Perhaps if you tried the 'scheduled time limited conflict resolution sessions' like pg 150 of DB suggests. If he knew to expect the questions about the affair and that your time to ask them was limited perhaps he would be more comfortable. But you will have to stick with it and not ask him at other times. Make a list of things you want to ask so you will remember when the time comes, this also helps eliminate the unimportant questions. Of course anything you need to know IS IMPORTANT! By doing this perhaps you can focus your counseling sessions more on the other problems and your H will feel like you are making progress in putting the affair behind you.
I would think he has not appologized because he is still on the defensive and does not yet want to acknowledge the pain he has caused you. He would rather tell himself that he didnt do anything wrong, nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe its his way of keeping from being overwhelmed by his own guilt? Ofcourse befor you (either of you) can move on, he will have to come to terms with what he has done. It just sounds like he is not ready to do that yet. You asking questions and desiring an appology are probably making him more determined not to do either. It keeps his guard up!
You need ANSWERS and he needs TIME. Perhaps a compromise is in order. I thought the limited sessions might fill both those needs.?.
