time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 3

[sgctxok]

Your actions are not saving your marriage. Your words are not saving your marriage. Doing more of the same is actually making it WORSE.


ANYTHING DIFFERENT will be better.

[phbear316]

Hi all

I have read all your posts. It is getting to the point that i need to grow a set of balls (LOL) and i have to do this. I get very angry and when i get angry i instantly cry, so when i go to say these things to h like boundaries, i just find my self with tears streaming down my face, and it makes me crazy, it show weakness to me and i think he sees it to. I have to work on this.

I went for my walk, came back h says hi, all chipper how was your walk, fine i said, i am walking past the laundry that he separated on the basement floor. I get up stairs he is all dressed with his new leather jacket on, (yuck i may add i hate it but I did not buy it for him is mother did) H says i'm going out, i say oh going to meet her for your birthday lunch, h says no. Sure your not. I then say well will you be coming home at all tonight he says of course i will. Ok bye and i walk away.

I want to discuss no tell h tonight, and please trust me with this you may all think its wrong, but i have to make this one step, I want to tell h, that i don't believe that we should do our laundry separate, i should not be doing your laundry at all, but i am will to do our laundry if you are willing carry it up and down, help me fold and put it away. I will give you one shot at this if you don't, you will be doing your own laundry or bring it to her to do. I know you are all screaming at your computer right now, but for me its a first step boundry for me to set up with him.

You all may thing i am wrong, but i also know i will stick to my word that if he does not help me, you are on your own with doing your own laundry.

I will continue to go to the gym after work, my work outs have just extended by my choice so i will not be getting home at my usual time i have been. He can start dinner if he chooses, and i will eat when i get home, which right now he will, for this is what he has been doing, and he said last night he would be around for dinner. So he can continue to make dinner three times a week, I will take control over the other nights, for example i will always say, i don't want to cook this night, or i will cook a few big meal once and have a few meals to eat all week. We will see how this works, if it does not work out, he will be hungry i will not be, for i will eat when i get home.

With the money i am taking out of the checking account i will use when i go away for a facial, and something else. For me.

I find for me i cannot jump right into the deep end of the pool, but i can slowly start in the shallow end and swim towards the other side.

I will do little things every day. I will try to detach a little every day.

Oh h did unpack his suitcase, i did go up and look thru it, it has his back with toothbrush and razor and other things in it. I found in the outside pocket a really mushy christmas card to my wife in the front pocket. I wonder why he did not feel he could give it to me. He i guess was waiting to get me a gift to give me the card with it. But that is just bull&^it. Give me the card if you want to don't make me second fiddle. I regretted for about two seconds that i threw his card away, but like i said i felt bad for about two seconds. What holds him back, he went to the store and spent money, he bought the card in florida, it was in the suitcase he took to florida. What stopped him from leaving me the card. For this no one including myself will ever know.

Sometimes i find my h responds better to words written that words spoken,

No Jeanette i do not mind going out to dinner with him, because we can have a nice time, we have some good conversation about nothing but conversation at least so no it does not bother me YET, and i mean YET, maybe it will soon.

I just want to let you all know that i am so grateful to have you all sending you love, hitting me with 2x4's, and you hugs. You are all very special people. and i thank you and love you all

with love and hugs
bear

[LL44]

I'll give it one more try, phbear. First of all, I was so angry with H for betraying me, it took me months to eat at the same table with him. I applaud you for being able to see past your H's affair and share a meal with him.

H says i'm going out, i say oh going to meet her for your birthday lunch, h says no. Sure your not. I then say well will you be coming home at all tonight he says of course i will. Ok bye and i walk away.

1) Should have just let him go wherever for lunch, not said a word.

2) And...you shouldn't be around for dinner tonight. But, I know you will, and you will eat dinner with him after he possibly eat a meal with OW just hours earlier.

The laundry thing?

There should be no discussion, it should just happen. Point blank. If he asks, then you say "You are living your life, I am living mine".

This whole meal preparing thing during the week. You are WAY overthinking it!! This is about PHBEAR living every day for herself, just like her husband is selfishly doing. This is phbear going to the gym, then eating somewhere by herself. Or coming home and preparing a meal for herself. If you come home and he has cooked, thank him, eat a bit quickly and go do what you want!!

