Ongoing affair, D papers filed, advice wanted

[SirPrizeMe]

Now, what do you think OM "fed" her that she needed? Support, listening, compliments???? What do you think she was/is seeking in that relationship?

I think, honestly, my wife has serious self esteem problems. The OM also had problems - his W was the breadwinner, he a stay-at-home dad. Always coming up short of competent. Always late to pick up the kids at school. Wrecked their cars. Missed paying the bills. He always drank waaaay too much. (Mornings, any time of day). Embarassing himself at dinners. He's a bright guy, but always seemed to come up short of his potential. Always bouncing from one crisis averted to another.

My wife somehow identified with this man. Little did I know that she and he became so close, that their respective relationship problems merged. Every problem in OM's marriage, got tattoo'd on my marriage. When OM's wife scolded him for not having a job, my wife felt inadequate and resented me. When OM's wife totally emasculated him and he allowed it, my wife resented ME. I was aware of W and OM's relationship, heck he was my best friend, but I did not know it had crossed into what they call an emotional affair.

When the actual PA started, the trigger was a crisis for her OM: the OM's wife was pregnant but the OM had had a vasectomy. The OM was drunk, despondent. W was there with him. OM took her hand and held it. Then he kissed her. Then he led her up to bed! This from W's account of it, in the days after I learned of the PA.

Seeing all this, I think my wife is codependent, needs someone to be needy for her. She was fulfilled as a mother, doting on the children when they were young, but as they grew and needed less of her attention, she turned to find someone else who was needy.

Of course my wife needed more support from me, she needed me to be a better listener. Right now I am out of the house and there are few chances for me to listen to her.