Today has been hard. Ten days without contact and a pile of days before that. Veiled threat of her filing against me. I did realize that I had two pleasant conversations totaling 30 minutes about 3 weeks ago. But a simple misunderstanding about 5D pick-up on 12/19 has put her back in the angry boat. I am hoping that complete darkness for a good bit longer will bring back the sweetness in her from 3 weeks ago or heck maybe the one 6 months ago.
Been working to get ready for 5D tomorrow. That is keeping me going at the moment. Finishing laundry and my work stuff so that I can do as I please when I have 5D. She will have her first dance class Tuesday. I am sure she will be excited.
Theory confirmed. After 2 weeks of darkness, WAW called me last night. Just as she did before. Very pleasant and enjoyable conversation...it was like talking to WAW, I could hear the sweetness in her voice and I could imagine her smile. We talked about in brief... 1st - she was packing 5D stuff for school, mentioned putting pants in bag. 2nd - 5D school not opened on Monday. She offered to take keep her even though my day...I said I had it taken care of. 3rd - Cell bill still showing on her bill. We shared some laughs about it. 4th - She wanted me to talk to 5D after she was out of bath...just like last time she broke my darkness
Positives 1) She initiated contact... 2) Extremely pleasant 3) I am picking up 5D today...no reason any of these things couldn't wait until I picked up 5D. First thing she said was she was packing a pair of pants for 5D. No reason to call for that, just do it has she has done before.
Then 5D called me back we talked in brief... 1) about her in pj's 2) Told 5D enrolled in tap, dance, ballet class...she asked what is tap...WAW might have overheard...I want WAW to know without me telling her. 3) had 3 way conversation w/ guinea pig talking the x-mas gift we got it. She described new cage and I hear WAW telling her to say such and such..so she was in the room. 4) 5D started talking about game they were going to play and remember how we use to play it...now the rip your heart...5D said We are going to play a game, I really wish you were here. When you come home we can do etc... I really want you to come home. WAW had to hear. It was even more than that and clear that 5D was not being coached by me. 5) hugs/kisses
Then talked to WAW, 1) I asked if she preferred to take her or let her stay with my GM and aunt. I said I did not want her staying with my mother all day...big brownie point. She mentioned someone else and then said I definitely support your decision. Big point I think...validates her feelings about my mother. 2) Shared a laugh about 5D height in relation to my GM. She said wow and shared 5D weighted at her GM. 3) My phone was beeping so I said I had to go...she said ok, bye.
positives 1) More pleasantries...It was great to hear the sweetness in her voice. 2) I validated her feelings about my mother. And at the same included her in the decision making with other options. 3) She definitely supports my decision...yeah. 4) I got off the phone first...only 2nd time for me...yeah 5) 5D said in front of WAW that she wanted me to come home, missed me, really want me to play game with them, when I come home, etc...Seems like that would make impression/impact WAW.
Negatives 1) I probably talked a little much, but I am improving.
Interesting - 2nd time in last week or so 5D has said "when" I come home...as opposed to something else...the word "when" is interesting. - Theory looks confirmed...darkness helped to bring about the unnecessary phone call. She did the same thing last time. It's only the 2nd time she has called to let me talk to 5D both times after period of darkness...heck I am seeing WAW today to pick-up 5D. So, the whole call was unnecessary.
Plan - Continue to remain dark for a few weeks then send letter/card and specifically not be available for next phone call, if I get one. - Do not goof and make her mad about something regarding 5D. I really think 12/19 episode set me back a few weeks. - Very fragile time...she has already drawn papers. I need to make sure I continue to leave her alone, do the best I can for and with 5D, and do nothing to make her angry.
That is great news JM. Keep that PMA up but do not expect too much too fats. I have learned the hard way that an up is usually followed by a down. Hope the highs are higher than the downs. It seems that your strategy is working. I wish you the strength neccesary to continue. Have a good Sunday.
Thanks, yeah well I do think it helps that this has essentially occurred before. So, this time, I am going to remain dark and give her no reason to get angry at me, like the misunderstanding of 5D pick-up on 12/19. This was a definitely a setback. Give her more time then send card/letter and see what happens. Small baby step...
Got to break the dark one day...DB coach recommended it also.
