I hear ya. Can't force a change. They either engage or not. Sucks though.
LFL
I think we would make quicker progress if she was here. Things don't suck completely though. I have been working on myself and she is coming along. Not as fast as I'd like, but I'll take progress.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
That's too bad. It has definitely helped me to read the various posts by the HD women here (and the men too). I don't know many women IRL who love sex or who feel loved through sex. Back in my dark LD days it simply didn't occur to me that I was really missing the boat.
I don't know many women IRL who love sex or who feel loved through sex. Back in my dark LD days it simply didn't occur to me that I was really missing the boat.
I think you are pretty normal mrs.cac. Lots of women Don't feel love through sex. Actually lots of guys too I bet. My H was one of them. But like you said, I think he finally realizes he was missing the boat. And now he is like a kid in a candy store. Lucky me. And also, he felt I must be like most women too and not need sex to feel love. But I do! That was a shocker to him. I think he just thought I was horny. When he finally made the connection between the sex and me feeling in love with him, it really worked. In a way, it gave him permission to be as sexual with me as he wanted because he wanted us to love each other. His worst fear was always that I would fall in love with someone else. Even after I dated the soldier guy and H and I reconciled, I remember my H not being concerned with the sex as much as asking me "do you love him?" I said no and he was perfectly fine with not knowing anything else. He didn't think the hot sex had anything to do with me being in love with someone, whether soldier boy, him, or anyone else. Seems weird but that's what he thought. We've been talking about this all week and he still shakes his head at how stupid he was being. As do I. At least we're on the right path now.
I agree. I wouldn't say we are a bonafide "success" at this point, but we are working on it and making progress I think. It takes time to change 20+ years of entrenchment.
There were two components to my changed attitude toward our SL: my true understanding that PT is cac's LL, and my realization that *I* wanted and deserved to have a good sex life too, because it's OK to be sexual. I had really struggled at times with seeing myself as a sexual being, even though I enjoyed sex when we actually had it, usually had an O, etc., etc. But that still didn't make me desire it regularly. I guess I didn't see it as particularly important in my life, partly because of societal brainwashing, meds, illness, and infertility -- take your pick. I could basically take it or leave it most of the time. I don't think we'd have a chance at success if my attitudes about sex hadn't changed. I'm not doing this just for him; I'm doing it for myself too.
It took reading SSM, lurking then posting on another board where cac posted, making cyber/BB female HD friends on same board and reading about their escapades, reading SSM again, reading 5LL, both of us attempting (but failing) to read Passionate Marriage, discovering this BB and lurking here for about 6 months, registering here in Feb., reading 5LL again, spending the last year in IC and repeatedly stepping out of my comfort zone to try to set some boundaries and ask for what I need.... to get to where I am today.
What's unusual about us, compared to others here, is that even though cac started the ball rolling, I'm the one who has taken it and run with it. I have made changes within myself, and those changes have brought about changes in him.
Probably the biggest change in me is doing better at not taking things personally and not letting this stuff get in the way of having sex. For me to forge ahead with sex even though I've been annoyed with cac that day is truly radical. It's a bit of what Mojo said about not punishing her p---- because her H was being a jerk. But mostly it's because when cac does something that bugs me I try to speak right up and get it off my chest. It's amazing what that will do for your sex drive!
There were two components to my changed attitude toward our SL: my true understanding that PT is cac's LL, and my realization that *I* wanted and deserved to have a good sex life too, because it's OK to be sexual.
Wow. I think my H would write those exact same words. Maybe that is the holy grail of figuring this mess out. Of course getting there is the hard part.
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It took reading SSM, lurking then posting on another board where cac posted, making cyber/BB female HD friends on same board and reading about their escapades, reading SSM again, reading 5LL, both of us attempting (but failing) to read Passionate Marriage, discovering this BB and lurking here for about 6 months, registering here in Feb., reading 5LL again, spending the last year in IC and repeatedly stepping out of my comfort zone to try to set some boundaries and ask for what I need.... to get to where I am today.
So...you didn't try very hard. j/k, obviously. You have really made an effort, much more than most spouses. It seems to be paying off.
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Probably the biggest change in me is doing better at not taking things personally and not letting this stuff get in the way of having sex. For me to forge ahead with sex even though I've been annoyed with cac that day is truly radical. It's a bit of what Mojo said about not punishing her p---- because her H was being a jerk. But mostly it's because when cac does something that bugs me I try to speak right up and get it off my chest. It's amazing what that will do for your sex drive!
Yes! Something else that works with H and I (which I notice we've been doing all week) is when we annoy each other we make a sexual joke right afterwards..like...today we were taking down the Christmas tree and I was being annoying and telling him how to put it away (we broke down and got an artificial tree this year, but anyways) and I said "just ram it in the box". Before, that sexual innuendo would have gone unanswered. But he came right back with "oh, I'll ram something in a box in a second" and went about putting away the decorations quite satisfied with himself.
That was exactly what I thought about cac. He was horny. So what? You can't always get what you want. I sure as heck wasn't getting what I wanted. At all. Life sucks. I didn't see his need for sex as any more important than my need for help with the cooking or cleaning (when we were DINKs).
Years ago I stumbled on the fact that if we had sex right before attending an event like a wedding or some other occasion, he'd be more likely to pay attention to me. I realized that if it had been awhile since we had sex, I could expect to be mostly ignored. So what did I do? In the future I tried to make sure we had sex before such events. And that was it. Did it occur to me that he was ignoring me because he felt that I didn't love him? No way! In my eyes I showed my love in lots of ways. Except in the bedroom of course.
I'm so glad that your H has seen the light, LFL! I do believe that once you get to that point there's no going back. I could never go back to the way I was. It's almost like I don't know who I was back then. But, like Corri says, you can't see what you can't see until you do. As long as your H not only wants to love you in your language but also wants the great sex life for himself as well, you've won the biggest battle. You're prepared to deal with any bumps along the way (and there will be some) so that's great!
Did it occur to me that he was ignoring me because he felt that I didn't love him? No way! In my eyes I showed my love in lots of ways. Except in the bedroom of course.
I hear ya. And the weird part is I tried to convince myself that the SL wasn't important either for a while. Telling myself he was so great in other ways and I was such a match for him, blah blah. We were best friends and that would be enough. It was all BS. Because the ship was slowly sinking. And the love was fading away. I knew we couldn't regain the love without the sex. And by some miracle, he figured that out too.
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I do believe that once you get to that point there's no going back. I could never go back to the way I was. It's almost like I don't know who I was back then. But, like Corri says, you can't see what you can't see until you do.
When he finally made the connection between the sex and me feeling in love with him, it really worked. In a way, it gave him permission to be as sexual with me as he wanted because he wanted us to love each other.
j/k, obviously.
