That's when I signed the separation agreement and began planning to move out of the house with S. H was to move back in the house with D, who chose to live with him.
In the days that followed the signing of that agreement, I went to see my Pastor and his wife on a couple different occasions. I even got the keys to the church that Friday night and laid myself and that stupid agreement on the altar for quite some time.
Although I have planned to go a few times, I have never gone back to church since then. The Pastor's wife called me and emailed me, other members contacted me. I had however, planted both feet firmly in the world because I was angry with God and couldn't imagine things could get any worse simply because I wasn't warming a pew every Sunday. Besides, I prayed still, right? Still knew the scriptures? Yeah. They faded though as did my faith. I have still learned new lessons, sure. But that's just evidence God never took His hand off of me even when I turned my back on Him. That's what it was. You can talk the talk and not walk the walk and you can do it for a very long time. That has been me. Increasingly, my mind has become tainted by the things of the world, the people of the world. It wasn't like I didn't think about Jesus. I thought of Him every single day. But over time, He became kind of like a friend that had moved away. We became more and more distant. I knew in my soul He wasn't the one that moved. I just wasn't ready to address the reasons that I did.
Thankfully, even when walking outside of His will it is still possible to receive revelation knowledge. There have been many moments in which I have. Nothing than turned me back, though. One time back in the fall, my husband even begged me to go back to church. All that did was make the anger surface, though. I knew I wasn't going back yet. But perhaps the anger bubbling up was a foreshadowing...I don't know.
What I do know is I have been broken in an even deeper manner than when I came out of MLC and realized all the damage I had done. Yes, I had previously been in church and I did possess all the spiritual tools that were required to face my husband as well as other members of my family and say that I had been wrong (that's the "short version" if I ever heard one!). I had a scriptural basis from I drew hard and deep and it enabled me to stand. Ya'll have seen the rest of that process. Certainly not a cakewalk. I have felt much of my husband's own pain which was caused by me and that's a hard pill to swallow. The guilt and remorse alone have the power to devastate the newly awake and aware post-MLCer. It's not the biggest one though. The biggest is the one I'm facing now. Isolation and the absolute inability to reach my husband and the fact that I am able to do so little regarding my daughter (I'm not talking about D&D right now). I can not enter the house at all. His reaction to me the other night told me that when I asked if I could take down the tree. Understood. I will not go in and I have been over there 4 or 5 times this weekend and I just wait for D12 in my car. I know when I see a battle that isn't mine and this one, except where it has a direct impact on D12, is not my battle.
Today I had the rare pleasure of being able to shock both of my children. First was this morning when I opened my son's bedroom door fully dressed and announced I was going to church. I think I saw relief in eyes along with the surprise. I don't intend to make any fuss right now about him going with me. This is me that's being called back. The second was after I left church and called my daughter. We had spent yesterday looking for a pair of gym shorts for her but couldn't find anything appropriate. I called to tell her if she wanted I would pick her up in an hour and we'd try somewhere else. She asked me where I was. I said "I just left church". She was quiet for a minute and then she said "Really? You went back to church, Mom?" I said "Yes." Her silence told me she was shocked and I dare say maybe it made her feel good. Both the kids remember going. We went for a long time. We loved the people there. My son looked up to our Pastor and we knew him and his family well.
I took my son to the library for homework purposes and then we picked up D12, bought her shorts, went to the laundromat, then went back to her house where she picked up the ferret and we brought him back to the apartment. He had a ball running up and down the steps here! I took her back home at 5:30. I've pretty much had her with me all weekend. That's the only time I sense real peace...but still, something is missing. SomeONE. My husband.
