I know my task, LnF.
Thank you, though.
I do have a tendency to get caught up in the battle and forget about myself and my own relationship with God, which has to be continuously fostered. I'm never going to have "arrived". I have to keep in constant walk beside Him not running ahead. Doing that has cost me, by my best calculations, a year and possibly even the entire last year and a half if you count the part where he told me he wanted the SA. That's where I lost it. No need in rehashing, but I made this a longer walk than it needed to be for myself. I can't even pray effectively for Jeff until I myself am back in total right standing with God. That's what I'm working on now. But there is a reason for my review as well and I deem that a blessing. It gives me hope. My hope has changed, though. I just want my family saved, safe and sound. Like it or not, it's on me to keep them at the foot of the cross. I do long to see the day my husband would step up though. I'd love to be second in command so to speak, as far as the spiritual aspects of the family are concerned. It's going to be a long time til then but it doesn't hurt to imagine it. Gotta believe it before you can see it...something is different now. I don't know how to explain what I mean by that just yet. I stood up after those first two weeks out of the MLC tunnel with both guns blazin' and I maintained that stamina for many, many months. It was extremely taxing on me, I see now. Then I walked away from my only Source of peace. That really became painfully clear to me when I went back to the office the Wednesday after Christmas. My boss had received a poinsetta from a client and in the 4 days no one was there, it was virtually all dried up except for a few red leaves at the tallest point. I took that poinsetta into the kitchen and watered it. Some of the leaves were falling off from the slightest movement. Others though, stayed attached even though they appeared also completely brown and withered. Over the course of the day as I was in and out of the kitchen, I watched the process of those leaves one might have previously chalked up to being dead. At 5pm, I touched one of the shriveled up leaves and it was moist. I looked real closely at it and there was a line of red running through the center vein. I thought to myself about all the ones that fell off when I began to water it. I thought "if only they'd have clinged to the vine...". The spiritual implications of that was not lost to me and it hit me like a ton of bricks because I knew I was like those leaves, barely clinging...and one more move could have knocked me right outta the running so to speak but maybe just maybe if I was "watered"...thus pretty much began my personal 180 ;\) .