The Great Wall Part II

[Stigmata]

Hi, Karen,

Lots of computer work today; don't ask.

I didn't want to leave you hanging from your questions to myself and Corri on your locked thread. I really feel your latest pressure valve release and I think the anger is good ... on the forum that is. It's why I told LFL venting away on the BB was healthy during her episode.

I know I'm in the minority here but I still believe you're better off dealing with H more lovingly. And I don't mean by being an understanding doormat.

As a man, I have two reactions when an F is blasting me with both barrels about something with my behavior:

1. I will give it right back and possibly point a finger right back as well. This would be my natural fight reflex that is on autopilot whenever screaming or adrenaline is involved.

2. I will listen to her berate me and if I feel ashamed by my own behavior I might just retreat and emotionally shut down and go to my cave. This would be my flight reflex in the emotional sense.

I'm just concerned that when tempers flare you will be the one to back down first and I don't think that is your strong point from what I've seen in your interactions with H. Now, GEL, on the other hand, started punching walls and got her H's attention. I think that is her natural personality -- that of being the take charge person in her household.

I think your strength is your stability, your loyalty, your intelligence, both mental and emotional, and patience.

Gee, H, the way you stir those potatoes makes me hot.

Had to throw that one in there too -- and your sense of sarcastic humor. Love it.

First. This.

I suppose on the one hand I am throwing a hissy. I pulled back from H and my M since this pregnancies inception because H pulled back from me for the whole pregnancy itself...

Do you see how nothing good comes from always being in reactive modus? Tit for tat. You're punishing him and, unfortunately for him, he probably doesn't even know it. Proactive proactive proactive.

Silent but deadly is not just for stinky left cheek sneaks. Makes you like Old Faithful. Your resentment slowly builds to the point where, whoosh, you just can't hold it in any longer and it needs to vent.

Next....

I have given him so many unprompted bj's to get him started it is laughable. Guys always think this is the answer. The answer is that my H loves bjs. What follows bjs or hjs varies widely. Sometimes it is just crap/begrudging sex, sometimes good sex.

Sounds pretty darned normal to me in an LTR. Not everyone hits it out of the park every time, no? I can imagine a lot of tired crap sex if I had to immerse myself in what must be a chaotic home environment you've got there.

But this is what I want to focus upon:

Sometimes rubbing up on H, grabbing his stuff, initiating a romantic kiss or the like just leads to the heavy sigh "Oh God, are you still here? You haven't gotten over that crap yet?" is how it sounds to me.

How it "sounds" to you? So he doesn't say anything? Just sighs or huffs? "Oh, God, are you still here?" sounds kind of unfairly harsh towards him IMO. I'm sure he loves your company and might even be hurt to know you think that about him.

Finally....

Is your suggestion that I just whole hog join back in my marriage...

Are you telling me you are not whole hog into your M?

Yes, that would be the first thing I would address. That comes by losing resentment and accepting things exactly how they are with the aim of improving them. Remember, joint effort -- even if it feels like you're doing all the heavy lifting right now.

...kiss H, initiate with H and then when he gives me the "You again?" look point it out so I can really be a b*tch in his eyes? What do I say, "Gee H, seems like you aren't interested wanna tell me why?"?

So now it's a look? In addition to the sigh/huff? The last line. Short answer is, Yes.

If I did that every time H acts that way it would be shaming because even in our early R this would happen a lot and me, in my deluded lust would think, "Oh, he's just inexperienced and needs lots of positive affirmations." So, I would giggle, jokingly cuff him and say, C'mon you know you wanna. Then praise the h@ll out of him...

It is? Don't be responsible for his feelings of shame, Karen. The last part makes you sound pretty fun and teasing. Obviously you have a problem with that now.

It goes back to what I used to tell Ms about using verbals and contrivance. Fs don't like to be put in charge of orchestrating their own seduction since it makes it feel somehow phony.

All to say, I might suggest the honest loving approach with H and not the ball peen hammer to the noggin, since heavy mano e womano combat doesn't seem to be your forte.

It's why I said in my post to call him on it if he balks during your initiating. Here is an illustration of how it might go:

[H gives what Karen says is the "God, you again?" sigh, look, telepathic voodoo whatever]

K: Okay, there it is. (stops)

H: What?

K: The sigh. the look. Most men would be thrilled to have a woman interested in hot sex.

H: I am. I'm just tired, stressed blah blah blah...

K: Do you think it's normal not to have sex with your wife for nearly a year? Hm?

H: What ... I don't know. I guess not. Things are just crazy.

K: You're right, it's not normal. And I want to know why. I want to know right now what you feel about sex and how often you think we should be having sex.

H: (squirms) I don't know, Karen ... I don't like discussing it.

K: (grabbing H's hand lovingly yet firmly) I want ... to know ... what you thik about sex. Tell me so I can understand where you're coming from. Please help me understand, honey... I love you and I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy.
etc....

Anyway, just trying to show you the calm yet very direct and forceful confrontation without resorting to anger. And do not let him off the hook on the question of his most raw feelings towards sex -- even if you have to repeat yourself, "I want to know what you feel is a normal, healthy sex life...." etc

Can you be laser focused and persistent with him, Karen? Not blink? Not back down? Not let him off the hook or let him make excuses?

It just seems to me to be more productive in getting to his deepest levels of trusting you about the topic IMO than brute force.

Instead of resorting to hurling "you don't' "you aren't" you you you anger where I'm afraid in a knockdown, drag out between you two you will back down from him in media res.

-Stigmata-

PS. I still have a very strong feeling H is MBing regularly, which is sapping his natural buildup of "horniness." Might want to ask him to be very honest with you and tell you how often he MBs and that you won't think he's weird no matter how often it is.

Might even say how often you MB to show you can be vulnerable too. Then, if he is, ask if he can refrain for a month and come to you for a HJ/BJ whenever the urge pops up. You would be more than happy to be in charge of his need for release.