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There were two components to my changed attitude toward our SL: my true understanding that PT is cac's LL, and my realization that *I* wanted and deserved to have a good sex life too, because it's OK to be sexual.

Wow. I think my H would write those exact same words.
Maybe that is the holy grail of figuring this mess out.
Of course getting there is the hard part.
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It took reading SSM, lurking then posting on another board where cac posted, making cyber/BB female HD friends on same board and reading about their escapades, reading SSM again, reading 5LL, both of us attempting (but failing) to read Passionate Marriage, discovering this BB and lurking here for about 6 months, registering here in Feb., reading 5LL again, spending the last year in IC and repeatedly stepping out of my comfort zone to try to set some boundaries and ask for what I need.... to get to where I am today.

So...you didn't try very hard. ;\) j/k, obviously.
You have really made an effort, much more than most spouses.
It seems to be paying off.
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Probably the biggest change in me is doing better at not taking things personally and not letting this stuff get in the way of having sex. For me to forge ahead with sex even though I've been annoyed with cac that day is truly radical. It's a bit of what Mojo said about not punishing her p---- because her H was being a jerk. But mostly it's because when cac does something that bugs me I try to speak right up and get it off my chest. It's amazing what that will do for your sex drive!

Yes! Something else that works with H and I (which I notice we've been doing all week) is when we annoy each other we make a sexual joke right afterwards..like...today we were taking down the Christmas tree and I was being annoying and telling him how to put it away (we broke down and got an artificial tree this year, but anyways) and I said "just ram it in the box". Before, that sexual innuendo would have gone unanswered. But he came right back with "oh, I'll ram something in a box in a second" and went about putting away the decorations quite satisfied with himself.

LFL