She's ready to move on

[Michael Mc C]

Let me preface this with "I've had a few drinks" Go grab a cup of coffee and a donut, I may be a while... Forgive any rambling.

Okay, so an update to the above post. I started using that wonderful tool known as hindsight, trying to see if maybe something I said or did during the evening could have prompted my wife's sudden need to remind me of the sh}t-storm we're in. I came up with something.

On our way home from the Bar/Restaurant, she mentioned that she received a text message from a girlfriend last night but couldn't remember if she replied or not (she had a few glasses of wine...) D13 told her to check the 'sent' list and W said "no, I delete everything". D13 asked why she deletes all her messages and Einstein (me) said:

"Mommy has to cover her tracks"

That didn't go over so well but I thought we had recovered from it through a quick discussion explaining that I meant nothing by it.

By the way, the Christmas Eve blow up was because of a similar comment which WAS malicious. Tonight's comment, however, was not. I simply meant that she didn't want any evidence of her drunken discussions with her drunk girl friends. I was picking at her playfully, not with malice.

So here I am thinking that I screwed up the evening. So what am I going to do? Do I let it slide or do I try to find out if I pissed her off?

I decided that I need to know if something I said has lead to her change in mood. I can't help it. I want to be communicating with this woman and I want her to communicate with me. If I upset her I want to know. I NEED to know that if I'm making comments that can be misconstrued, maybe I need to change my delivery OR maybe she needs to lighten up.

I asked her as she was going to bed if I said or did anything tonight to upset her because there was a definite shift in her behavior (I didn't word it this way of course). She told me that I did nothing, in fact she had a great time and "thank you".

Hmm. Being me, I can't leave well enough alone. She was making the 'bed' (the couch) and I said "I have one more question for you."

Me: Are you sleeping out here for me or for you? <regardless of what my other posts have implied, this actually is a very important thing to me. not for intimacy, but for sensibility. it just doesn't make sense to me!>
She: Both, I guess
Me: It's completely unnecessary. <I know, stupid> Nothing has changed in what you've been saying since before Thanksgiving and now. It makes no sense for you to sleep out here.
She: <Crying suddenly> I can't talk about this.

Although it's good to see her showing some emotion again, I certainly didn't want this. I love this woman so damn much that it kills me to see her going through this. I cannot, and will not, do anything to intervene or to try to make things better. The only thing I could do is possibly supoort her when she asks for it. This is completely opposite of the way I was feeling earlier this week but regardless of what has happened, I understand WHY it has happened. I know what goes on in the brain on a metaphysical level.

My wife is NOT an alien. My wife is a wonderful woman, a great mother and hell of a companion. I wouldn't be doing this if she wasn't. WE got lost. WE didn't take the steps to ensure that we could keep this going. I am busting my ass to get us to a point where we have a chance to do this right.

I look at her and I wish I could despise her. I found myself trying to detach by thinking about all the lies and the betrayal. All it did was bring back pain. It did not give me detachment. It brought me agony to see what WE have allowed to happen.

I have always been her rock. It is so damn hard not to be that now. I can hear all the db'ers screaming at me saying "NO. IT'S NOT YOUR JOB ANYMORE!" I know. But to see the woman I love in such a state of confusion and pain is almost too much to bear.

This will pass. We were here back in November when OM was gone for about 2 or 3 weeks. The pattern is repeating itself. I need to back off, detach, let her work through this.

Whew.

Okay, real quick update on me. I have continued to go to the gym - really have to work on my Pecs and Biceps (everything else is wonderful LOL). I've also been back into wood-working (that was a surprise GAL as I didn't really notice I had let it slide). Anyway, after the gym the other night I stopped at a local purveyor of beers and hot wings, delivered by scantily clad women... all the Americans at least know Hoo I'm talking about. Anyway, a couple of girls on the customer side of the bar (and I mean 'girls', I'm 39) paid WAY too much attention to me. Talk about a PMA boost! Must have been all the testosterone from working out.

I couldn't even fathom a new relationship right now but there is something about being noticed that really picks you up! My neighbor (former close friend of my wife) asked me last night if I thought I could fake a love interest to make my wife realize what she was about to lose. My answer to that was "I don't think I need to fake it. If I thought that would help my situation, I KNOW I could find one."

Cocky? Yes.
Healthy? No.

One last comment: D8's teacher is a former Hooters waitress. Her name was mentioned by my waitress the other night. Too funny! I said "Does she still work here?" My waitress said "No, she left months ago because she got a job as a teacher. Do you know her?"

I said "Yep, she's my son's 3rd grade teacher."

She got this look on her face, like the CEO of Hooters was watching her, and whispered "You're not even supposed to know that she EVER worked here."

Gotta love the small towns!