Yes, WII, I was trying to be a bit funny. Shame your wife is being such a.....ummm....well, I can't think of anything polite to say so my Momma said to say "Nothin'".
She must have a shell a mile thick. Her little "we're still a family" fantasy needs to go, though. You and your daughter's are one family. She and her daughters are another. You should probably cut back on the "together time" until she is either contrite and polite or just cordial.
Now, I've never really understood chiropractors. I've been to one one time and he didn't do much more than my mother taught me at home so I don't see the big thing...other than I don't live at home anymore.
Well, W is just being W! she's just continuing to do exactly what she has done for the past few years, nothing has really changed. It just makes me laugh when she says she wants us to still be family but barely communicates with me and when she does it's all business. But, that's what she needs to do to keep me at a distance. Hey, if she starts allowing some kind of personal interest the flood gates might open and she might actually FEEL something for me! Whew, and we can't have that now can we!!! It might result in us actually being a REAL family again. So, as far as distancing from the family stuff, I have done a little over the holidays. I chose not to go to our friends place on New Year's Day, she went by herself with the kids. On New Year's Eve I went to a woman friends place and declined dinner with my family. I did drop by W's at about 10:00 pm to bring in the New Year with them. I don't let her know what I am doing or who I am doing it with, let her wonder a bit. I imagine she still believes Coffee Buddy and I are still some kind of item, I've never corrected her as it is none of her business! When I go out with my other woman friend I never state who it is I'm going with, on New Year's Eve I just told her "Sorry, I've made other plans but I could drop by later in the evening, if that is OK". Tonight, I am picking up the girls at W's and my friend and I are taking our four girls to an evening church service. I arranged to take the girls tonight even though it's not my night. W can have an extra whoopee night with OW, W can sit around and cry about how hard life is and OW can wipe the tears from her eyes like they've been doing for years! Wow, what a barnburner of an evening, glad I'm not part of it! Later, NH !
Like my W., your W has layers of dysfunction. You're spot on in what you're doing. DB or not, it's the best course of action you can take. what's the sorty with the "woman friend"? By the way, good for you. when I was back in the US, I just lived for my kids alone. We can't do that. They will grow up, and if (when) our W's are gone, where will that leave us. Good job on the GAL/PMA!
I think it's Dr. Phil who said that R's are negotiated. If one partner is doing all the running around, then it will be dysfunctional, and one teaches the other partner how to treat you. If something isn't working, then in a normal M, one should be able to negotiate what you want, and be pleased when you get that thing, whatever it may be, and so should the other person. I know with my H, if I ask for something or express a need, then I count on not getting it met because then he says he'll just be faking it to please me. WTF!!!!???? But, he then expects me to fulfill his needs whether he tells me or not. Oh, but he can't read my mind either, so in the end, none of my needs are ever met ... well, not never, but rarely, and then by pure chance.
I think some men and women tend to expect more than they are willing to give. They are inherently selfish, and it's very difficult for them to change, unless they look inward and truly try for their own sakes first. Then, there are those of us who tend to enable these selfish people, making excuses for them, or just trying to keep the peace. So many reasons!
Ugh! It's all so frustrating. I am glad you are enjoying your own place, somewhat, Wii! At least, you're away from the madness.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
thanks for dropping by FLTC and Being Me! Your thoughts are always welcome, food for my own thought. Now FLTC, the "woman friend" is someone I've known for probably 15 years, we worked together for 10 years at least and have kept in touch since. She has been separated for 5 years and has two young girls to care for. I watched her go through the Hell and she didn't fare so well but she kept on going and could be termed a pretty heroic person when you look at what she's done with her life. She is unattached right now and both of us have been exploring our spiritual sides. It's a nice friendship and I value it greatly, we see each other for coffee, sometimes dinner and do the church thing every second Saturday night with our girls. Being Me, your H is a pro at doing nothing for you and trying to legitimize it as "I would only be doing it to please you" well, so what if you are, isn't that also part of what a R entails, doing things to please the other sometimes just because they would like it? Certainly, you can go way overboard and lose yourself but he sure isn't in danger of doing that, is he! you're right though, selfish people will find any excuse to be that way, it's just like my W saying that any of her shortcomings in re to meeting my needs are just proof we shouldn't be together. It's called "I don't want to do sweet f-all to meet your needs" pure and simple. Anyway, enough of that for now! Last night I picked up the girls at W's place and she was upstairs helping D10 clean her room, I went upstairs and greeted her as she was leaving the room. Her response was one of her "poor me, the world is so hard on me" sighs, no greeting in return. My first instinct was to say "to return my greeting would be polite" but I caught myself, what would be the point? I've been there before and it gets me nowhere except into a verbal brawl with her, so I let it go. It just reminded me of how much of this kind of treatment I used to put up with day in and day out, instead of feeling angry though I actually felt sorry for her. She's the one whose unhappy, not me. She's so strange though, I went downstairs to pick up my mail which she leaves in my old place at the kitchen table and there was a small box of chocolates sitting on my mail, a nice gesture on her part. She's a strange lady! Well, let's make today a great day everybody. Later!
