emotionally detaching myself and i don't want to

[thotitwudbdifrnt]

nwlywed,sorry for your situation, too. i have never, ever had this problem in any R i've ever had. and it doesn't make sense to me for someone to say 'you are so hot' and that they are attracted to me but they won't touch me.

H and i had a discussion last night. he said he just has a lot on his mind that is weighing him down. and i am thinking, ' like what?' so, this am i asked, 'what is so bad abt your life that it weighs on you like this?' he has so many positive things in his life but he obsesses over the bad. he has a good job, nice house, a new car, kids who love him, a wife who stays and loves him to pieces even though..., his family loves him, my family loves him, etc etc. the list is really long. his answer took him about 30 seconds to say 'my job... (another 30 seconds) my health. (which isn't that bad! it is normal for his age!)' and that was his list! job is changeable, i said, find a new one! health, start exercising more and eat better! two things that are fixable in a relatively short period of time.

then emotionally and mentally, go see a counselor. if you want i will call one. H is convinced that a counselor or a dr can't help. don't know why. he says he will get better... i said in order to get better, you will have to take positive steps toward getting better and be a good example to the kids. he says they don't know what is going on with him. i said are you crazy? they know you sleep all the freaking time.

you see, our SL issues have further issues with depression.

i thought about some things that everyone has said to me here. now, i am thinking that i was a good 'out' for a bad situation in his life. a way that he wouldn't have to tell his family that he lost his job. somewhere along the line i guess he really fell in love with me. i can't say that is for sure true. he didn't think we would stay married. he didn't even tell his family we were getting married (they live really far away). i called his mom 2 weeks after the wedding and introduced myself. H was mad but i didn't want to start a R with my new family like that.

i guess when i add it up, there are lots of mean things he has done to me. lots of moments where something was said that i didn't deserve at all.

to top it all off, i grew up watching my parents be madly in love with each other (now almost 40 years!). they have had fights but they always were passionately in love. like something out of a movie. THAT is what i want. and i know it can be that way. i have seen it. i married a different man than the one i fell for. he was passionate and loving and demonstrative. you know how you are treated when someone thinks there is a possibility that they could lose you? that is what i want, too.

at Christmas, when my parents and we were sitting together talking. my dad said that what attracted him to my mom was that she was happy and had a positive outlook (my dad is a pessimist by nature). H says he is the same about me.

dad says he had never ever wanted to be with anyone else and if my mom died today, he would never remarry bc it wouldn't be fair to the other woman. she would never be able to measure up to my mom in his eyes. i wanted to cry. still do abt that. most of all, i know my dad means it with every cell in his body. he has taken care of her through the loss of a child and two, yes two, battles with cancer. H says how he wouldn't ever be with anyone else if something happened to me, either. he says that with passion.

it is a very real possibility that something could happen to me. i have epilepsy. bc of that, i treat every minute like it could be my last. every minute i waste being bitchy is a minute i have lost. i may not have that many left. i may have a million. who knows with my disease? once before, i went from perfectly normal to being in a hospital with a fractured skull, had totally lost consciousness and quit breathing, cpr had to be done, OMG. it happened so fast. just a few minutes! and the road to recovery was so hard. that was 10 yrs ago, well b4 i met H. H doesn't have a chronic illness, so he doesn't understand how important every minute is as fully as i do. H hates to hear me talk like that. he says he can't stand the thought of losing me. but he could. any minute it could happen. i lose a night of sleep over this stupid issue and the next day i could have a seizure.

to be truthful with you all, i care a lot less than i did about our SL. maybe it doesn't matter as much as i thought it did. i have noticed that i am becoming more cynical and less passionate. i hate that. i have worked on myself until i am blue in the face.


question: if i were to do a self-imposed moratorium on sex and not be so 'easy', not be available at all for it at any time, should i tell him what i am doing? or would it even matter?

thanks for listening!