Well, W is in the mode of 'sometimes two people grow separately' and is a little ambivalent. I know the love is there, the problem is that the attraction has faded again because I have faded again.
I don't want to Db to save this marriage. I just want to 'be happy' and if by doing that the marriage works then great. I guess I don't want to fear the possible outcome of us no longer being together. I guess if there's one thing I have learned is that feelings change, and what is true today is not true tomorrow.
We did some things together today, went to a 'spiritual' church she likes (and I kind of like also) and had a nice lunch. It's obvious she is unsure of what to trust, because she references how I need to let her 'do things for me' to love me. She tells me things she needs me to do to make her feel cared for and safe.
Then she also references the 'spiritual growth' that she really needs in her life, and how it may just be that we're not going to be doing that together. I can see how she feels that. It's ambivalence again but leaning towards loving me.
Last night she told me about a fellow she had met at the 4 day massage seminar she went to in early December, and that he had been really complimentary to her every day and was she 'a bad person' for feeling attracted to him. She didn't call him, but sent him a gift for xmas (an inexepensive hat) because she felt he had been so good for her emotionally, and they had made a connection of some type. He sent her a nice thank you card and that's it. She showed it to me, it was polite and didn't ask to hear back from her at all. So he seems like a decent guy who's not looking for anything from her.
There are no phone calls, no e-mails. That's it.
She seemed to REALLY want me to know that 'nothing happened' and I know that's true. She's just confused because she's not getting the things she needs from me right now and when someone else fills that need for complements and validation she almost mistakes it for 'love'.
She got it on her own though, which I guess is good. But it's confusing her and she's really questioning our relationship again.
After this conversation (at 1 am) we ML and it was really a good emotional connection.
I do not want to focus on her, or 'saving anything'. I want to not feel that I 'need' her I just want to feel better again.
I will do what I should be doing to give her the things she needs to feel good in our relationship - I know I've let that go too long. I hope it helps because I still think we're pretty good together if we can only both be at the same emotional and spiritual place, at the same time.
I still get this anxiety. The change in diet seems to have some effect as well as the B vitamins, magnesium, chromium and making sure I eat smaller meals more often.
Like I said, DB'ing in the past for HER was bad for ME. I'm focused on fixing me because in the end, that's all I have.
