New to Piecing -- again

[peaceful_spirit]

I’m in a not so good place right now. I feel myself spiraling down and I’m not quite sure why. I’m going to see my C today, for the first time in a long time. I’m trying to identify why I’m feeling so uneasy. As far as I can determine, it has nothing to do with H’s behavior, and more to do with my own thoughts and feelings. I think it has something to do with feeling a loss of control. That is what I need to talk to my C about today.

This is having a negative impact on my piecing efforts. I continue to initiate these talks with H, even thought I know it’s not the right thing to do. Then last night, I saw H go into his bedroom drawer and grab something and put it in his back pocket. A few minutes later, I just looked at him with an uneasy look. He knew exactly what I was referring to. He pulled his money clip out of his pocket and showed it to me. I said, “why do you need your money clip at 7:30 on a Sunday night”. He said, “I wanted to buy something online”. So, then I asked what, to which he responded a basketball game DVD. He got angry and asked what he was supposed to do differently. I said that he needs to understand that things like that get to me. He said he doesn’t want to have to watch his every move.

So, I felt miserable. I went upstairs and cried. Then about an hour later, I just said to him, “I’m sorry that I make you feel like you’re every move is being scrutinized.” He said, “You don’t have to apologize”. I continued and said, “ I know that can’t make you feel good and I can understand why. It’s not fair to you. But at the same time, I need you to be patient with me as I work through this. I want there to come a time when I don’t do it all. But for now, I am still going to from time to time. I am working on it. I need you to understand and not get upset with me and just know that I am working every day on being a better person.” I then told him that I don’t snoop his cell phone anymore – or at least not like I used to and that I am not checking up on him. He said, “good”.

He just hates feeling like his every move is being watched and analyzed. Yet, I feel unable to stop myself at times. Then when I do, I know it have just pushed him further away. Then, as RJ said, I start to feel like I’m losing control, and that’s when the anxiety comes in.

Sometimes, I feel like it’s up to me to stop snooping. Other times, I feel like my H needs to understand how much damage he caused by the prolonged deception and the back & forths with OW. Yet, I know I need to leave that in the past if we’re going to recover.

The other thing I should mention… earlier in the night, I asked him if he wants to ML later when the kids go to bed. He said, “of course”. Then after this happened, I said, “so I guess sex is out tonight”. He said, “Why” I said, “because of what happened and you’re mad at me” . He said jokingly, “I’ll just have to take it out on you”. Sorry if TMI.

So, later when we went to bed, I just rolled over to go to sleep, then he initiated and I went with it. So, I think that connected us a bit.

I need to stop my needy behavior. I need to stop focusing on H and focus more on me. I’ve been in that good place before, so I need to find a way back. I need to find a way to let go of the things I cannot control.

Hoping my C can help today. I will see her in a hour.