Ok, I have a new issue that has arrived. I am looking for advice on whether or not to go to another mans black tie affair-work party that he(a long time friend of both me & my H)asked me to go to with him because he has no other date. I told him I would go as a friend and that I need to get out & do things like that more often. He agrees that we will have a blast. After I committed, he has been hitting on me big time. It is rather nice to have someone so interested in me (since H is not). This friend now thinks that we are going to get physically involved with each other that night(he is even telling me he thinks that this is destiny). He said it to our friends. Then when he said it to me, I told him that "until my ring is off my finger-I will not get physically involved with any one". He started to then change his tone and say that was fine. But last night a large group of us were hanging out, and he said it again to me how he was going to take such good care of me that night and flirted with me. He also invited me to go to a college b-ball game with him in 2 wks,(my H and I used to go with him before)& i said sure for the love of the game. I am afraid that he is not getting the point. I know I am going to have to lay down some boundaries before the work party happens. I am just feeling guilty about going with him because my mind and heart are definitely still in my M. Does anyone think that this would be a terrible decision (even if I know he will not have a chance with me that night) or not? I guess I am also afraid of what my H will think if he finds out. The friend that is taking me is very good-looking(kind of a player) , strong (also financially), independent, and Outgoing. My H would most likely feel threatened/jealous that I am going. But my H also has no idea what I am doing with my life since he has no care and never visits and has even distanced himself from most of the people in our past life together. I have read once that it is good to make the H think a little like i am moving on (maybe even date-but no sex). And I have read that H will most likely be watching me even though I don't think he is. Most my friends all feel like H won't even know and that I should go to the work party and have a good time for me. Everyone keeps saying I deserve to go out with someone like my friend who can show a woman a good time and be a gentelman to me. I personally feel like I need to make decisions now for me only and not to worry about what H would think about it. I am just starting to feel a little guilty about it. What should I do??? TIPPER
This friend now thinks that we are going to get physically involved with each other that night(he is even telling me he thinks that this is destiny).
Cancel. Do not go. Your "friend" is taking advantage of you right now. You're in no position to be getting involved with anyone. Do not put yourself into a situation where this may become more than you can handle.
Everyone keeps saying I deserve to go out with someone like my friend who can show a woman a good time and be a gentelman to me. This is not how a gentleman behaves. You yourself called him a player. He's playing with fire and you could be, too. Don't do this if you have any intention of saving your marriage. Further, don't give your husband any ammunition to use against you if this gets to a divorce situation; he could claim adultery on you.
Last edited by hopefloats7; 01/06/0807:39 PM.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I would be careful. I have gone out to dinners and lunches with single men. They did not flirt or in any way think I was interested in them physically. They were kind and sympathetic to me. Basically listened and encouraged me. These are men I already knew in my marriage and could continue to know if my H returns.
You are very vulnerable right now. It is easy to get caught up in wanting company. This is how the OW became involved with my H, BTW. Do you really want to do this to yourself? Be careful with your heart. (and the rest of you )
Hopefloats and short1, thanks for the reply and that was kind of what I was expecting to hear. I am strongly thinking about changing my mind, I just feel very foolish doing so. As I have said it is a black tie affair and he has had to allready send in the response ticket to tell what kind of meals we wanted. He said that he already did that. How do I cancel now? or should I just really lay down the law. This is someone both my H and I are were friends with & would expect to still be in the future. I know him well enough that If I really had to say stop or no, I know he would listen and respect me. I just think that he is getting excited thinking that he might have a chance with me, but he does know and see my pain and what I am going through right now. He truely can just be a nice guy and a friend to me. I am scared of how I am going to handel this sitch. My H and I are legally seperated now, and I wouldnt think he should be able to hold this against me (if anything I'm the one that could say he abandoned me for a bisexual stripper). Most people see it as a way for me to go out and have fun and thats all. I just dont know what to do now? TIPPER
