We had a few breakthroughs at the end of the year...
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The talk got started when my husband was telling me about my stepdaughter (17) who wants to lock up her boyfriend (22). We didn't even raise her and she's a friggin HEADCASE with a baby. Let's not even get into that though. Long story short, H was talking about jail. He said "I spent 7 days there. That boy doesn't want to go there". My head started spinning at "I spent 7 days there". I don't think there has been a bigger shock in this whole mess. There have been many things I had forgotten and have been reminded of since my "emergence from the tunnel" so to speak. NONE have been more stunning than finding out I actually put him in jail for 7 friggin days. I thought it was two...but it was over a holiday weekend... then the attorney his parents got for him dragged his feet requesting a bond hearing (which IS RIDICULOUS and I know that's what happened because that is NOW one of MY jobs as a legal assistant). Nevertheless, the wave of realization just kept washing over me and I thought of DNQ's post about his jail experience. To be honest with you, I can't even tell you what Jeff was saying during that time. I know I was horrified and it took me a while to snap out of that. He did tell me that was in the past. I shook my head no. That's all I remember about that part. [quote]
[quote]Briefly we talked about D11. I was actually very uncomfortable with that because it is just such a raw subject and regarding that, I've been mad as hell at him. I listened before I spoke. He said it was killing him to see me and her like this...that he can only imagine what it is doing to me....I just looked at him and when he said nothing else I then calmly told him that his inability to set boundaries for her and hold her accountable for her actions (or inactions) has made it so that I am the bad guy and I am coming to resent him for it. I told him my fear of offending him has caused me to not take the appropriate actions concerning her, but that would no longer be the case. I also told him he needs to open his eyes and take a real good look at what has happened to his relationship with her. I told him one word: "co-dependant". I told him that he doesn't get to climb into a bottle when he is stressed and then take out his stress on her, thereby raising HER stress level. She is a child. You are the parent. This led to him telling me that Saturday morning he had gone to the place where he used to attend the court ordered AA meetings. No one was there. He said "Amy I thought I could always go back...but there was no one there". I said "Jeff, you're in trouble". That is when he said "I am an alcoholic, Amy". He has never, in 12 freakin years, said those words. NEVER.
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I had the diamond ring he gave me one Christmas (after that first separation when had come home but I was still MLC and going deeper) on my right hand. He leaned over and tapped it and said "why do you wear that?" I said "because it reminds me of when there was still hope". He told me that the night he gave it to me, I wore it to my Grandmother's house (christmas eve) but I did not wear it home. I had put it back in the box in my purse. I don't remember that. But I asked him "have you not realized yet that there is a LOT of things I don't remember about that time?". I tried to explain to him that I had "pockets of reality" when I understood what was happening and I felt horrible but then all the anger would rise up and the self-righteousness...and I'd be lost again. He asked me if I did not realize what I would lose. I said that I did not at the time, because I did not know what I had. He said "You had a man that loved you and was more concerned for you and your happiness than I was my own. Sexually, I lived to please you and I always thought what we had was special. Why did you leave me?" He asked me what om did for me that he could not and I said nothing. I told him that in the beginning of the affair, I was very much caught up in feelings of the "old" crush I'd had when I was 19. I told him that sexually om had been a huge disappointment to me BECAUSE Jeff had always taken such good care of me. I told him it just took me a few months to realize all that om lacked however then there were still all the other issues between me and Jeff...my resentment that had grown over the years, etc...
I asked what he had meant the night he said that if the numbers came back right for the refinance that we "would all benefit" and I felt like a fool when he answered me. I felt like a fool for thinking he wanted us to come home. That it was for the addition.
He intended to pay off my car. Instead of throwing up, which is what I felt like doing, I thanked him for thinking of doing that, had he cashed out. He said "wouldn't it feel good to no longer have to make that payment?" Yes. But I was sick inside and I KNEW it was ALL pride. He knew something was wrong and he asked what several times. I truly couldn't form the words to say it because it took me a few minutes to be able to speak without crying. Finally I said it "S14 and I both thought you meant you'd build the addition so we can come home". There. It was out there. He didn't say anything, the kids ran through...I got up and started to throw things away again. He had me come back onto the porch and sit with him some more. I had really had enough. But I also have waited a long time to talk, so I sat back down. He got very close to me. He kissed me several times. One time he was leaning over hugging me and I grabbed him by the back of his head and just planted one on him like I know I haven't done in years. We had a pretty good make-out session and had the kids not been nearby, we'd have hit it out of the park if you know what I'm saying .
Once we started talking again he said that he didn't know what he wants. He said if he would go through again what he went through before, he likes his life now just fine. He said he doesn't want to date, hasn't touched a woman since we separated, doesn't care to. He went back into the connection we'd always had before the MLC, he said he misses me still.
I know there are more things. I guess I will pop back in and write them as I remember them. Sunday morning when I called over there, I was fully prepared for him to be shut back down. He was very warm on the phone though, as well as when I went over there later.
So we will just sit with this a while, I guess, 'cause I sure as hell don't know what to do from here.
