I think you are being very honest with yourself here. I have used the Soberrecovery site to help me understand first my husband's ACoA characteristics and then to tackle my own caretaking/codependent habits. I know that our marriage was in trouble when my husband walked out, but in our case, it is these issues that must be tackled before any hope of reconciliation - if that is to even come - can be had. I found that both that site's forums and this one here at DB has given me the broad support I need to change me and to stand/wait for my marriage.
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Some of the porn sites he was looking at were of teens (my daughter is 16)which is illegal just as having marijuana is illegal.
IMHO, this sounds like potential sexual addiction, and this specific activity sounds really troubling to me. Have you considered that part of your daughter's uneasiness with your H is that he finds teens sexually thrilling? Might there be more here? If your husband has such a need for porn or sexual thrills that he's willing to risk job and marriage, that seems to be an important and huge issue.
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I wanted to do marriage counseling and my husband was thinking about it. He thought about it for a couple of days and then said he doesn't have faith in counselors. He doesn't want to read the information that I give him.
If you read some of the different posts here at DB, you will find how sometimes marriage counselling can be more damaging than helpful, especially if one of the partners isn't invested in it. Maybe you and your husband will get there, but it doesn't sound right now like he's in a good place for that kind of work. Do you have someone you can look to for support and guidance?
I believe that you and your daughter have a good relationship, but what you described - both she and your husband giving ultimatums about how and when they will be in the same house/family - suggested that you are being put in a place of manipulation.
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I grew up with an alcoholic father and understand that my husband will not change until he wants to change and change for himself. He will not change, give up pot, to keep his marriage, he will only give it up when he realizes that he is harming himself and all of his relationships.
This is what I understand too. In the end, be it addictions or MLC or wandering eye syndrome or just fatigue, we can't change our spouses - we can only take care of us. I don't get the sense from what you have written that you find the problems with your marriage as only your husband's, and Dom's points are correct in terms of all of us being clear sighted about our own participation in our marriages' troubles. But there is also a time to find understanding about deeper issues than merely communication problems - or maybe, more correctly, uncover the deeper issues that are creating the communication problems - and I think that you will find that some of the strength you need to successfully make this journey will come through Al-Anon and other types of support sites.
I will keep sending you strong thoughts and hopes for the understanding and insight needed to make healthy choices - for yourself, your daughter, and your marriage.