Tipper, I would find it very offensive what he is suggesting is going to happen between the 2 of you after this black tie affair (indeed). I hate to be crude but it comes off sounding like he's bragging about a possible "score". That to me would be a major red flag and turn off. I didn't realize you were already legally separated. I am sorry for missing this detail. If you are interested in this man and you are ready to move onto something else, then it really is your decision to make. But just be sure you are ready for what might happen.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hopefloats, I have thought a lot about this upcoming event today. I have decided that I will most likely still go, but I am going to lay down the law and let him know that i am not interested in him that way. He is a good friend of 13 yrs, and I know he will understand, (as he has in the past when he used to make advances at me before I was married-i had turned him down then too). He is a really nice person and another one of our Married friends even went with him last year because he wasn't seeing/dating anyone at the time. I am also going to let him know that my parents are going to be picking me up that evening at 12:00ish so I don't have to feel any pressure to do anything afterwards with him that i know I don't want to do. I am true to my vows, and I am also trying to GAL, and possibly wake H up a little bit that I am out experiencing Life. I am hoping that it will simply be an evening of fun, and drinks, and a nice meal, and getting dressed up, and meeting new people, and dancing (as I love to do so much). It would be me - making a decision for myself to have fun as much as possible - with out worrying about what my H would think. Besides my H has been out doing only God knows what with probably the lowest life forms around (the first time he left me he was in EA with a Stripper). My parents were even saying to me that they feel it would be a really good idea to go with him (they also have know this friend forever) and just try to get out and have a good time. I do hope that I am making a good decision for me. I know my friend will understand and still treat me respectfully when I remind him of my seriousness in my commitment to my marriage. I am most likely going to also inform my H's parents ahead of time so they understand it is just a night to get out and have some fun, and not some kind of affair. The inlaws also know the friend who is taking me and most likely will be happy to see me do some thing that might help me take my mind off of the drama. Thanks for listening, TIPPER.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing Tipper. I think you should go and have fun as long as he is aware that is all there is to it. Make him aware that you are not interested in him. I think that would be the right thing to do. You dont want to led him on.
Take care.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Be honest with your friend before the event. Tell him that you thought about cancelling but since the RSVP had been made, you didn't want to back out but you need him to understand that there will be no hanky-panky of any kind. Tell him you will treat him like you have always treated him, like a brother.
I didn't mean to make you cry the other day. I ask about the alcoholism because my H has been sober now for almost 3 years, not a drop! We both see the same therapist who is a PhD in neuropsychology and specializes in addictions and PTSD. He has taught me that with repeated alcohol exposure, the frontal lobes of the brain shut down. They still get blood flow, they just don't work. The frontal lobes are where empathy, sympathetic thought and emotions are processed. Your H, just like mine, started drinking at 15...partied throughout teens and early 20's then life began to happen and weekend binges turned into drinking every day after work.
It take 3 years after the last drink for the frontal lobes to heal. My H just now expresses empathy, can articulate his feelings and shows sympathy like I haven't seen since we were kids. He still has the maturity level of a 15 year-old but he is maturing much faster now that his brain is almost healed.
Your H is a pissed off 15-16 year-old boy and will behave as such according to the text books.
You have a son with a developmental challenge just like I do. My son has PDD or pervasive developmental disorder and now that he is 17, he shows very little effects. This is a mild form of autism.
My 15 year-old brained H let me go about the business of dealing with life while he let life push him around then blamed me for it. Just like a teen!
Best of luck, let us hear the update on gutter-boy in a black tie!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
After I committed, he has been hitting on me big time.
red flag
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This friend now thinks that we are going to get physically involved with each other that night(he is even telling me he thinks that this is destiny).
Gigantic red flag!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am just feeling guilty about going with him because my mind and heart are definitely still in my M.
red flag
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I have read once that it is good to make the H think a little like i am moving on (maybe even date-but no sex).
this is game playing
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I personally feel like I need to make decisions now for me only and not to worry about what H would think about it. I am just starting to feel a little guilty about it. What should I do???
Get out now. This guy is not a friend. This guy is a major a-hole. He is telling people he is going to &^%$ you. What else do you need to know!!!
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