This isn't a planned out show for your husband, this is your life, changing. Your mind, shifting. Taking care of you.

With the money i am taking out of the checking account i will use when i go away for a facial, and something else. For me.

This I agree with. LOL

Wow to the card. He gave you some thought in Florida, that is good. But I have to think (the hurt me, the non trusting me), did he give a Christmas card to OW? Then the card H would buy me means NOTHING. This isn't high school, we aren't playing the field, we are married.

[ediemarie]

Bear - just another thought I had that helped me.

Your H is doing something incredibly wrong on so many levels. He needs to have consequences for his actions - and unfortunately you HAVE to be the one to deliver them. Sleeping with this other woman is wrong because he is married to YOU - therefore you have to deliver the consequences. In every conversation you have with him, every interaction, be sure that you are delivering consequences and NOT rewards. Think consequences. A birthday present = reward. Dinner together = reward. Laundry = reward. Deliver consequences. It is your job, right now, to make his life difficult - not easy. He should not enjoy his home life right now.

Thoughts and prayers coming your way! Hugs too!

Em

[JennyF]

Bear...I'll just say agree with lwb.

You've gotta break this cycle and if you keep justifying what you're doing...you're going to keep making it worse. YOU will be making it worse. Not him.

Sorry...I really just want you to stop going in circles. For yourself.

I feel for you, I know how hard it is. I really do.
(((hugs)))
J~

[sgctxok]

I want to discuss no tell h tonight, and please trust me with this you may all think its wrong, but i have to make this one step, I want to tell h, that i don't believe that we should do our laundry separate, i should not be doing your laundry at all, but i am will to do our laundry if you are willing carry it up and down, help me fold and put it away. I will give you one shot at this if you don't, you will be doing your own laundry or bring it to her to do. I know you are all screaming at your computer right now, but for me its a first step boundry for me to set up with him.

You all may thing i am wrong, but i also know i will stick to my word that if he does not help me, you are on your own with doing your own laundry.

I will continue to go to the gym after work, my work outs have just extended by my choice so i will not be getting home at my usual time i have been. He can start dinner if he chooses, and i will eat when i get home, which right now he will, for this is what he has been doing, and he said last night he would be around for dinner. So he can continue to make dinner three times a week, I will take control over the other nights, for example i will always say, i don't want to cook this night, or i will cook a few big meal once and have a few meals to eat all week. We will see how this works, if it does not work out, he will be hungry i will not be, for i will eat when i get home.



He never gets a chance to miss you. Stop making excuses. Let him miss you.

[phbear316]

I did speak with h on the laundry thing. H agreed, i said one slip and its done. so fare he has done two loads, because i have been doing something else. H agreed to do the laundry period, I said no that is not going to work for me.

I do not think he met her for lunch, h was at work, i saw on the caller id that he called me. I could be wrong, but h was also very hungry when he came home and wanted to eat. I took my time getting ready, made him wait like 40 minutes.

We did have a nice dinner, on the way back h was driving and looked at the local hotel, i thought for a moment i am not going to say this but i said oh what the heck, I turned to h and said, is that were you two go for your dates? cause every time you pass this hotel you look at it and smile a big smile. H said i do not, stop it. Oh ok no i said, you do next time i will take your picture with my phone. He says i have never been to that hotel, i always look at it when i drive by it. Right i said but the big smile on your face, means a whole lot more than just looking at a building. I see things i am not blind.

I really don't think he will miss me, I am not making excuses, he will not miss me, he wants me to disappear, so he won't feel guilty. out of sight means out of mind to h.

I have not told him I am going away, I may not tell him till the day before. He will not miss me while i am away.

I had a gift card for him, i will not give it to him, i will spend it on me.

If i make life for him so miserable for him at home, he will leave, and go to be with her anyway so am i not in a lose, lose situation. That is the way i see it, he is going to go be with her one way or the other. I know i am wrong about this.