Just to clarify re my woman friend, this has no romantic overtones, but of course, you never can tell what the future brings. I don't forsee anything happening but I never thought my M would end either! I am very aware of my emotional neediness right now and certainly keep our friendship as is. It's nice to have someone to do things with, even if it is just a coffee on a Friday night. So, don't go thinking things folks Oh, and my W does know about her just as she knew about Coffee Buddy.
Over the past couple of years I have made a habit of writing down quotes and passages from readings that I found inspiring, when I felt I needed a lift I would take out all the little scraps of paper and read them over, it always seemed to help. Today I was going over them, not because I was down but because I hadnt' done so for awhile. I'll share a couple that seemed significant tonight.
"In jealousy there is more of self-love than of love to another" Francois De La Rochefoudauld
"Bitterness is the greatest barrier to friendship with God" Rick Warren
"Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less" Rick Warren
"Do not give up hope or yield to despair because of that which is past, for to bewail the irretrievable is the worst of human frailties" Kahlil Gibran
"When you tell your trouble to your neighbour you present him with a part of your heart. If he possesses a great soul, he thanks you; if he possesses a small one, he belittles you" Kahlil Gibran
"We don't need to learn how to let things go, we just need to learn to recognize when they've already gone" Suzuki Roshi
"Being by oneself is not the same as being abandoned. The world is still there" Barbara Feldon
"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage" Rainer Maria Rilke
"Our purpose in life is not to remain upright at all times but to collapse with grace when that is what has to happen" David Richo
"The fact that "love is blind" gives us all a chance to be loved by somebody" David Richo
"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us but the certain knowledge that they will help us" Epicurus
"To accept the things we cannot change does not mean we roll over but we roll on" David Richo
OK, that's more than a couple but it's my thread and I'll post what I wanna! Goodnight DBers.
It helps tremendously to be with people, no matter who they are, so good for you. Before I left for Iraq, either I was alone or with my kids. I drank too much, slept too little, and worried too much. My social circle was friend we built over 20 years. It's awkward to go back to those friendships alone or worse still with your WAS. I've got some great friends here. The difference in my state of mind is night and day, even though I'm in IRAQ! I'm really concerned about that when I go home. I need to stay away from the beer, and get out more often, yes, even if it means striking up new friendships with males or females. I can't be alone and live just for my kids, who I feel terrible for. They'll grow up, and what are you left with?
You're absolutely right, FLTC. When you return you need to GAL your butt off! When W dropped the first bomb on me I knew that the only way I was gonna get through this was to build a life for myself outside of her and the family. I've done a ton of things to make my life pretty darn full without her. This is the time for you to start making plans for when you return. Be adventurous and do things you never thought you would do...hey, Latin Dance! I too always thought there was no way you could get me to hit the dance floor but I pushed myself. I was the one who suggested to W that we try Ballroom Dance lessons at the community centre, I thought it might give us something to work on together that wasn't related to our M issues. I thought it might help our M. Well, it didn't help but I found out that I actually can dance and not look like a complete idiot when doing so. Now I've signed up for Latin Dance to continue developing the skills I picked up on the dance floor before. It's now something I'm looking forward to! How things do change. So, don't be afraid to try something new but also stick to some familiar things you enjoy as well. I'm thinking of joining a gym too as you can do group activities and/or just go for your own workouts. Have a great day, FLTC.
What a wonderful night! I took the family to the Dancing With the Stars tour, it was an Xmas gift from me to my family, the whole family W included. Just before intermission my D10 turns to me and says "Daddy, when is this over?" and I asked why, she replied "because I never want it to end!" At intermission D13 turned to me and said "I am so excited" and I foolishly asked her why and she said "because of this, the whole thing, it's just so exciting to be here!" Well, after intermission I just sat there wiping tears from my cheeks, thank goodness it was dark! To give my kids such a joyful experience touched me so much. W was personable and had a great time too. Btw, she looked incredible and was wearing the necklace I gave her for Xmas. We'd all gone out for dinner before hand as well. It was a wonderful night, I'll tuck it away as a beautiful family memory! It was well worth the bucks I forked out, and the dancing was pretty good too!
