Hope - I posted very quickly to you on your last thread. I do so relate to what you posted on happiness. I was happy in a very deep and innocent way that I realise is lost and gone. The relationship that I may have in the future with my h [or anyone else] will be more 'consructed' and more transactional.
That is loss. So what is gain? Well I have a very good friend whose first h was abusive and cheated on her. She eventually divorced him, and remarried, and is very frank about the second relationship. She said she is happier than she has ever been in her life, but at the same time it is 'different'. She isn't lost in the marriage. And I know that her second h would never cheat on her - he knows that she can live without him. She also told me that she has never stopped loving her first h. A remarkable woman.
So, what comes out of this rambling? Well our future relationships will be more of a construction. Initially there will be less trust: trust will have to be earned. We will have more self knowledge. The new relationship will be 'grown up'. If we get back with our spouses after this breach, it is with a damaged and somewhat humiliated human being. They have behaved in a way that has not only shocked us, but them as well.
I have grown up children, and I have learned a lot from the transition from them being 'mine' to them being independent adults. Our relationship is close and loving, but different. . .
Nothing stays the same. I now believe that I can have a better relationship because I have grown up. Out of grief and destruction and lose can come growth and something better. i truly believe that and have Hope for the future.
