Separated, but maybe not for long

[Dom R]

To him, meeting him for sex is important. Getting a job and working is not important. If I don't go to his parents house to have sex, I'm not making an effort. If I refuse to leave my dog alone over night I am not making an effort. If I refuse to leave my daughter home alone over night, I am not making an effort. We talked on the phone every night and there was no hint of a change of heart on his part, nothing until the note.

WW,

Lets say that you have told him flat out, "I want you to get a job and quit smoking pot".

SO, over the next few weeks...
- he spends hours reading relationship books
- he redecorates the house
- he cooks you breakfast, lunch and dinner, from scratch

In other words, he spends hours a day fussing over you.
He's spending a whole lot of time, and "effort".

But would he be putting any effort into the things that matter to you? getting off drugs, and getting a job?

On the things that matter to you, what is the total amount of effort he has spent in that hypothetical situation?
Zero.


How much effort have you put in, on the things that matter to him? From what you wrote, it sounds like very little. To the point that he counts it as "not making an effort".

and, from his perspective.... he's right.

your post about what you have been doing, is a compilation of ways in which you have not been doing the things he's been asking of you.
You've been leaving out the specifics of what he's asking you, and only dwelling on "I cant do these impossible things!"

I've colorized some theoretical "missing" parts of your post, to maybe highlight what I mean.

he asks you to have sex with him
you dont do it, because you wont go to his parents house.
he asks you to (?)
you dont do it, because you dont want to leave your dog overnight
he asks you to (?)
you wont do it, because you dont want to leave your daughter alone.
etc, etc.

There are ways in which you can do what he's asking you, and yet not leave your dog/daughter/... in negative circumstances.
However, you dont seem to be looking at them. You seem to be standing firm on excuses not to do what he asks of you, rather than putting in more effort to find solutions.


You came here, to work on your marriage, right?

Trying to blame everything on him, isnt helpful to your marriage. The only thing that approach does, is attempt to trick people here into saying, "oh, my, you've been trying so hard, WW, he's so terrible".

Well, he certainly has faults, that is clear.
Sounds like there are a few things you could work on for yourself, too, though?