We all know the mantra...detach, detach, detach...let go, let go, let go...get a life, get a life, get a life.
We all know our WASs are on a trip and we are uninvited passengers. We can't control them, and we can only control ourselves.
We all try to convince ourselves that this is an unique opportunity to live life.
But oh my god its so tough. I've written elsewehere that I feel I'm starting to detach from my 15 year marriage after 15 months of hell (it would appear that 15 is my "number of the beast"!). Perhaps my input in others situations has given the impression that I've cracked the detaching puzzle, and I'm serenely floating above my W's chaos in a zen-like state of peace. No way.
Let me give you an example of how our humanity, and above all that fickle and intangible thing called love, dent the most logical plans. My W has told me that her A is over, but she's also told me that we are over, and she's never going to trust any man again. Yesterday she told me she was going out in the evening, and mentioned where she might be going. Suddenly this little voice started whispering in my head...maybe she's meeting OM, maybe she's meeting a new man...I fought back with thoughts of independence, freedom and detachment...I don't need her, and snooping won't change anything. What would I do if I found her with a man? Would I leave? Would I slam an ultimatum on the table? Probably do nothing and just keep going...but the whispering increased...You need certainty about where, if anywhere, the marriage is headed. Seeing her with another man will help break any last loving links and you'll finally be free. I had promised myself that 2008 would be different, but it wasn't. This thinking and counter-thinking consumed me and destroyed most of my day (a day which will never return and is lost from my life as part of the carnage that is the gift of our WASs). Obviously I succumbed to temptation and went over to the area where she was supposed to be hanging out. I felt weak & pathetic as I stayed in the shadows, and walked down the street. I found nothing, and went home. My madness continued, as I then decided to hang outside our apartment building, and see whether she was going to be dropped off by a guy. It was cold, and dark, and the security guard kept staring at me...probably thinking what's this guy doing. The only thing that could save me was a voice of reason. I called my BIL, and we chatted. He asked me what I was hoping to achieve? Confronting my wife would destroy all my patient hardwork. I could press the eject button anytime. This was not the right time given I hadn't seen any deterioration or final decisions from my W. He then said that this was a strategic war, and a winning general does not give away hard fought gains in a foolish cavalry charge. This obviously appealed to my macho male ego and I calmed down, and went home.
My W returned, and was surprised to see me awake. I complimented her on her outfit (she was looking very cute and I melted), and she gave me a happy twirl and walked off to get changed. I then went to play on my PS3, and she came back and sat near me sipping a glass of water. Apparently she'd been out with her girlfriends (I've never met them, and this feeds some of my insecurity and paranoia). She hasn't spoken to me, or sat next to me for days. In the morning I woke up and she was still chatty, and made me a cup of tea. I told her about a work meeting and she was quite excited. In fact she later sent me a text saying how proud she was of my successes at work, and hoped that God would continue to bless me. I sent a reply of thanks. So on the face of it I was stupid to worry, my calmness elicited a positive response, and all ended well. Right? She told me she's going out again tonight, and so should I worry again?
We are human, and our mental and physical strength cannot hide our frailties. We hate loneliness. We hate uncertainty. These are the key challenges for a DBing LBS...fighting a lonely & seemingly unending battle to save our marriages in which the enemy is the person we love the most.
All we can do is keeping going, and look at this wonderful community as our source of inspiration.
I have no solutions, and only offer this posting as an example of the torment of trying to detach. I'm ok today, and am continuing with my GALling. In fact, these postings are part of my resolution to start writing (who knows these postings could well be the beginnings of a new career!).
