Well, I finally got up at 11:00 am. The sheets were heavenly, but sleeping back on the right side of the bed was strange. The last time I slept there was when my late H was beside me. (After he died, I remade the bed-- a waterbed at the time that I could not move-- with the head at the foot. I could not bear to sleep there with him not beside me. I don't know if it was related to that, but at 4:00 am I woke up with a panic attack such as I have not had since I started taking Lexapro last March. I used to have them all the time. The panic attack starts as a physiological reaction, an adrenaline rush. The body interprets this as danger, and the mind goes to work trying to figure out what is wrong, and it just escalates from there. I took a xanax around 5 am and that's why I slept til 11.
Did I do too much yesterday? Make too many changes? Was I missing having the dogs sleeping with me? Is it because I've been writing poetry and digging up old stuff? I really don't know. When you're having a panic attack you feel cut off from everyone and from every comfort. You feel scared and helplesss. Even if someone is with me, it really doesn't help. They're yukky. I haven't missed them.
On a lighter note, the sheets are soft and smooth and felt wonderful. I called bf this morning about the cinnamon rolls and it turns out he made them last night after dinner and ate them all!
No problem. I don't need them anyway. I'll have a piece of cinnamon toast instead.
Still warm and breezy here... high should be around 80-- bright blue sky. Today I'm going to be less introspective and watch movies.
I think I'll try sleeping in the MIDDLE of the bed! LOL!
Lil, I can get overwhelmingly anxious at times, but I never had a panic attack. What a scary thing to go through. This dropping the rope stuff is a lot harder than it seems; your brain is comfortable with the old " fixing" defense mechanisms. Keep in mind that the old ways were getting you increasingly cornered and stuck, and be kind to yourself as you adjust to unchartered territory. And try not to pick up the map...for people like us, that's what we try to do, control, direct and steer things, when we should take some time to survey the land, so to speak, and keep things in balance.
Last year while my father was going in and out of the hospital for those rounds of pneumonia, I was suffering terribly from anxiety. I guess I couldn't accept that I really had no control, and it was driving me crazy. I got to a better place, but it was not without a lot of back and forths. At that time, my insight proved far less an ally than the effexor!
These things take time, that is why we are all here for so long. Fear truly is the enemy.
Lil, I can get overwhelmingly anxious at times, but I never had a panic attack. What a scary thing to go through. This dropping the rope stuff is a lot harder than it seems; your brain is comfortable with the old " fixing" defense mechanisms. Keep in mind that the old ways were getting you increasingly cornered and stuck, and be kind to yourself as you adjust to unchartered territory. And try not to pick up the map...for people like us, that's what we try to do, control, direct and steer things, when we should take some time to survey the land, so to speak, and keep things in balance.
Last year while my father was going in and out of the hospital for those rounds of pneumonia, I was suffering terribly from anxiety. I guess I couldn't accept that I really had no control, and it was driving me crazy. I got to a better place, but it was not without a lot of back and forths. At that time, my insight proved far less an ally than the effexor!
These things take time, that is why we are all here for so long. Fear truly is the enemy.
Thanks for the kind words, IHJ. I have moved through this pretty fast, and I guess I'm just getting caught up with myself. You are so sweet to keep bolstering me (and you, my other cyberfriends, too).
Truly my last five years have been so TOTALLY focused on my bf that it feels weird to have all this space in my life and in my brain. If I start to feel a little sad about dropping the rope, it doesn't take much to remember some of the tacky and mean things he's said to me. We've had some great moments (like the time he sang with the choir only a week after open heart surgery), but we've had very few warm, cozy, intimate moments for me to look back on.
Being very anxiety-prone, I'm susceptible to having anxiety creep in. But at 4 am, knowing that intellectually doesn't help too much. At that point, the only thing that helps is xanax. I guess deep down I am afraid of waking up dead (as it were) all alone out here. I wonder how long it would be before anyone noticed my absence from the world? Okay... pretty morbid thinking, I know.
To the ankle doc tomorrow and then to lunch with a guy friend (former client) at the Olive Garden. He's married, and a very good friend, level-headed, very supportive of me. A really normal, kind, interesting guy.
I'll have a piece of cinnamon toast instead.