room then come at him en masse in shrill angry resentment when he had no conscious awareness he was hurting their feelings since they never bothered over the past year to have a heart-to-heart -- calm and very very direct, "you're harem is unhappy; this is the dealbreaker so you'd better pay attention."

Sorry. It seems to me there is a time and place for histrionics and pot throwing but you have to get to the Fing source cause of the Fing problem first.

Does Karen know EXACTLY where her H stands on sex, feelings about sex, feelings about regularity, feelings on restraint, bondage, hair-pulling, anal sex, submission, dominance, kink, swallowing or not swallowing, times of most horniness -- mornings, afternoons, or evenings? No? Why the F not?

I said to be DIRECT. Not to let him off the hook.

Tell me, ladies, have you ever backed someone into a literal corner and invaded his or her space bubble and just glared at (him in this case) with an, "If you move, I will kill you -- look carefully into my eyes and see that I am deadly serious stare?

A very very serious, "we have a big problem here and we are going to cut to the chase or very bad things will ensue."

The first reaction is for the corneree to try and escape or talk his way out of it. But when you push even closer and make it very clear there will be no avoiding the problem then the floor is yours and you suddenly have a very attentive audience.

So which guy do you think is going to hang on my every word more -- this guy I just described or the guy who listens to me shouting ad hominen attacks, threats and obscenities at him from across the room? When he had no idea I even had such a huge angry beef with him in the first place?

That's what I meant by a very direct, we are resolving this once and for all approach.

"She shouldn't be NICE, Stigmata." Yuck ... nice nice nice. Ptooey. Don't put words in my white-fanged mouth.

Don't tell me you Fs don't know that one of your icy cold hard stares doesn't cut us to the bone much better than throwing some kind of temper tantrum.

I said I was concerned Karen would back down from such a explosion of back and forth fireworks.

And why do I say this? Because she said poit blank she is afraid H would leave her. So, tell me, what if he got up and pointed to the door: I've had it. You're out of control. If you don't like who I am, there's the door." See her walking right then? Hmmm? Think's she's at that point mentally and emotionally? Ie, the dealbreaker?

Of course I believe in letting loose. When you are ready to WALK no matter what. Let's OP know you are not bullsh!tting and it's reached the point of no return.

So do you think Karen is ready to pack her bags, throw her ring at her H and walk? Hmm? I don't. But if she does reach that point I would encourage her to let loose on him full bore, pack some bags, get in her car, turn off her cell, and drive the F to a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale after said ring-throwing.

So I don't buy what you're selling at this point. that dog don't hunt.

That's why I said if you don't have a dealbreaker in your R and your GD life is GD miserable over a huge issue you had better find one and find one fast. See this? This is my Fing dealbreaker. I do NOT budge on this one. Ohhhh no. Am I making myself perfectly clear?

Blech. I am not encouraging good nice cow or whatever the hell animal the female nurturer is to say, good puppy, bad puppy.

I'm saying get the F honest and down to brass tacks with complete candor and forceful-without-anger directness.

So, tell me, Karen. How many times a day/week does H MB? You don't know? Why?

What are his feelings about submission and dominance and gender roles? You don't know? Why?

How many times a week does he think you should be having sex? It's unclear? Why?

And, although I despise schedules, when have you sat together and gone over a schedule of when and how many times you both will hold yourselves to having sex, no matter what distractions/tiredness come up? Why?

If you have and you haven't held his nose to it. Why?

I may have missed if you have done all of these things as I don't have time to read online MBs. but it seems to me you don't have a full and complete blueprint of EXACTLY how H feels about lovemaking, the act of sex, the meaningfulness of sex, the entirety of all things sex, and how he gets his releases (porn, MB or otherwise)

Yes, call me a fruitcake for thinking it better to go into battle first with every scrap of intelligence and knowledge about every single (deep, dark and otherwise) sentiment, urge, feeling, philosphy, religiosity, lust, love, bonding, validation, commitment et al in terms of a healthy happy sex life for both partners.

When you have all of that info and picked the GD guy's sexually blocked brain clean then have at it in your displays of forced enticement, shouting matches, plate smashings and on and on. by all means, have at it and I will gladly volunteer to shout anger-inciting and Karen-juicing ra rahs from my bullhorn.

I didn't say be NICE. I said "loving." You can be loving and a total hard azz -- Dr. Dobson calls it tough love, as you all know already. come on, you're a smart, albeit, crazy bunch.

Ooo. Puff of smoke from ears. Boy. You gals are really making my Monday. I think I'll go eat a real bloody raw steak for lunch now to soothe myself and throttle down.

Yours eternally,

-Stigmata-