Yes. You have a severe communication problem. In some ways that is good, because it is a problem that is relatively easy to fix. It is other problems, such as depression or personality disorders that are much harder to do anything about.
So the topic will come up. The two planets living in your house will come into contact. Try to listen to what she says. Do NOT be thinking of your response while she talks. Listen to what she says. IF you are unprepared to respond because you have been listening. Tell her that. You want to take some time to think about what she says before you respond. There is no rule that says every discussion has to happen at a fast-pace. Then think about your response and be sure that it is not condemning of her, but instead talks about how YOU feel. These two simple rules will help you in communication.
Back when my H and I had problems, our discussions always turned into arguments with us throwing barbed comments at each other. Especially me, being from NY, I am excellent at sarcasm. But what I learned at Retrouvaille is, this is not the way to convince someone of your point of view, by ridiculing their point of view. I learned to listen to him and respond thoughtfully and with concern. This did not come naturally to me. I had to be taught. But it makes a tremendous difference. Conversations do not spiral out of control anymore. I say things looking to hear his point of view.
So try it. It is easy for all of us to say the spouse is an alien, speaking spew. But somewhere in all of it, there is a message that we need to hear. There is a person with feelings that we need to deal with. Because you will never fix the marriage without dealing with the other person.