I don't know if he gave a card to ow, there was no receipt in the bag. so i don't know how many he bought. H did thank me for dinner, although he does not realize he paid for it i used the joint card. I think he thought i was going to pay cash. NO, sorry you can pay for your own dinner. I'm kinda disappointed he did not want to go to our favorite restaurant that we go to for special occasions but i glad in the end he did not pick that place.

I am trying to absorb all that everyone is saying to me, i am thick like a rock and it takes me time. I am trying my best to be a bitch to him, but this is not my personality and its hard for me. But i am working on it. I know you are all trying to get me to do all these things to him, its just hard for me i am a slow learned, i don't want to see the bad side in anyone, this has been me my whole life, it takes me along time to get mad at people or voice my opinion when some one is doing me wrong. this i am working on with my IC. and with me.

Hugs
bear

[ediemarie]

Bear I don't think you necessarily have to be a b!tch to him, I just think that he needs to be fair to you. He's not being fair and you need to ensure that he is fair to you. He doesn't get it. It's not OK to sleep with another woman and come home to you and have everything A.O.K. at home. It's not ok. What he is doing is not ok. Think roommate. Think stranger. Be cordial, but not accomodating. Perhaps you should examine why you are OK with your relationship being like this. I mean, you say you're not Ok with it, yet your actions communicate something else entirely. Why would you let him believe that you are ok with handing you the leftovers (as in, his first attention goes to OW, you second)? Or ARE you ok with how things are right now because you fear what may be if you don't accept your R like this?

[phbear316]

EM

Hi, I am trying to think that way and treat him like a roommate. I have had a problem my whole life and it stems from childhood. I have always had to please other in my family. I had a difficult childhood, which has effected me to this day. I am working on it with my therapist. I always feel that i have to fix everything, i have to fix it so the other person is happy, i will and still do sacarfice myself to make others happy. I am an only child, of an only child who was an only child. With a very strict german grandmother who had a hard life growing up, very strict with me. (too many detail to go into now)

Wow you hit the nail on the head, with the statement of are you ok with things this way, Yes i can say that is true. I am in total fear, total fear of i will take what i can get because my only other option will be nothing.

As i sit here and type to you i feel maybe i really need to go away, to clear my head to put this plan of action together, maybe i need to be away from him, to put my plan into action. I am so afraid to go for he will be with her all week, but you know what he leaves me anyway to be with her so, maybe a trip to lay in the sun is what i really need now. I need to make airline reservations, i need to go, alone if it so shall be. Even if i never get out of the room, i need to go, for my mental health, but you know what scares me, i will be coming back to the same situation. Its like every day i wake up saying what a terrible dream and then a second later i realize no dream it is your reality, your hell.

just a side note h was laying on the couch saying he is so tired, yea, yea, the dryer goes off, i go down and bring the laundry up stairs. I sit down on the couch and start putting his socks on the floor, he says i guess i have to help, i said if you don't want to the socks will sit there, and you will be doing the next load of them on your own. H also left a dish in the sink, its still there i will not put it in the washer. Oh h turns off the light in living room, i say i was going to read the paper he says just go behind the couch, i said never mind, i will go in the kitchen, in two seconds the light is on, he says you can come back here and read, i said no i did not ask you to turn the light on again, i did not go back into the living room and the light is still on. Oh well,

Well i am tired so i am going off to bed. thank you EM

Hugs
bear

[sgctxok]

I am trying my best to be a bitch to him, but this is not my personality and its hard for me. But i am working on it.


Being a bitch will not likely help.

And you shouldn't kick him out.

Just stop being his mom. Stop being 'nurturing'. Changing your image will help. Be a lover. Shock him. Shock yourself.



As i sit here and type to you i feel maybe i really need to go away, to clear my head to put this plan of action together, maybe i need to be away from him, to put my plan into action. I am so afraid to go for he will be with her all week, but you know what he leaves me anyway to be with her so, maybe a trip to lay in the sun is what i really need now. I need to make airline reservations, i need to go, alone if it so shall be. Even if i never get out of the room, i need to go, for my mental health, but you know what scares me, i will be coming back to the same situation. Its like every day i wake up saying what a terrible dream and then a second later i realize no dream it is your reality, your hell.


This is a great idea. The worst thing you can do is leave things as they are....because they WILL get worse. This will be a GREAT chance to make things better.