Well today has got to be the best so far...in as brief as I can
Background 9:00 - Picked up 5D from WAW house and as planned, I turned toward vehicle. As I was walking away from WAW house I told 5D we had to get dance stuff after church. Well, you know WAW was "what wait what dance". She was very surprised and was like when is it so I can take her. I said it was on Tuesdays and I'll have her the next several Tuesday's, it won't be a problem. Then I left for church...
9:15 - Well, then I thought that might be bad if that is too much of shock for her and then it dawned on me that I had not told her about where 5D would be tomorrow. So,
I called her. I said I was sorry that I forgot to tell you that 5D will be with aunt and GM tomorrow, they are excited. And she said great. I then said I meant to tell you about dance class last night and forgot kind of like I did a minute ago with 5D and tomorrow. She said it's ok I've always wanted her to do this. Conversation continued into letards, shoes, tights, dance class time, etc...
She then said she was surprised because this was something I would not have done before...WOOHOO like a relationship conversation and a 180 for me to boot. Like double bonus. She noticed a change. I said I've learned a lot over the last little while and I told you why I've been unhappy. It makes very happy to be able to provide and take care of 5D and it will make 5D happy. Other things here like 5D classmates in class and stuff. She then said I couldn't before. And I said well I just save a dollar and burn the rest, this validates her. This is what she likes to do with money. We continued talking about where to get clothes and such I listened because honestly I have little clue about what to get. So, I validated her basically by being an idiot about it and saying oh, I didn't know that so it's such and such... and then bonus #2
the next interesting thing WAW said...you know you cannot replace me. She said this kind of under her breath not ugly and meaning me be both mom and dad I think. I said I know. I have thought a lot about what I wish I would've or could do with you that you are so much better than me at like cooking. Getting these clothes for 5D is going to be really hard for me, heck I didn't even know what leotards were until dance person described them. I thought they were blah blah. This would be so easy for you. But, I am learning. It's an improvement. I did say that she is welcome to come get the clothes this afternoon, and continued to talk about what to get. She described where they would be in the store. So, I had my answer. However, she did not talk over me with a NO. She then said she had to go and I said I do to, Sunday School was starting. The whole conversation was 11 minutes. Felt like a lot longer. And certainly worth a lot more than that.
Positives - 1) She brought up relationship questions. 2) She definitely saw a big 180 today. 3) Another pleasant conversation - I could hear the sweetness in her voice again. 4) She was absolutely shocked that I had done this for 5D. 5) Something she has always wanted to do for 5D and I did it. She repeated this several times. 6) She definitely saw something different in me today... 7) Validated her feelings on spending money, doing for 5D, what to get, where to go, made her feel smart about what to get because I had no clue(she has said I make her feel stupid before), etc... without saying I know how you feel, etc... More by actions... 8) She did not holler no when welcomed to help to get 5D clothes.
Negatives - 1) Well, I am sure I talked to much but...she was the one asking the questions. 2) welcoming her to get 5D clothes is breaking a rule but I wanted to include her if she wanted. Don't think she is ready yet but ...
Sorry about the length but I tried not to leave anything out and know I did. So, today I took another step I think.
Plan - same 1) Leave her alone. Let her think. 2) Send card/letter whatever in week or so. 3) Be busy this weekend. Hopefully, I can return a call from her.
Oh on a side note, 5D forgot her stuffed animal from zoo and got upset about it in church. So, I had to text her to ask if 5D could get it. She sent me a text back saying she "would put it in the mailbox :)" Smiley is new. What's up with that? She had gone to church so no biggie about the mailbox. Interesting more than anything.
More I think about it, maybe more than a double bonus. WAW has always wanted this for 5D, she was shocked I did it, she saw my 180, and she initiated relationship conversation. Hopefully, this sparks her curiousity and we can take some more steps...
An interesting point, I know she immediately called a close relative of hers after this eleven minute conversation for 35 minutes. Interesting...
Great progress JM. Just one word of caution....baby steps. Do not try to bring this to the next level. I have been down tthe road before and erred on the side of enthusiasm. Stay calm. Congrats on the progress.
Oh most definitely, I am leaving her alone, she needs time still. I am still sending the card/letter in a week or two. Already got weekend plans brewing...it's just a step. But, she finally brought up something about our R.
